Stuck On You

[Raine]

Thinking about this for a few days, I think what it comes down to is the ring isn't me. I've changed. It's from before. And I did make changes in other parts of me, inside and out. I made changes to the house, the MBR especially after he moved out. The ring is loose and I should get it resized. But, it's just not me. It's something I have to remind myself to put on. It doesn't come naturally.


Some other things that have come out from him that I haven't posted on...

It meant a lot to him that I asked him to be there when the baby was born. He didn't think I wanted him there. He was worried that he wouldn't feel the same way towards the baby as he did the other boys, but he did. He fell in love with him the moment he saw him. He is so in love with all the boys and such an amazing father. He is super involved with all of them. I told him I felt like the baby saved my life. I had to take care of me, because I was carrying him. He said that it just makes the baby even more special to him.

I worry/think about that I am done having kids because that's he always said four? Because the first time he messed up and had a minor physical hookup was when I was in the final months of a very difficult pregnancy (son #3) and my pregnancy seems to be a catalyst for this? Because it may affect my work? I want to feel done because I'm done. And I am having a very hard time feeling "done," because I want that decision to be from me. I don't like that there is a negative feeling there with me being pregnant. I don't like that he abandoned me during that time. And maybe it's a litmus test too. What would he be like now?

He felt that he was a stronger person. That he could be placed in certain situations, like alone with another woman, and be in control and be strong. The first time something happened he felt so much guilt and intense shame. She kept contacting him and wanting things to be more and he would ignore her. That's not what it was or what he wanted. Things started there and spiraled out of control. That was Jan. 2011.

It meant a lot to him how much I involved him and invited him to things when we were separated and when he first moved back in. He had a hard time with it, because they were special moments, moments he knew would be special, but it was hard to share them with me, because he knew he had ruined any possibility of us. It was always me, but I was no longer an option. That's what he keeps saying. He didn't think about things with me, because there was no possibility of me. It wasn't him deciding between the OW and me, it was deciding between the OW and no one. So things like that really meant a lot to him that he could be so close to me, but also caused him a lot of pain and regrets.

He thought it was good that he moved out so me and the boys didn't have to see him coping and dealing with the depression. He worried about lashing out in anger at me or the boys. And he said he was useless. He just slept all the time. He said when he moved back in, he was still in the thick of the depression. There were times I would go to his room at night and listen to podcasts, rub his back, just be next to him, and usually end up falling asleep. He saw those times as me being a poultice for the depression. He said there were times that I would ask him if he wanted to listen to a podcast, and he would ignore it, cause he just felt so bad. Then he would message me later on, and a few times I had fallen asleep. He had a hard time with that. He never once said no. Just sometimes it was delayed. Sometimes when I was next to him, he felt me there, drawing his depression out, making it worse, to feel better. He always had a hard time with me leaving. I would either go because the baby woke up, or because I had woken up and knew I'd need to go up soon for the baby anyway.

He feels that now he knows what he wants. He will never risk losing me again. He knows the other side, and he will never go back to it. He opens up to me, completely, in ways he was never able to open up to anyone before.

The main OW complained a lot to him. He never spent special holidays with her, never this, never that. Wanting him to move faster on his timeline. She is so clueless. As if at the end of all this he was going to want to be with her. She didn't want him around me, moving close to me. He really didn't see at the time how much she was trying to manipulate him. Always a "I think you should do this," followed by "but do what you want." She was very upset with him moving back in, and he would just twist it back on her, that if she hadn't gotten so up in his head, telling him he needed to move forward, and not a place too close to me, and not with roommates, and this and that, she wouldn't have pushed him to the edge where he just shut down and had no options. Now he can see that it was him. His decision. He hoped that when he talked to me that day about not having any options, that I would offer to let him stay here, but he knew he couldn't ask. He also knew that if he did get his own place, I was moving on, and he wasn't ready for that either.