I do believe this is "his" way for pre-piecing. If he wasn't into it, he wouldn't be discussing or letting me steer either.. He would shut it down. To reiterate, he is "talking/thinking" about asking me out...much like he used to "think" about buying me flowers and a ring, etc. He then would feel justified.. "at least I thought of it", he would say.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I hope you do not consider buying a house with him for a long, long time mm. My H was home almost 3 years and I still did not feel comfortable enough to commit to a 2yr contract for Dish or cell phones...
I agree with the others about you steering the convo...maybe not intentionally...but you did do it! Old habits are very hard to break and as hard as you are working to change them, it is easy to fall back into them especially when you are starting to feel comfortable that things are working out.
Less talking, more listening!
BD-Aug 2009 OW Confirmed H moves out Dec 2009 D filed by H-Mar 2010 H asks to come home April 2011 BD AGAIN 1-15-2014! H seeing FOW! H ran away again! 1-18-2014
Less talking, more listening! ~~~ YEP!! trying to DO this!!
If he were to commit and be prepared to buy a house with me... that is progress. Especially if he believes it to be HIS idea...That is COMMITTMENT!
Yes... right now he is not "actioning" his thoughts/words. This is what he does. This is not new behaviour from him. But, it does tell me that he is at least considering as opposed to last year without any sort of words/thoughts that he was considering.
He is not impulsive... which is why it was ever so shocking that we ever split up. He went to great lengths, I am sure to come to that conclusion. Too much thought, he overthinks. He cannot get organized enough to actually execute his plan. He is this way too over purchases/investments/vacations, etc. It was always my "job" to realize the outcome.
Thoughts?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
maybe...but, he has always been like that... and he did commit to 20 years.
Just not sure what it takes for someone to organize themselves to get past the "thoughts".. I guess, this is where we connected well.. He would ponder, I would take over and control... it worked for us...for 20 years
Sitting waiting.... i need to see the action
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
you control it by fixing yourself so you're not displeased in the first place.
but you havent done this yet. you're still impatient. you dont truly listen. you find fault with minor details so that you can write off the rest of the topic. you still hear only what you want to hear, then you give yourself false expectations. and then you cant understand why you're disappointed. you ask a question until you get the answer you want, not the right answer. you're still obsessed with manipulating him into reconciliation. take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship and fix those issues. go and do the work to become emotionally independent. go and do the work to separate yourself from him financially. stop worrying about him and what he's doing.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Tx for your advice Ken, I will consider what you are saying. However, I feel strongly based on others advice on here ~ that I need to see him do the action. Let him do the work. If he wants to be with me, he will make the efforts (and as small as they are .. he has been). So "I need to see the action" is an accurate statement. It is stating that the action needs to be followed by the words/thoughts. I am not sure why you disagree??
I am not trying to figure out what he is doing.... I am trying to focus on what makes me happy and how to get through the day. We are entering our busy season, along with our year end.
I am not obsessed with manipulating him into reconciliation.. that would be just plain dumb. If he does not want to come back on his own free will, I do not want him back. Hence the reason, I need to see HIM do the action. To allow myself to do the 180 and not "fix" or make it "easy". He needs to do the work!
This ^^^ is quite a challenge for me, because our old relationship operated THAT way.
To separate from him financially requires HIM to action it. Other than demanding and finding a lawyer to put in action. I am not prepared to do this at this point, when I feel he is willing to divide peacefully. I have been having conversations with him about it (asking for another mediator appt yesterday, etc). He suggests wanting to "talk" more. I will not let this slide, I will give intervals and little breaks between these convo's but will keep on top of this issue.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"I am not obsessed with manipulating him into reconciliation."
of course you are, but you are CHOOSING to not see it. everyone here sees it based on your posts.
after the mediator you kept leading the conversation, discussing reconciliation and talks buying a house together, worrying about coffee and costco and the time frame for fixing his mothers house and sitting in his car or not sitting in his car, or lingering after work, or which txt to send or not send and whether to include a smiley face. <--- THIS IS OBSESSING.
and before you respond, just because you may not have done it today, doesnt mean you're cured. your x has 20 years of your behavior, just because you feel you've changed in the past weeks does not mean he notices or believes it or trusts it. long term consistency is key.
theres a difference between "seeing him do action" and hyper-analyzing his every move. you do the latter.
theres nothing wrong with watching his actions, as long as you dont let it affect you either way. you need to become an impartial observer. you have to be emotionally unaffected by whatever his actions are.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
oH... I know I am not cured... I state it regularly that I am a work in progress..
I do not analyze his every move.... I analyze and obsess over how to respond. My reactions/responses. There is a difference. I obsess/fret over MY stuff, not his. This might be considered hyper-analyzing MY moves, not his.
I am not discussing reconciliation and talking about buying a house... he is.
"theres nothing wrong with watching his actions, as long as you dont let it affect you either way. you need to become an impartial observer. you have to be emotionally unaffected by whatever his actions are."...... this is what I stated I am working on. Trying to have hope but without expectations. Tuff stuff.
~~~~~~~
H just hung up on me.... he was annoyed at my answers in response to a situation with our accountant. He ended with "do what you want" and hung up. Old Magic, would call and call and repeatedly try to "fix" the situation. New magic (change before xmas)... let him be. Go be angry. Let him call back, when he has calmed down.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
