I think I belong here....

[praying_in_GA]

I think we were replying at the same time.

I greatly appreciate the help!! He is still living with us so I am a little confused as to how I can go dim, mysterious, and have short / concise conversations. He acts like things are normal. This morning I came home from work and had to get the kids ready for gym. He was getting ready for school. I told the kids to hurry and we would get breakfast but I needed gas as well. He took my van to get gas for me. I thanked him and then he went to shower. I collected the kids and we left without telling him we left.

[praying_in_GA]

It would be equally harder and easier if he weren't living with us. Lol. After reading my old threads it all came back to me.

[TL72*]

I'm sorry you're here - but this is the best place for guidance that I've found. Have you read the Sandi's rules that are posted on the newbie page?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

I found them to be very valuable!

[praying_in_GA]

I did!! I saved them to my phone so I can scan the frequently.

And thank you.

[TL72*]

When my H was still living with me I went dim by not initiating the conversation. I waited for him to start it. I did not ask him any questions (we don't have kids though). I have no idea where he moved to because I didn't ask. I was pleasant and smiled, stayed with a positive attitude when we did talk. I no longer texted him and only emailed him with info on bills, kept it very business like. I did not pursue. Before that I had tried with the small touches which he allowed but did not reciprocate so that didn't work and I stopped doing that. I believe it would push him away further. Leave the pursuing to him. No it's not easy. Focus on you and the kids and act as if life goes on without him - which it does!

[praying_in_GA]

When I got home from work yesterday, we had nice light conversation. I spent the day happy and positive with every interaction. By the end of the day he was worried I had some sort of plan to ruin him because I was being sweet and happy. This morning I tried to cut it shorter while still being upbeat and nice.

I hate to say this but the reason things seem the same around here is because this is what has happened to our marriage. We live together and we raise our kids and occasionally we act like we are married. The only difference between then and now is we don't hug, kiss, or exchange "I love you"s Earlier this week I asked him how we were supposed to interact with each other during this "live in separation(?)" and he said it wouldn't be any different than our everyday life already. It shouldn't shock me, but he is right.

So, I'm thinking I continue the light/happy/positive persona (who doesn't want to be a happy and positive person). I will not initiate the conversation and will respond in a nice but concise way when he interacts with me. I will immerse myself into my world and my kids. I will make plans to stay busy without including him in the details. When he asks what we are doing (we being the kids and me) today I will again respond happy with short responses. No long, drawn out conversations. No inviting him along. No asking what he has planned.

What about when we are home at night. Typically we will watch tv together, play with the kids randomly, and/or I will surf the internet while he watches the latest sports games. Usually he will study off and on. Well, this afternoon starts spring break so he will be home quite a bit more. Should I try to do things away from him? Instead of our usual perches on the couch with tv remote or computer in hand....what do you suggest?

[praying_in_GA]

Ohh, like tonight we would usually sit together and watch a few shows from this week that I have on DVR. Well dang it, I still want to watch them!

[TL72*]

I did watch tv each night and he always came in and sat in his regular spot. We even slept in the same bed still, I figured his 5LL was physical so we kept that very much alive and well, I don't know that is recommended for everyone. I think you said you had separate rooms right? I went to bed without saying or expecting him to follow, yet he always did. Some people go play games with their kids in another room and shut the door. Let him hear you laughing and playing. I would also read on the couch to unwind - it's your house too so yeah just do your normal thing for you. Hopefully one of the vets will come along and chime in because I'm still new at this myself.

[Mic]

I'm new at this but if he already thinks your living separate lives shouldn't you be doing 180s to involve him in your life now. Have you talked to a DB coach tet. They are a great help as are so many members of the boards and the vets.

[praying_in_GA]

Mic, that was my thought as well but I didn't want to implement something without the opinions and input of this community.