Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[labug]

So things are shifting for both of you.

Why do you go there in the mornings?

[labug]

Of course for him it was and is all lust.

You don't know that and lust isn't a bad thing in the right context.

This is not to create hope so much as to point out how destructive mind-reading is. Since my H and I have R, I've found out that a lot of my assumptions about what he was thinking and feeling were so very wrong.

Try to stay out of that trap because it colors they way we interact.

[Mic]

I go to nurse my son every morning. We have agreed that since I'm nursing I can come in and be with Charlie. I chose the morning since it is easier has he takes the oldest to school. I had also told him he could have his dad here so him and I don't have to communicate. Even though I pump we both felt it was beneficial that my son gets the mother/son bonding time like the others. I know I could have legally kept my son with me a lot more but I did not feel that was in the best interest of our children since that means they would always be separated.
.
As for the lust comment he has repeatedly told me it is all lust for him and during BD he told me that all the sex while amazing cemented even further he can never love me the way a man should love his wife. To be honest and this is sad but hearing him continually say I never loved you is just getting old.
He told me yesterday that he was such a pit of despair at the end our marriage he did turn to the woman I had wondered about ,for advice about what to do in his marriage and why he can't love me ? EA? He stated he now has spoken to her in months.
He also told me yesterday that he really really likes me as a person and a mom but he can't love me. He agrees that the divorce is probably not in the best interest of our children but the only way he can survive is to be free from the marriage.
He was shocked that our oldest was drawing pictures about getting us back together and talking to a few friends about what she's dealing with. I was trying to explain why the school asked for counseling for her. He stated it can't hurt.
He believes we should frame it as now she gets 2 of everything.
He said he is getting tired of living out of a suitcase and glad when this part is over and the kids will be the ones in the car because they can just hop in the car and have everything at both homes.
Also our 2 girls birthdays are coming up and the girls wanted both of us there which is great BUT he wants his whole family at both. He said we can make this divorce anything we want. I tried to explain in a divorce you are no longer a family. He has this Pollyanna view of divorce.
Suggestions about the party. I feel awkward inviting his whole family. I already suggested he just come and then his family could have their own party also.
I asked if he'd read any books on divorce and dealing with the kids through this and the effects. If he was seeing a therapist to help him transition. He knows I'm seeing an IC but not about divorce busting.
His answer. He's just to busy with work to deal with all of this right now. Really??? I just said ok but we need to do our best by our kids.
Okay that was a book;)

[MamaB]

I have a lot of respect for you, and other, nursing Mom's going through this. Also, good for you to respect his parenting time! I may have not been able stop myself from comenting on the same clothes, but I'm weird about those things lol.

[Mic]

Oh MamaB
I did comment the first few times. I'm into fashion and like my kids and myself to look like fashion plates but I was trying to take lanugo advice and let the little things go. I also am working on respecting my husband in a godly way. A 180 from the way he feels and lot of it he is right about in the marriage.
In regards to getting a life and fashion. Before we married I dressed nice etc. then marriage and pregnancy. I gained a ton of weight, no new clothes, no manis , pedis and I was at the barn a lot!. Few and far between. Now my life is falling apart. Hair is done every day and professionally styled on the weekends. Manis and pedis are required;), tanning. New clothes and I never leave without makeup.
Even when I go to the barn I'm dressed to the T. Since I'm back to doing all of this in one of the worst times of my life, I truly believe was depressed for a long time. Post Partum. I get my tubes tied in September. And voila I come back. Sadly too late to save my marriage:(

[Mic]

What I forgot to say was I was trying to take lanugo advice and agree we have different parenting styles. I have to say some progress has been made even as co parents because I have gotten more apologies and admissions of wrongdoing over things (non relationship) related than in the whole time we married. He NEVER apologized. Now he owns up and says sorry.

[Mic]

Ok regarding the birthday party. I told him I would not send invitations to his side of the family. They would feel it was odd since we are no longer a family. He is more than welcome to invite them. Him/I will pay for the girls and all adults can purchase their own food.thoughts?

[unbidden]

That sounds spiteful. Honestly. What's best for the kids?

[Mic]

I think it's best for the kids that him and I are there but with all if his family and my family friends it feels like a recipe for disaster with people talking about the divorce. Maybe I'm the only one that would be uncomfortable but I want it to be about the kids and not he said/she said. I'll talk to him again when I go to pick them up.

[Mic]

I think your right unbidden. This is a good way to practice a 180. I am going to a apologize and be respectful. No matter the outcome it is better to be friendly than bitter. Thank you for allowing to see my spite in this.