H: I would rather she not miss a piece of the curriculum. My inclination would be to send her. Is your concern for the long drive?[/i
M: [i]The car sickness, the eight hours in the car (seems excessive to me), the 6:30 a.m. drop off. If she doesn't go, XX (her teacher) will give her homework to do that day so she will learn about it.
H: [i]She's generally OK with sickness in the car as long as she doesn't read. Maybe we can get her an audiobook to listen to. The 6:30 drop off doesn't seem like a big deal. Sometimes we all need to get up early. Not the end of the world. And I think you get a much different impact from actually seeing it than you do from reading about it.
That's fine, he has his opinion. He is factually wrong about D9's car sickness. She does get sick reading on short rides, but on long rides she gets sick regardless. (My H blows off things like this all the time - he doesn't believe the kid's complaints about anything physical unless there is blood or a bone sticking out.)
I agree with him that seeing things is generally better than reading about them, but in this case that doesn't overcome my concerns about how far away it is.
The bottom line is, I really just don't feel comfortable with her going on this trip. He can give me all the logic in the world, and I can give myself all the logic in the world, but that won't overcome my gut instinct that I just don't like it.
There are a lot of things I don't like that my H does with the kids, but I have kept my mouth shut about them. This one, I won't.
To answer someone's question from yesterday, generally most parents (Moms) complain to each other about these kinds of field trips. A few don't care. Some will not like it but will send their kid anyway. Some will send their kid but only if they can drive. (I can't drive because I have a vestibular disorder and four hours would definitely get me dizzy.) And a few will keep their kids home.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
The problem is, H and I just see the world in different ways. He sees no reason for her not to go. I do. He doesn't agree with my reasons. That's all fine and good. But a decision has to be made.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I thought his responses were open and thoughtful, and he didn't flat out say she has to go. There's room for discussion.
This is about what's best for your D and it reaches beyond this single field trip, this is about Mom and Dad learning to negotiate and sometimes, compromise.
Because he's factually wrong about one piece of this doesn't negate everything he said.
Has she tried the different remedies mentioned here? She might like to go if she could get beyond the car sickness (I had it as a kid too, yuck! but I hated missing fun). Would her preference be to go?
Maybe you could let H know you're going to try some remedies, do some test runs and you'll keep him informed on the progress.
I see real opportunity here for all 3 of you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The bottom line is, I really just don't feel comfortable with her going on this trip. He can give me all the logic in the world, and I can give myself all the logic in the world, but that won't overcome my gut instinct that I just don't like it.
I agree with Bug that H's responses were not too bad and something that one would say in a convo. M, can you make an executive decision that you can take full ownership?
Why not tell H, "H, after much thought and hearing your input, I think it's best to keep D at home. This year, she's been over scheduled with way too many trips and skipping one is something that we all can live with. Cool with this?"
Or the second option, "H, after much thought and hearing your input, I think we'll go ahead and let D go on this trip. Cool with this?"
Then H will feel silly for his paranoid text about talking "to your lawyer" behind his back.
I don't think that my H's responses were rude or anything, it's just that (as I knew before we ever spoke) we don't agree on this decision. So I can respond to him point by point like he did, and then he can do the same and we can go back and forth, but the end result is that we just don't agree, and someone has to decide - which is why I wanted to know if it is my place to decide. I think it is, since I have my D9 that day.
However, I will try to get his agreement rather than phrasing it as me being in charge. Perhaps with something like your response #1. I am hopeful that he won't decide to pick this battle . . . I don't think he will, but then again I didn't ever expect a lot of the crap he has done lately, so I guess we'll find out!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
If you were in your H's position, what would you want? Because at some point you are going to disagree with something he does while the kids are with him.
That isn't meant to sound like a threat but rather, really think about what that would feel like. We can't expect to get any better than we give.
I don't want to go against your motherly instinct, I strongly believe in the power of that. I think your D has had a tough 6 months and may need a day off as I said earlier, but sometimes we have to do things in the context of the bigger picture.
Good luck, tough decision.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
