I have been drowning in work and have not been able to respond as quickly as normal. But I wanted to let you all know that I am reading your advice and very appreciate of the support.
I did want to clarify a few things in case my prior posts were not clear.
My H was never come to me and said that he wants 50/50 custody now or in the event of a D. If he did, I would sit down with my H and figure out a plan that would work for everyone. Would it kill me? Yes. But I would do it. Under no circumstance will I allow a judge to determine my future with my children. I appear before these judges on a regular basis and would never trust them to determine custody arrangements for my children.
I also wanted to clarify that I have been beyond flexible in terms of our custody schedule. In February, my H went out of town three weekends in a row (plus another five days during one of those weeks). Before he left for the first trip, he asked me if I would agree to five separate changes to our schedule during the month of February. I agreed to all of them immediately. I have no problem being flexible so long as there is isn't a conflict that cannot be change.
The problem arose when he came back after the first trip. He got home on Monday and we did not hear from him until late that night when two of the kids were already asleep. On Tuesday morning, he said that he would come see the kids during the day, which was fine with me. He called me while I was driving home from work and said he did not see the kids because he was working. I did not invite him over because I had already made plans with my mom for dinner.
My H was pissed that I did not invite him anyway because he had nothing to do and wanted to spend time with the kids. He said that I should be flexible moving forward because he could always ask for 50/50 custody. I asked him if that was what he wanted. He said no. I told him that I was aware that he could ask for 50/50 custody but felt that it was unnecessary to remind me of that fact because it felt like a threat and because it did not help resolve the matter at hand.
To me, it felt like he was using it for leverage and it hurt a lot. His comment had NOTHING to do with the issue that we were discussing and did not help to resolve anything. I was the one that addressed the actual problem at hand (which was that H called at the last minute and wanted me to drop my plans because he had nothing to do and wanted to see the kids) and proposed a solution. I told my H that I would be flexible so long as he did not wait to the last second. In response, my H claimed that he is not a planner. I told him that if he decides to go out of town, in light of our current S and our current custody arrangement and he wants me to be accommodating, then he will just need to plan in advance. He cant claim that he is not a planner and then expect me to drop my plans for him at the last minute. I did that during our M and I am done waiting on him to arrange my life. He agreed.
When my H throws around custody and injects it into conversations like it is no big deal, it hurts. Instead of letting my H see that pain and/or letting him get me all riled up, I just come here and let out my sadness and anger. My H probably has no idea how hurt I am by this because our interactions have been great lately.
3boyz, glad to see your update. I feel like this is deja vu with your H - didn't this happen not so long ago after you had set the boundary about when he could come by?
Your H seems pretty self absorbed. (I know, I am pretty sharp to notice that, right?)
As usual, he reminds me of my H. He has told me a zillion times he isn't good at planning. I guess they think everyone else should bear the consequences of that?
I'm disgusted that your H would use custody as a threat, when he even admits he doesn't really want it! At least my H pretends he actually wants it. (Applaud the 1%? LOL.) If I were you, I would literally just ignore that kind of comment if he tries it again. Just stick with that boundary - you have done a great job so far. Theoretically, he will learn how to plan, and if not, that's his problem. Don't let it become yours.
Sorry you are so slammed at work - I hope you can have some quality time with your sweet boys this weekend!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Your H seems pretty self absorbed. (I know, I am pretty sharp to notice that, right?)
My is pretty self absorbed and always has been. I don't even think that he realizes how self absorbed he is. He is the guy that is always late because it is no big deal and the person waiting on him will be fine.
My H does say that he wishes that he could be with the kids all the time. But when we actually discuss the matter seriously, he says that he does not think 50/50 is best for the kids. And I think that he fully realizes that it would put a damper on his current fantasy life. I was gone for four days and he was shocked by how much time the kids took up and the fact that he could get nothing done a work when he had to do pick up/drop off, dinner, bedtime, etc. He simply works too much to have the kids 50/50, to actually run his business and still have time to party, etc. At least at this point, he is not ready to give that up based on his comments (which is ok with me because I get more time with the kids).
My H is actually much better at planning now. Heck, before he left for his trips he looked at his calendar and planned out several changes. So I no longer buy his excuse that he is not a planner. It is just his default response that he thinks excuses his actions. He says it when he is late for stuff, yet it still does not make it less rude. He may never learn because his mom is the EXACT same way so he was brought up thinking that it was okay.
It is my H's night with the kids, so I am planning to stay really late at work to try and catch up. That way I can focus on my buddies the rest of the weekend.
Question - I am the one that usually monitors our bank account statements. We have not split any of our finances. I have noticed over the past couple of weeks that there are limited charges showing up on the statements from my H. My H used to go out to lunch every day and eat out each night. Now the only thing on the account is if he takes the kids out to eat. I know that my H does not carry cash. So either by H is never eating or he is paying for personal things out of his business bank account or has opened a separate account so that I don't see the transactions.
Do I ask my H about this? I don't care about the money, but I care if he is deliberately trying to hide transactions and/or is separating finances without telling me.
(P.S. I am sleep deprived so I typing this made my eyes fill with tears because I don't know how we got to this place. I used to trust this man with my life and know I trust nothing).
Oh 3B....Heads up Doll...Eyes on the future type moment here.
I don't know what your H is doing with his cash, and nor should you worry about it. The fact is he is spending less money out of an account you both share....You part of that is only that there is enough money in that account to meet his obligations to the boys and you.
