I just meant that it might not be best to ask if your W would likely run screaming from the room and feel too much pressure at the suggestion. . The Retrovaille program does have a Catholic component but it is not overly religious, IMO. It's actually sweet and you wouldn't believe the things that the marriages of the program leaders have survived -- physical abuse, affairs etc. You come away with a great skill at staying connected and also with the understanding that if these couples could forgive each other and stay married, literally anybody can.
Thanks UB. I thought I would let her parents do the asking since they are offering to take the kids too for the weekend we would attend ..but I'm going to wait a few weeks and continue working on my GAL and 180 in hopes that W will warm a little to me before her folks ask her about attending with me.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I would like to suggest something for you to try. You may have to use your imagination or even pretend playing a part. If this woman who shares your house was not your wife, how would you act in these situations you've mentioned? How would you treat her? What would your attitude be? For an example, when she starts off to bed, you would not kiss her forehead, right? Not if she was just some person who was there for room & board.
Just for the sake of using your brain for something other than fretting, try this exercise. Of course, you don't say anything about this to anyone, it's just to see if it helps you deal with the current situation. Think of her as someone who is there for room & board, but you have totally no person interest in her. Her personal business is not your business, and vice versa. You don't ask her questions about her activities, when she plans to be home, etc. You don't "try to get her" to do anything.
When the two of you happen to be home at the same time, you are polite, kind, and mannerly. But you do not try to get closer to her. It is strictly a business arrangement. Get the picture?
Try it out and see how differently you feel and act dealing with her. Even if only one evening, just in your own mind....pretend. (Of course, she is not to know what you're doing.) Then tell me about the day or evening.
I hope this exercise will show you something better than perhaps I can explain in words.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I will do that and then tell you about it. My W and I showed up at the same time picking kids up from school. This morning I said I would pick our daughter because she had to study and my W needed to take our son to get a couple new school uniforms. The kids wanted to meet up later for dinner and my W says well i'll drop off our son and they can eat with you. I said you can't join us and she said i thought you were giving me space ...your suggestion is good and seems to be what W is looking for right now.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Okay, great. Tonight you may think how you would have handled this if you were acting as if she was a renter instead of a wife. Kind of get mentally prepped.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
By the time I got home last night it was 1030 and the 1st thing W says is i got your response to my divorce filing today from my L and he said how unreasonable your response was and how it demonstrates the lack of experience of my L ...so needless to say it did not really provide an opportunity to treat W as a renter/roomate. I basically just asked if she would sit down with me after she received her L draft response back to me so we could just hammer out the details and agree now on terms instead of going back and forth with the Lawyers. She said ok so we will see what happens. I then just said goodnight and went to bed. Tonight I have a homebrew club meeting until 8 and W said if I'm home that early she's then going to go out ... so I don't know if I should come home at 8 or just go to the local coffee shop and read a novel till late. Needless to say it will likely be tomorrow/Saturday before having significant time with W to treat her like a renter where she may take notice.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Come to think of it I did lay in bed with W and kids this morning ...shouldn't have as I wouldnt do that with a renter. Also W asked me about my therapist appt next week and she said she's done with marriage counseling because I'll never change ...i just said at this point I'm changing for me and you can do what you want. Discussions I would not have with a renter. I have to focus on treating her like a renter when I can. She is very "cold" at this point ...if I'm home she wants to go out ...where she goes on a moments notice who nows but I may just start doing the same even if just out for a coffee ...it's only been a month or so but I don't know how much more I can take ...i need to not let her get to me!
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
W said if I'm home that early she's then going to go out ... so I don't know if I should come home at 8 or just go to the local coffee shop and read a novel till late. Needless to say it will likely be tomorrow/Saturday before having significant time with W to treat her like a renter where she may take notice.
Let me comment on the first part of this quote. If she was just some person renting a room, would you have to ponder over making a decision whether to go home or to a coffee shop? What is your true motivation in staying late, reading a novel? I have to wonder if it your way of keeping her home as long as possible, since she said she'd leave after you got in. You know this is control, right? Would you try to control a renter's personal time? ( As long as your children are not left unattended, of course.)
That brings me to the second part. The experiment is not for her to notice. It is strictly for you to see how differently you would treat her if she wasn't your W. You should not wait until you have significant time. (however, let me point out to not choose the sit down discussion as your time to suddenly decide to try this experiment. Understand what I mean?)
Quote:
Come to think of it I did lay in bed with W and kids this morning ...shouldn't have as I wouldnt do that with a renter
Now you are getting the picture. And, I will throw this in also. When I was the WAW, I would have resented very much my H doing something like laying in the bed with me and the kids. I would have felt he used the kids to get closer to me. At the least, I would have felt he took advantage. It is pressure to the WAW, and you need to understand that those type of moves are not good! Even if she didn't let on in front of the kids (which was the advantage for you....right?) it is still pressure on her and it sets you back.
You are correct. You would not do that with a renter. You would not enter her bedroom. You would make a point to be with the children in another area other than the intimacy of her bedroom.
I believe when you start looking at different settings through these eyes, you may be surprised what you will discover. And just as you would not gage how cold or moody a renter is from day to day......or make some remark or do some tactic trying to get her to do what you want, neither should you with a WAW.
You have to use the LRT. You have to let her go. Do you really want a woman who doesn't love you? We can't make another person love us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi ...everything you said is spot on. Yeah I was planning to just take a novel to coffee shop so she couldn't go out. Was me trying to control her/the situation.
Your right on the significant time piece too ...i dont need time to do it just should be in all my actions.
And you are right on the kids too. The W was in bed with them so I went on the other side of the kids of course very well knowing that she would not react negatively towards me in front of the kids..
And your right too ...i dont want a women who doesn't love me ...but I guess by my actions I am hoping my W will come around and love me again.
Thanks so much for your post! I'm getting it! My W texted me again today wanting to know if I'd be out late ..i guess I'll text her back and let her when I truly will be home.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
