Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I feel really good today. It's been a day where I could have got caught up with stress and I've managed to stay relaxed and productive. Today was my first day opening the store by myself. I'd decided to go in half an hour early to make things easier for myself which meant half an hour less sleep. My 2yo vomited as she climbed into bed with my wife so my wife came knocking on my door for help. She tried to tell me what to do without making things easier but I kept my cool, did as my wife asked as quickly as I could and headed back to bed. My daughter vomited again so off I went for cleanup number two and my wife sent me to bed citing my early morning. She's been cold with me lately but there's little snippets of thoughtfulness.

I had a nice, peaceful morning both at home and at work as I set up my day. After the shop opened, I had an influx of customers which, while quiet by my boss' standards, it threw my rhythm out and things became quickly chaotic. I kept my cool and just did what I could under the circumstances and I was pretty proud of how things went. My boss eventually arrived and bailed me out and the rest of the shift proceeded pretty smoothly.

After work I had planned to spend some time with the kids but my daughters were annoying my wife and were sent to their bedrooms. I wound up watching the eldest and youngest play outside and then the kids were more interested in drawing than dear old Dad :p The kids are spending the weekend away from my wife and I and I had planned to go to the gym and take my wife to the pub for dinner but my kids were picked up an hour late and my wife already had plans, following her friend who picked up our kids.

With my wife gone, my plans delayed an hour and a storm starting I decided not to let things get me down and went to the gym anyway. Five days into a seven day swing at work, up at 5am, disrupted sleep, chaotic shift at work, plans delayed and distant wife and I went anyway and boy am I glad I did. I was in the gym by myself, listening to the storm outside and enjoying my workout which included adding weight to half of my routines. I decided to treat myself to a bacon and egg sandwich and iced coffee for dinner as I wasn't able to make it to the pub and boy was it good.

Now, I'm just kicking back, watching one of my shows in an empty house and I'm enjoying myself. I feel proud of how I've handled my day. My wife is definitely creating more distance between us but I'm not panicking, I'm not overthinking things, yes, thoughts cross my mind but I'm shutting them down quickly and reminding myself that I've been through this part before. It's a very similar dynamic to November when my wife limited conversation with me and things were very tense. She's referring to our bedroom and bathroom as "mine" to the kids and I as well. It's not all bad though; my wife was playing her game last night and called me in to check out how she was doing and didn't flinch when I sat on the couch beside her to watch. I know she's not my biggest fan at the moment but I'll continue to work on me, enjoy what I can and hopefully things turn around again soon.