Quote: Wow! You make it sound as if I can't get through a day without hearing my friend's voice! I talk to him once every couple of weeks! Even once he moves here, if he does, we'll probably have coffee once a week, if that. Of course I'm loyal to H and he comes first.
No, I got the connection you have with your friend from your post. This person is very important to you, and there is nothing wrong with that. It was not my intention to make you feel defensive, so I apologize.
However, it is not about quantity, or how often you speak, but the quality and make-up of that conversation. Your attitude toward your friend, your defense of him and how he must remain part of your life; even though I know you did not intend it the way he took it, you gave your children to this other man, and that hurt your husband. Those are his kids, kids he made and shares with you, and you let someone else in on that intimacy, that connection. For a man -- for a woman for that matter -- that cuts deep.
Quote: I'm not sure. I'd possibly feel that way if I was never invited to come along or H refused to share the friendship with me. Without having something to hide - there shouldn't be any hard feelings, in my opinion.
But your H isn't invited to share the friendship. Sure, you may invite him along, but he'd still feel like a third wheel. And perhaps there SHOULDN'T be any hard feelings, but there is. Will you continue to dismiss his feelings simply because you don't see them as rational? What if he refused to see your requests that he not initiate sex with you when you were sleeping as irrational? What if he adopted the attitude that you SHOULDN'T feel that way? This is about respect for how someone is feeling. If you put that first, you can then find appropriate limits to your friendship, and everyone can be happy.
Quote: Bret and I were close long before I met my H. As much as I love my H, I also love my best friend and I think it's inevitable that we may even grow closer as his "time" draws nearer.
So what you are saying here is that, yes, you love your H, but Bret came first, and therefore, regardless of marital vows, he will continue to hold a prominent place in your life, regardless of how your H feels about it, and if he doesn't like it, he's just going to have to get over it.
And you are wondering why your H is feeling threatened?
My purpose here is not to attack you, but just to play the devil's advocate, and to help you keep this in perspective, and try to help you see why this truly is a problem for your H, and if you don't handle this with the kid gloves it deserves, it could well blow up in your face.
