I think I belong here....

[praying_in_GA]

It has been 2 days since he told he wasn't really trying and didn't want to lead me on. I spent a day being angry, bitchy, and pissed off. Yep, worst idea ever. So, in the last 24 hours our interactions at home have been light and easy. Like things aren't going on behind the scenes. We chat about anything that comes up. We laugh at the kids. We talk about his school.

This morning I took my first steps towards some major 180s.

He wants to join the Navy to help pay off his student loans. He is very anti-government but he sees this as a great way to gain experience in the medical field while also helping him out financially. He asked my opinion and I was hesitant to answer. Today he was talking about it again. I was supportive. I told him it would be an interesting time in his life and would add to his life story. He is going to talk to a recruiter about it soon. I am scared to be a single parent while he is away / deployed. His family and mine would help but I would miss him....or I would learn that I don't need him?

He has wanted a motorcycle for as long as I have known him. I have been against it. My father died on one and I don't want my kids to lose him. He has decided he WILL get one no matter how anyone else feels on the subject. Okay. I asked him if he was going to get his license in time to ride with his brothers when they come for a visit in May. He said he has already looked into it and he will get one on Monday. I told him that was great! I joked with him that WHEN he bought one (I did not say IF!!) that he should double his life insurance. He laughed and we 'shook' on the 'deal'. I even mentioned me riding with him a little to try and get used to it. We used to ride dirt bikes together all the time so I know how to ride...just not a street bike.

He has a job interview/testing tomorrow for a medical position part time. He has class at 9am and then the testing right after so I will have the kids most of the day. Even though I will be dog tired after working two shifts in a row I was very excited for him! I told him this was a great opportunity! I mentioned that he didn't need to worry about taking over a bill, just help out with groceries and use the rest for his spending money. It has been so long since he has had his own money. (I didn't say that to him, just my reasoning) I am reluctant to hand over any of the household bills right now. Last time I was no where near financially able to support myself and the kids. This time I am and I don't want to become dependent again.

Well, I guess this was the tip off. He laughed and asked me if I had talked to a lawyer. He said I was never this positive and open to so much. He actually said: "Have you talked a lawyer? You are a complete 180 from what you have been." He asked if I was worried about abandonment when he goes into the Navy. That question confuses me. I still don't understand what he was asking. I told him no, I have not spoken to a lawyer. I told him that I had done some soul searching and decided I needed to stop holding him back from things that make him happy. I said I need to make some changes to myself...one being to be more positive and open.

This is where it gets worse....

I got to work and sent a text. Stupid stupid stupid.
Me: "If you have consulted with a lawyer, let me know so I can do the same."
H: "I haven't but go ahead"
M: "I would rather us wait a bit if you are okay with that. This doesn't have to be all or nothing...there are shades of gray."
H: "Shades that you like?"
Me: "Maybe"

OMG, someone stop me before I ruin this!! Time to re-read DR STAT!!!