Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Barrybran]

It's nearly 3:30am here and I've just woken to find that my wife hasn't returned home. As much as I try to shut thoughts out, this one hurts because she'd rather be somewhere other than home and that's pretty hard to swallow. I know I have things to work on but it's hard to fathom that things are so bad that she feels she needs to resort to this. It's disheartening that I've gone so far backwards.

I know the listening thing is a core issue that I have to address. I didn't think it would be so bad that she'd feel the need to stay somewhere else. I know I'm indecisive and she'd like me to be more spontaneous and exciting but I've reflected a lot on those in the past three months and I've been that way my whole life including the three years I've known my wife. I could try to make more decisions but my wife is very much stuck in her own ways and frequently disregards my opinion. Our work schedules are mismatched, we have a house and kids that need looking after and both fall on my shoulders more than hers, even in good times, and we live in an unexciting place. It's great to want to live a little but when you're best option is to go to the pub sometimes have to accept responsibility for your own fun as I've learned here.

I know I'm having a bad moment and it's times like these I wish I could sit her down and have her tell me exactly what's wrong and to actually talk it out but this process has made me understand that it doesn't work like that. People are illogical. It doesn't make sense to me that you want happiness in life so running away is a more attractive option than dealing with it.

I know not to expect anything but I'd be surprised if I saw my wife at all tomorrow. I leave the house at 6:30am (yeah, in three hours) and she works until 4:30pm tomorrow and I know she has plans tomorrow night though I don't know what. I was looking forward to the alone time but it won't be as fun if it feels like it's come about by avoidance rather than her own GAL.

This is just a vent. Just a chance to let thoughts out. I really need to speed up my reading because I'm lost with how to fix this. I know I can do it because I have just a few weeks ago but it somehow feels harder because we have had some good times and now we're back in this mess.