Ah, there you are, Bets! I wondered where you were since escaping from the detention room. Damn, it was BA who helped you out through the vents. Sneaky bastard!
My D9's class went on 45 field trips last school year. She is on pace to hit that same number this year. She has gone on every single field trip so far this year, and has never asked to stay home from one until this one.
My kids RARELY miss a day of school (they are hardly ever sick, knock on wood!), so I do not have a problem with taking them out once in a while for a long weekend with family, the MLB home opener, or simply a mental health day with Mom. They understand that school is important, and that these instances are exceptions.
I would *not* let my D9 out of this or any other field trip solely because she thinks it will be boring. *I* don't feel comfortable with her going on this trip. IF she really wanted to go, that would be a compelling reason for me to push through my own concerns with the trip, for her benefit. Since she doesn't want to go, there is nothing motivating me to do that.
There is nothing for me to apologize to my H for; I didn't leave him out of anything. I haven't yet told my D9 or her teacher whether she is going on the field trip.
I want to know what the "right" (or legal, whatever you want to call it) answer is re: who gets to make this decision, because I want to be prepared in case my H decides to choose this battle. I was never planning to lead with, "screw you, H, I am legally entitled to make this decision, so I don't need to consult you." (In fact, what I said to him was, "I haven't made a decision about the field trip, I wanted to discuss with you first. Let me know your thoughts.") But, I want to know whether, if he decides to start spewing or threatening or manipulating, I can ignore him and make the decision I think is best for my kid. I recognize he might NOT do that - and I am not going to base my participation in the discussion assuming that he will. But I do feel that I need to be prepared, since his behavior lately has been volatile and unpredictable. IMO, when someone threatens a battle, you look for peace first, but you're a fool if you show up without a weapon to defend yourself.
There is no middle ground if we disagree. Either she goes or she doesn't. What I was trying to figure out is, ultimately, whose call is this?
Finally, yes, if the "law" was that the person who has physical custody of the children on that day gets to make the decisions (obviously other than big ones like changing schools, or having a non-emergency surgery or something), I would respect that 100%. In fact, I have accepted that when my H has the kids, he is in charge, and I have interfered with that exactly ZERO times since BD.
Hope that clarifies a bit.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I just read back all the comments about my H and D's fish interaction. It's kind of amazing how similar our sitches all are . . . great bc we can all empathize with each other, but it just svcks, especially when kids are involved. (For those following along, apparently H bought them two new fish . . . I sure hope they don't fight to the death.)
I saw my kids at TKD tonight. They tripped over themselves to sit/stand near me all the time. Lots of hugs. D9 wanted to tell me everything about her day. When I left, they couldn't get enough hugs.
It made me sad and angry. When this whole thing first started, I felt sad for my kids and myself. I really don't even feel sad for myself anymore . . . but my heart breaks for my kids. And it makes me angry. Really, really angry with my H.
I'm really amazed at how many people get D. I mean, almost half of all marriages. Like it's nothing. When, really, it's huge. It's painful. It's horrible for kids. It's expensive as hell. It's just plain f-ing stupid.
On the plus side, I am getting more detached from my H, I think. Last night when I got scowled at for an hour during TKD, at first I got that awful feeling in my stomach that felt so familiar during our M. The "oh [censored], what did I do now? Why is he mad at me?" feeling. And then I realized that it doesn't matter anymore, because I have done nothing wrong and if he is mad at me for something, that's his problem, not mine.
Originally Posted By: Blues
My counselor told me that kids need to have that validation or they feel like they are going crazy.
Yes! I can only imagine! I know I spent years wondering if I was crazy, and I still doubt myself. I find myself asking people to check me on things often. And that's with me already having a pretty good sense of self, of right/wrong, etc. My kids are just learning. How are they supposed to figure out what's what?
I got an email from my L today to give me a heads up that he will be sending H's lawyer my experts' list of documents required to value H's partnership interest. My L said my H will probably blow a gasket when he sees it., and he is probably right. It's a pretty long list, and it requires H to get a bunch of info from his firm that he may or may not be entitled to. In any event, he will hate asking for it. Oh well, he can deal, I guess. In the meantime, I will wear a helmet around just in case.
Back to the earlier convo. I've told my C that I think I need to focus on finding that middle ground between hating my H/being an ice princess, and getting sucked in and jumping on his roller coaster.
Has anyone successfully done that? I mean, when your H/W has filed for D. And before the D is over. Is it even possible?
I've always had trouble being mad at people . . . I just find it unpleasant. It seems like a lot of work to stay mad. But in this case, I feel like I need to. My H now, for the past day or two, has been super friendly via text (not so much in person). Like, being funny and referencing inside jokes, etc. I keep ignoring them and just sticking with the facts. Because I know if I allow myself go there, I will go way too far there and take 37 steps backward in detachment.
I am wondering if I just need to do this for a while, at least until the D is over and things have had time to settle down.
Sorry for the rambling.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I hope the new fish are clown fish! Can't go wrong with them.