As to where/how he is getting his spending money, I hate to sound harsh but that is really his business. It doesn't mean he is hiding it from you....It just means he is taking care of his own finances. This is one of those things about worrying about the things you control. You get to make sure that there is enough money for his obligations to you and the boys, but how he deals with the rest of his money isn't really your business and out of your control.
As long as you are getting the obligations met, you really can't worry about what he does with his money unless....and only unless....You start seeing evidence of large unagreed upon purchases. Say like week long trips to the Caribbean, motorcycles, or a new Ferrari. And even then you have to be tactful about it.
This is the reality of a separation and divorce....Not fun and I am sorry that things have gotten here for you.
That said, you have stated you want more out of life and relationship....So keep an eye on the prize.
LFW - You are so right. This was coming from a place of fear. I was worried that he was up to something and was about to drop another bomb. I cannot let fear control. I am good at staying in my own sandbox most days. I need to get back there today and stop worrying about things I can't control.
Jam packed day with the kids. The kids begged me to go out to breakfast. Before heading out, I sent H a text asking if he wanted to join us. I have not extended an invitation in a while and I knew he would like to see the kids. H met us for a quick breakfast and then we let the kids play on a nearby playground. The kids played hard for almost an hour.
After, the boys and I headed to a petting zoo for opening day. We ran into my SIL and BIL and nephew as well as my H's cousins and their little girl. I had not idea they were heading there. They evidentially asked my H to join them but he said no because it was not his day with the kids. The kids had a blast playing together. We all had lunch together before heading back for S1's nap.
It was the perfect day. I was a little bit sad about the prospect of losing my H's family if we get D. My H has a huge extended family that all live locally. All of his cousins are the same age so it is fun to hang out with them and their children. They have been my family for more than half my life. Boo
The weather is absolutely beautiful today. I am so excited for the spring and summer. I can already tell that it will be a huge boost to my PMA.
After, the boys and I headed to a petting zoo for opening day. We ran into my SIL and BIL and nephew as well as my H's cousins and their little girl. I had not idea they were heading there. They evidentially asked my H to join them but he said no because it was not his day with the kids. The kids had a blast playing together. We all had lunch together before heading back for S1's nap.
It was the perfect day. I was a little bit sad about the prospect of losing my H's family if we get D. My H has a huge extended family that all live locally. All of his cousins are the same age so it is fun to hang out with them and their children. They have been my family for more than half my life. Boo
The weather is absolutely beautiful today. I am so excited for the spring and summer. I can already tell that it will be a huge boost to my PMA.
My former SIL and I are still close. (My oldest brother was a fool to leave her & yes, I said that at the time). I've actually spent more time with her than with him, come to think of it. We vacation together at least once a year and I'm close to my niece that way too. I have never done something like vacation with that brother...
My ex SIL was like a sister to me and I told her she always would be. We don't live in the same state. So that's hard,but is not related to the divorce.
You CAN maintain r's with his family but to be clear, ask him if that's okay with him (you don't have to "obey" him but if he says 'sure', like he may if he feels any guilt, then you have that to lean on when he notices that you actually can be with his family, NOT trash him, and keep going...)
I have another brother (5 in all) who divorced and when I tried to stay in touch with my sil in that situation, she invariably bad mouthed my brother to me. Even in front of the kids. I came to see that my visits were NOT helping those nieces, it was possibly hurting them b/c that sil would say "I HATE your brother", or "he is SO selfish that..." and go on.
WTH do I do with that? After the 3-4th visit with those things said, I gave up and only saw those nieces when my brother had them. I didn't see that x sil again til their youngest got married.
So if you want to maintain a relationship with his family, you just have to know Not to discuss HIM...and answer their questions, IF they ask, truthfully but never in front of the kids.
I think you might be perfectly capable of not losing them.
In our family, my oldest brother lost out on more family things, than his ex w did. (I mean, literally).
Then She remarried & quite happily. (I believe she's happier with her "new h" --16 years now) than she could ever have been with my brother.
My brother also remarried, a lovely woman. She has very low expectations of my oldest brother. See? A Win win I guess.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
3boyz, I agree that you should not concern yourself with the financial stuff. Not because it's none of your business, but because he's not doing anything that is harming you or the boys. Like someone else mentioned, if the opposite starts happening (he starts spending large amounts of money that is out of the ordinary), then you may want to say something.
I'm curious about the time you spend with H. How do you do that? How does that fit in with the boundary that you are not friends with your H as long as he is with OW? Do you think you are able to spend time with him without having any expectations or increased hope?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
As for the family...You can still be friends with the in-laws. In my oh so strange world....believe it or not, I talk with the ex-in-laws way more than they do with their daughter. My MIL just called yesterday and we talked for an hour....about the kids, business, my bum knee, all kinds of stuff. That said I have one hard and fast rule that I explained to her mother, father, and step father (actually this rule applies to my family also)...I don't nor do I accept them talking about what has transpired...no bad talking, prying, anything related to the ex. They all respect that, though the step mother does try to get the occasional barb in there.
For me it is easy...we can talk all day about the kids and I (I even often ask for parenting advice), but the ex is the past. Last summer the kids and I went to Disney with my sister's family and parents. At one point my mom started bad mouthing the ex in front of the kids. I quickly pulled her aside and told her to stop or we would leave. No matter what my ex has done....I will not have people putting her down in front of the kids....and that goes for me too. The kids will form their own opinion of their mom themselves...not by other people.
I agree with Melissa's question....I am curious about that boundary as it appears very weak and transparent at times.
