Wow, Pam...that is a hard one, especially given my current sitch. My opinion is that your primary responsibility is of course to your husband, and that if contact between you and your friend jeopardizes your marriage, then you ought not to have contact. But you might be able to open a dialogue with your husband in a non-threatening way by asking him some questions:
What is it about my friend that makes you uncomfortable? Why do you fear my being unfaithful to you? Help me understand why my friendship with my gay friend is upsetting to you.
Questions like this are not in any way a challenge to his attitude, rather they accept his feelings and require him to validate them on his own. You aren't starting a fight by challenging him and drawing battle lines; rather you are opening a dialogue and asking him to respond to you with his perceptions and understandings rather than filtering his responses through your own prejudices.
I think it is a legitimate concern for many men that their wives' male friends have minimal contact with ther wives outside their presence because those friendships often do blossom into other things, especially when your marriage hits hard times. In our case, as you have read, my W began a torrid affair which still continues to this day because this male "friend" was going through a painful divorce, and he was needy, and my W was starting to realize how unhappy she was with me and so began to commiserate with him, and eventually the door was thrown open to a full-blown affair. I think that is at the root of a lot of male insecurity...that we know there are no guarantees and so we don't want our wives even taking the risk in the first place. That doesn't mean it is a rational fear - few fears are - but it is a legitimate one and so I'd tread lightly at least until you and your husband can come to an understanding.
I support you having the friendship, but I doubt you would be foolish enough to engage in a sexual relationship with a person who is HIV+, and you need to reassure your husband that is the case. Either way, your husband's convictions on gay people may never change and then it is a case of who means more to you - your husband or your friend. In my case right now my W is more into her friendships and her new independence - that was the cost of not relating better with each other in the past. I hope that your sitch is more easily handled than mine was!