On the plus side, I am getting more detached from my H, I think. Last night when I got scowled at for an hour during TKD, at first I got that awful feeling in my stomach that felt so familiar during our M. The "oh [censored], what did I do now? Why is he mad at me?" feeling. And then I realized that it doesn't matter anymore, because I have done nothing wrong and if he is mad at me for something, that's his problem, not mine.
This is good to hear, M! You're working toward full detachment. Give this process some time. What a difference from a mere few months ago. My L said my H will probably blow a gasket when he sees it., and he is probably right.
Did H think divorce is all cotton candy and popsciles??
Back to the earlier convo. I've told my C that I think I need to focus on finding that middle ground between hating my H/being an ice princess, and getting sucked in and jumping on his roller coaster.
Has anyone successfully done that? I mean, when your H/W has filed for D. And before the D is over. Is it even possible?
Yep. We've all been through the anger phase and really disliking our spouses for the chit they threw at us. Sure, with time and applying DBing principles, you'll be able to detach and remove yourself from the rollercoaster. It is a process. Don't be too hard on yourself because there's no real yard stick that you have to measure yourself against. Why would you want to do that? Sometimes you'll move along quite nicely and something comes up that sets you several steps back.
The key is not to be reactive to H's spews and/or angry missiles. Easier said than done...but with practice, it CAN be done!
Outside of real health or safety issues, there's always a middle ground if we're willing to see it and compromise. It almost always involves compromise.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Did H think divorce is all cotton candy and popsciles??
Uh, yes. I'm not kidding. My H doesn't think things through in advance, he just assumes everything will be fine. I don't think he considered all of this crap when he decided to walk out . . . he just thought about all the wonderful opportunities he would have - the independence, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, dating around, etc. At some point he began to consider the details but not in reality. In his own self absorbed world, where he would offer up something crappy (re: financial) that was, in his mind, overly generous; I would take it, we would be best friends, and the kids would be perfectly fine.
That's why he loses it when I don't go along with his plan. And blames me for "not being cooperative."
Sigh. There is nothing I can do about the fact that he lives in fantasyland.
I'm just glad I am taking my kids away for the weekend - I am excited to see my brother and his family and get away from H and all this D crap. I just hope H leaves me alone while I am gone.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa, it amazes me how many people still believe that D is a good solution when there are problems in a M. All D really does is trade one set of problems for a whole new set of problems. My W seems to share a lot of the same attitudes as your H. She just wants me to go along with whatever she tells me and then everything will be just peachy for our kids and herself. It doesn't seem to matter to her that our oldest D is now in counseling every day and that our two other kids are starting to show signs of having problems as well.
Maybe your H will look in the mirror one day and realize her made a massive mistake. Even if he does, it will take a lot of courage to admit he made that mistake and then do something to correct it.
I'm glad you have your kids with you. That makes all the difference. It sounds like you have a good weekend ahead too
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Thanks, Scorp. When I read your posts, yes, I see that your W and my H have a very similar attitude - they each think that they have gotten this all figured out (the way they want it, but they see it as "the right way") and expect that we should sign off on their delusional fantasies.
I doubt that my H will ever look in the mirror. It is so much easier to blame me. He even said to me about a week ago, "OK, I'll take all the blame with the kids, but between you and me, I never wanted this."
The insinuation being that he is the poor victim who had no choice but to leave. I guess that leaves me as the perpetrator.
Was your W self absorbed before she left? My H always has been, that's why I am doubtful he will ever change.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
[quote=melissag] Uh, yes. I'm not kidding. My H doesn't think things through in advance, he just assumes everything will be fine. I don't think he considered all of this crap when he decided to walk out . . . he just thought about all the wonderful opportunities he would have - the independence, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, dating around, etc. At some point he began to consider the details but not in reality. In his own self absorbed world, where he would offer up something crappy (re: financial) that was, in his mind, overly generous; I would take it, we would be best friends, and the kids would be perfectly fine.
quote]
I seriously think that they spend so much time planning their exit and fantasizing what life may look like when they "get out" that they don't think of anything beyond that. AT ALL. I don't think that I fully understood this until I asked my H where he was thinking about moving and he said maybe he would get a place with his single guy friends. I was dumbfounded...I guess my H forgot that he is not in college and has three children. Some other plans that my H has mentioned for his future: (1) traveling the world all the time; (2) maintaining our current home and a new home for himself in the same neighborhood (we live in a crazy expensive cost of living area); (3) potential 50/50 custody (which I really think he just uses as leverage ). I am still wondering how my H believes that he can pull all of these things off at the same time because it is simply not possible. If he is going to have the funds to maintain two households and pay for travel, then he is going to need to make even more money than he is now, which would mean working more. If he is working more, than how can be travel the world and possibility have 50/50 custody.
The WAS's fantasies are simply not possible. When they are faced with reality, they get angry and spew. I guess this is why the WAS can end up unhappy forever because they are living with these crazy expectations that simply cannot come true. No wonder they may never find happiness.
Have an amazing time visiting your brother and his family. I think that the weather is supposed to be nice this weekend!! If your H starts to spew, just turn off your phone and pretend you don't have service. Enjoy your kiddos
