melissa

[melissag]

I just read back all the comments about my H and D's fish interaction. It's kind of amazing how similar our sitches all are . . . great bc we can all empathize with each other, but it just svcks, especially when kids are involved. (For those following along, apparently H bought them two new fish . . . I sure hope they don't fight to the death.)

I saw my kids at TKD tonight. They tripped over themselves to sit/stand near me all the time. Lots of hugs. D9 wanted to tell me everything about her day. When I left, they couldn't get enough hugs.

It made me sad and angry. When this whole thing first started, I felt sad for my kids and myself. I really don't even feel sad for myself anymore . . . but my heart breaks for my kids. And it makes me angry. Really, really angry with my H.

I'm really amazed at how many people get D. I mean, almost half of all marriages. Like it's nothing. When, really, it's huge. It's painful. It's horrible for kids. It's expensive as hell. It's just plain f-ing stupid.

On the plus side, I am getting more detached from my H, I think. Last night when I got scowled at for an hour during TKD, at first I got that awful feeling in my stomach that felt so familiar during our M. The "oh [censored], what did I do now? Why is he mad at me?" feeling. And then I realized that it doesn't matter anymore, because I have done nothing wrong and if he is mad at me for something, that's his problem, not mine.

My counselor told me that kids need to have that validation or they feel like they are going crazy.

Yes! I can only imagine! I know I spent years wondering if I was crazy, and I still doubt myself. I find myself asking people to check me on things often. And that's with me already having a pretty good sense of self, of right/wrong, etc. My kids are just learning. How are they supposed to figure out what's what?

I got an email from my L today to give me a heads up that he will be sending H's lawyer my experts' list of documents required to value H's partnership interest. My L said my H will probably blow a gasket when he sees it., and he is probably right. It's a pretty long list, and it requires H to get a bunch of info from his firm that he may or may not be entitled to. In any event, he will hate asking for it. Oh well, he can deal, I guess. In the meantime, I will wear a helmet around just in case.

Back to the earlier convo. I've told my C that I think I need to focus on finding that middle ground between hating my H/being an ice princess, and getting sucked in and jumping on his roller coaster.

Has anyone successfully done that? I mean, when your H/W has filed for D. And before the D is over. Is it even possible?

I've always had trouble being mad at people . . . I just find it unpleasant. It seems like a lot of work to stay mad. But in this case, I feel like I need to. My H now, for the past day or two, has been super friendly via text (not so much in person). Like, being funny and referencing inside jokes, etc. I keep ignoring them and just sticking with the facts. Because I know if I allow myself go there, I will go way too far there and take 37 steps backward in detachment.

I am wondering if I just need to do this for a while, at least until the D is over and things have had time to settle down.

Sorry for the rambling.