Thanks for chiming in, folks - as always I sincerely appreciate the perspectives and insights that I get here.
Rick - your post cracked me the eff up! I don't think I was so much a narcissistic prick and I was just TOTALLY lost and incapable of helping myself or anyone else for that matter. That said, within the context of my marriage - I was totally narcissistic (though unaware) and selfish.....but that is neither here nor there.....or is it??
25 & GM.....My IC, you guys, and a host of others have basically made me aware of the fact that she (XW) has not really dug into her side of the train tracks to do her work. I think she has flirted with notion over time - but really has not committed to it. It's hard...and it required the ability to flat out say what I thought, said or felt was just....well, wrong. And that is might have hurt someone else. I don't think she is prepared to deal with the pain of that realization. Lord knows I wasn't - but a series of 2x4s here (as well as some from friends) got me to do the work and own it. So no, there is no way that we could work out in the absence of her taking those steps....none. And truthfully, if I think about it -- I wouldn't want it. There are only so many eggshells you can walk on, and only so much of your tongue you can bite in the hopes of not being misunderstood or vilified. Your assessment that she hears what she fears - not what is actually in front of her it very accurate.
So yeah, to some degree I think you guys are right I am stuck. Though I don't think it's stuck on the notion that she will simply come back. Rather, I am somewhat stuck hoping that she will, at some point, want to work on her things. Believe me, I am dating -- I am really trying to put myself out there and admittedly, I have had some fun along the way. However, I know for me to be able to TRULY immerse myself (as well as my S) in a relationship it would have to be someone exceptional - and I have not encountered that yet. My heart is slowly opening to the idea -- but it is not there just yet.
In recent events related to this whole ordeal......
Last Sunday morning I was in bed around 8:00 AM. I left my phone of vibrate and out of reach so I really hadn't looked at it since around 6:00 the previous night. So when I started to flip back and forth in bed because of the sunrise and the urge to pee, I grabbed my phone. I missed a call at around 7:30 AM from XW and there was a voicemail. She had also left a text message that read "we are at the Children's Hospital". Well, that got the adrenaline flowing for sure. I listened to the voice message and basically S had woken up complaining about a pain in his ear - and the side of his neck was very swollen. In her message she was asking me to help her find a 24 hour clinic....I never got the message, hence they ended up at the hospital.
I drove like a maniac to get there and by the time I arrived S had been seen and diagnosed (just a lymph infection, nothing too serious). He lit up when he saw me enter the ER and just lunged for me (that felt good). XW filled me in a bit and I spoke to one of the nurses.
So as XW and I were exiting the hospital for the parking lot - she through a question out to me that I was not really expecting - "So do you want to go get breakfast?". We ended up grabbing something to eat together and just enjoying the time with our S. She asked how work was going for me so I filled her in -- and she did the same. It felt good to talk to my old best friend just about life again. Then rather abruptly she asked my how my follow-up with IC after her visit went. Didn't see that coming.
Now, there is a lot I wanted to say about the two visits I've had since she saw her - but honestly, the setting was not right and I was neither mentally nor emotionally prepared to discuss it at that time....plus, S was right there with us and I try to keep him shielded from any of our "stuff" if I can. I just said "it went really well". I also told her that IC is very discreet and did not talk in great detail about what they discussed (which is true). I said that she (my IC) really seemed to like her and just had good things to say about the discussion.
XW then responded "so I wasn't the evil person that she was probably expecting to meet?". I promptly said that I have never bad-mouthed her in the least to my IC. She said "Can you imagine how intimidating that was going in there by myself?". I validated her feelings and moved on. It felt like she wanted to talk about it a little more - it looked like it in her face as well....her affect changed a tiny bit when she brought up IC. Sidenote: the "can you imagine" was said conversationally - not in a hostile fashion.
Soooo.....breakfast ended, we went our separate ways - she dropped him off with me later that day, and that was it.
