separated on a walk II

[labug]

Paul, now that you have confirmation that it was always this way to people outside your relationship, let it go. You had a R with your W, it worked for a while, you both have faults, the R suffered. It's painful.

"I loved my wife and wanted the marriage to work both for me and the family. I feel good about the work I've put into the marriage. I will focus on the positives of moving on because I know that's what's best."

Do you have a plan for how you're going to deal with the destructive tattling from both your D and you W? A great project for you and your T.

[paul19510]

Hi bug! You are the master! You always help guide me where I seem to be wwlking next. I don't have a plan yet. My D16 is extremely stressed thst she'll be forced to overnight. I have contacted my L to make sure thst kids do have a right to say that no if they wish.

I know that j fought for my M. I feel good thst I did. You are right. Holding onto the rest is not good and I suspect it would make me bitter. I don't want that.

I am gojng to think on your words and come up with actions to work on a happy path forward for me and my kids.

I did tell my s12 today that I was hapy he'd be getting time wjth mom overnights. I also told him that he should never tolerate trash talk from either of us for any reason and to speak up that he wants it to stop or he will call and ask to go home. He felt good about that ground rule.

[paul19510]

thanks Will for checking in on my thread. I will read up on yours as well. good luck.

[paul19510]

journal; I had drinks with another hockey parent last night. that was nice. It was nice to practice being social as a single person again. We just enjoyed a pleasant conversation.

today is going well. interesting note W texted me to get capacity and type of oil and filter size to change the oil in her truck. Strange question to ask me (I think). I answered her question but found that my mind made several assumptions (all of them unneeded) as to why I got the question in the first place. After I got home from the grocery and was vacuuming the house, I just had to laugh at myself about it all.

Assumption 1: She's asking because she's going to do I herself, why didn't she get help from SS26 who lives with her and knows exactly what's needed...
Assumption 2: She's got a BF (laughing hard at how far my mind went over a simple question) who really doesn't know what he's doing, but she wants him to do the oil change for her...
Assumption 3: She's going to show up here and ask me to change it.

My mind is tired after all of those circus flips lol. (being silly to say so). its good to 'see' these things in the moment. I can't stop who I am, but in order to really change and grow, I think this type of activity is needed.

Also another step forward today on my personal journey. I was feeling irritated at some of the other people in the store while shopping. the would cut others off and stop in the middle of the isle and block it while they looked at the labels on the soup can or something....I just realized I was feeling this and took a breath and released it. I can remember feeling stressed when W ad I lived together. I know it wasn't healthy and I need to relax more.

[paul19510]

journal updates: last night was a great night was D13 at her game. She played well. S12 is resting up for his championship game tonight. D16 continues to improve on her condition.

On the way home last night I got the following text from W:

W: Do you know D16 is at a bar?
M: I was enroute home with D16 so I picked up the phone and called W.

M: Hi, you're on the speaker in the car and I'm with D13, please don't say anything. I'll be home in 2 mins. I will call you back, I need to understand your msg.
M: 2nd call to D16, Hi, where are you? Please come home, I need you home, there's a problem. Come straight home now.
D: Ok Dad. We'll be right there. Are you ok.
M: yes, but there's a problem I need help with. Please come home now. See you in a few mintues....

M: After Arriving home, D13 exits car and goes in House. I call W back.
M: hi, she was "at a bar".....???
W: yes. she posted it to her FB. She's at a sports bar. I thought her head was hurting too bad to go out anywhere due to injury??
M: Oh whew...you mean she's at some local bar and grill in the restaurant??
W: yeah , I guess so.
M: I've called her home. She was at Arby's when we spoke. she'll be home shortly. I did not tell her why I needed her, but she knows its important. we'll call you back as soon as she's home
M: D16 arrives and I ask where she was.
D: BF's house resting (she had a headache again) after I tried some time out at the store like you asked to see how I tolerated the stimulation. then Arby's for a snack. then you called and we raced home. What's wrong Dad?
M: I got the following text a few minutes ago. Is this true? I showed her the text.
D: NO. I was were I just said. I stop by that restaurant in Saturdays with friends for a snack. its a bar and grill. there's a restaurant section. It's up near Mom's she even knows I DO go there to get a snack with friends on Saturday evenings sometimes. the food's good....I haven't gotten to go since I got hurt. its too noisy.
M: We're calling mom and I'm putting it on speaker. <call placed>
M: We're all here on speaker and D16 is safe. let's talk this through together. W details out the FB post she says she saw. D16 gives me her phone and shows me all in coming and outgoing calls and texts. She opens FB and shows me that there were NO ENTRIES or tags on her page since 10 PM the previous night....I tell W this. I send W a screen print of the page and a screen print of the page of the person who W says tagged D16 in the post. Nothing on either girls page within the past 12 to 18 hours....Certainly nothing at the time last evening W said.

I conclude my call with W who says she is currently driving and can't really talk...(there's no vehicle noise in the background...its a diesel truck...they're loud). W says she'll call me when home to show what's going on.
W: texts when home to say she "knows what she saw and now all entries on both girls pages relating to the incident have been removed...
M: but there's nothing on either page for 12-18 hours. nothing at all...and D16 didn't know why I called her home. and there's no sigh of the girls talking or texting about this AFTER I called D16 home....I've got nothing to work with. And, where you are talking about is a restaurant and bar (like Chili's) Not a bar where she was trying to get drinks or something... Your msg said "she's at a bar." Can you see why that'd be scary?
W: yes.
M: I've asked her to friend me on FB to avoid this kind of thing in future.
W: well I guess since you can see everything now, that should make it better..."

Ok. I am stumped. Also, I'm feeling down about the death of my M and the fact that just as we see from DR and other writings, Divorce doesn't make these problems go away. I can see that we do the same things now that we always did.

I am reacting a little different now. but we still have the same drama when W is involved its not healthy. I am going to get healthy and move forward.

I reiterated to D16 how important it is to be honest and upfront with me. I believe that W is possibly saying these things to poke at my parenting...I can't allow that.

[paul19510]

after looking at this, W said she specifically texted me because I complained to her that I didn't see D16's FB posts when W objected. I believe W was trying to get a "response" I obliged. Next time, I will keep my answer short and simple.

[paul19510]

Will start a new thread shortly. Need to refocus. I am too focused on how W acts or what she does with stuff IMO.

[paul19510]

Journal: pulling back more. Noticed W reaches out more. Interesting dynamic. Just watching. Also W reaches out when jts something relsted to her or something thst benefits her. Just watching. I feel better being quiet.

[bluesgal]

It's interesting to take yourself out of your sitch and watch sometimes. Hope you're doing ok

[paul19510]

Thanks for checking in on me bkues.