Well we discussed this (again) lastnight and he thinks I've painted an inaccurate picture of the situation. He's not homophobic and has never said that I couldn't invite my friend to our home. I must have assumed his not wanting to meet Bret and a statement about how uncomfortable he would become if my friend looked at him the wrong way or hit on him, that this meant he was homophobic.
What it boils down to is this. He does not like how close the friendship is; he's uncomfortable with how well we can read each other's feelings. He also does not like how flirtateous our conversations are. H claims that there is an awful lot of sexual connotations in my friend's dialogue and that he's blatantly flirting with me. I don't seem to notice this, I suppose because I take everything he says in the context of a gay guy, not a straight man. I'm willing to ask Bret if he can refrain from any sexual innuendos, but I don't think that is the problem.
The icing on the cake is of course the fact that "you gave what is mine to him", a quote from H referring to my statement about my friend being able to think of our kids as his. The fact that his own wife *could* say such a thing has scarred him and he has to keep reminding himself that I didn't mean it the way he took it. I've tried to explain the context of how I meant it, and I believe how my friend received it as well. Right after I said that, he referred to himself as Uncle Bret.
Lastnight I explained the context again as if he had said *that* to a butch lesbian (or even an extreme feminist maybe!), best friend who was going to die, and had no way of bearing her own children. I tried to get it through to him that it was NOT meant to hurt him in ANY way. I tend to be sappy and cry during sad movies, heck, if a commercial strikes me just the right way my eyes get wet! I meant what I told my friend in a loving, heartfelt way... not as if I wished deep down that I had married him and had kids with him or that he would have made a better father.
H called my pact "silly". I reminded him that when it was made, I had had nothing but terrible relationships with men. He asked whether I would have gone through with it had we not met or married. I told him that there was a good chance that I might have due to my strong desire to be a mother. I honestly had no confidence in my ability to choose men, it was very important to me that I be married to the father of my children (first), and I knew I didn't want to be an older mother. Thus the 30 year "deadline". Both my friend and I agreed that our brother-sisterly love would have been enough to be parents. However, all of this became null and void when I did meet my H, about a year later.
My friendships are very important to me. My sex therapy homework is to explore the nature of my friendships and what I value from them. I suppose that is why I've posted this for anyone to comment on because I seem to place too much importance on my friendships. I'm looking for reactions to what I said to my friend and my H's reaction. My therapist and I can not be the only people who can understand the context of what I said. This deeply hurt my spouse and I have no idea how to make it better. It makes me feel terribly misunderstood and guilty for wanting to continue my friendship. I'm worried that any time H sees my friend, especially if our children are present, that he'll feel self conscious or resentful. I don't want to put him through that.
Aren't there *any* women here who have a gay guy as one of their best or dear friends?
I meant what I told my friend in a loving, heartfelt way... not as if I wished deep down that I had married him and had kids with him or that he would have made a better father.
I reminded him that when it was made, I had had nothing but terrible relationships with men. He asked whether I would have gone through with it had we not met or married. I told him that there was a good chance that I might have due to my strong desire to be a mother. I honestly had no confidence in my ability to choose men, it was very important to me that I be married to the father of my children (first), and I knew I didn't want to be an older mother. Thus the 30 year "deadline". Both my friend and I agreed that our brother-sisterly love would have been enough to be parents. However, all of this became null and void when I did meet my H, about a year later. 
