Quote: Wow! You make it sound as if I can't get through a day without hearing my friend's voice! I talk to him once every couple of weeks! Even once he moves here, if he does, we'll probably have coffee once a week, if that. Of course I'm loyal to H and he comes first.
No, I got the connection you have with your friend from your post. This person is very important to you, and there is nothing wrong with that. It was not my intention to make you feel defensive, so I apologize.
However, it is not about quantity, or how often you speak, but the quality and make-up of that conversation. Your attitude toward your friend, your defense of him and how he must remain part of your life; even though I know you did not intend it the way he took it, you gave your children to this other man, and that hurt your husband. Those are his kids, kids he made and shares with you, and you let someone else in on that intimacy, that connection. For a man -- for a woman for that matter -- that cuts deep.
Quote: I'm not sure. I'd possibly feel that way if I was never invited to come along or H refused to share the friendship with me. Without having something to hide - there shouldn't be any hard feelings, in my opinion.
But your H isn't invited to share the friendship. Sure, you may invite him along, but he'd still feel like a third wheel. And perhaps there SHOULDN'T be any hard feelings, but there is. Will you continue to dismiss his feelings simply because you don't see them as rational? What if he refused to see your requests that he not initiate sex with you when you were sleeping as irrational? What if he adopted the attitude that you SHOULDN'T feel that way? This is about respect for how someone is feeling. If you put that first, you can then find appropriate limits to your friendship, and everyone can be happy.
Quote: Bret and I were close long before I met my H. As much as I love my H, I also love my best friend and I think it's inevitable that we may even grow closer as his "time" draws nearer.
So what you are saying here is that, yes, you love your H, but Bret came first, and therefore, regardless of marital vows, he will continue to hold a prominent place in your life, regardless of how your H feels about it, and if he doesn't like it, he's just going to have to get over it.
And you are wondering why your H is feeling threatened?
My purpose here is not to attack you, but just to play the devil's advocate, and to help you keep this in perspective, and try to help you see why this truly is a problem for your H, and if you don't handle this with the kid gloves it deserves, it could well blow up in your face.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me again Corri, I appreciate it. I need to tell you right off the bat, that I must not be coming through as intended. Some of my statements are being read as defensive when they have been written rather matter of factly and thoughtfully. I do not feel like I'm being attacked! I appreciate very much being able to read other perspectives.
Quote: But your H isn't invited to share the friendship. Sure, you may invite him along, but he'd still feel like a third wheel.
My H rejected my friend the very first time I asked if he wanted to meet him. He has never wanted to even MEET my friend! Bret has told me on numerous ocassions how he wishes my H would meet him and give him a chance. I doubt he would be allowed to feel like a third wheel, quite frankly.
Quote: What if he refused to see your requests that he not initiate sex with you when you were sleeping as irrational? What if he adopted the attitude that you SHOULDN'T feel that way? This is about respect for how someone is feeling. If you put that first, you can then find appropriate limits to your friendship, and everyone can be happy.
The problem wasn't him initiating sex while I was asleep. The problem was his doing that after I had said no. I understand what you're getting at, however there's a huge difference between nonconsensual sex and jealousy. I was able to give very valid reasons why nonsensual sex negatively affected me. His reasons for feeling jealous of my friendship are valid as well, but seem very vague and unfair to me. As I said before, I've always been open about my friendship and would have loved to introduce Bret to my H, but he was not comfortable or interested in meeting *a gay guy*.
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Quote: Bret and I were close long before I met my H. As much as I love my H, I also love my best friend and I think it's inevitable that we may even grow closer as his "time" draws nearer.
So what you are saying here is that, yes, you love your H, but Bret came first, and therefore, regardless of marital vows, he will continue to hold a prominent place in your life, regardless of how your H feels about it, and if he doesn't like it, he's just going to have to get over it.
No, not at all! What I meant was I love my H very much, but I've been close to my friend since we were in our early teens. It's difficult to just end a friendship simply because H feels jealous of the closeness. I honor and respect my marital vows! Bret holds a prominent place in my life as one of my dearest best friends - there's absolutely no comparison between a dear friend and a spouse, in my opinion! I have every intention of compromising and treading carefully. I'm concerned that if H is jealous of our closeness as it is, how will he feel when I'm emotional as Bret's health declines?
Quote: My friend is possibly moving to my area in a few months, and I'm really not sure how this will affect my H. He seems to get overwhelmed easily when I have been in contact with him or any gay person for that matter. He tells me that he accepts my friendships because he loves me, but that doesn't mean he has to accept *them* or their lifestyles. Now that he is aware of my friend's HIV *and* our pact, I'm sure any contact with him will throw H over the edge - especially if our young children are present for any visits. Don't get me wrong, he's not uneducated and ignorant, I think it's homophobia or else I'm somehow not making my faithfulness and love for him clear enough. What can or should I do? I'm not prepared to simply drop my friend(s) for my H's comfort level.
I started this thread in hopes that I might get some tips or advice on how to show my H that he DOES come first and that my friend is JUST a friend, without having to drop him. Thanks for the replies.
So far so good! I met Bret for coffee yesterday and had a great time catching up with him. H is open to meeting him, so I'll be inviting him over for dinner one of these days. It's so wonderful to have my friend back in my life!
I doubt he would be allowed to feel like a third wheel, quite frankly. 
No, not at all! What I meant was I love my H very much, but I've been close to my friend since we were in our early teens. It's difficult to just end a friendship simply because H feels jealous of the closeness. I honor and respect my marital vows! Bret holds a prominent place in my life as one of my dearest best friends - there's absolutely no comparison between a dear friend and a spouse, in my opinion! I have every intention of compromising and treading carefully. I'm concerned that if H is jealous of our closeness as it is, how will he feel when I'm emotional as Bret's health declines? 