4th quarter, Not looking forward to OT

[AJM]

I have to say, J, those two posts are absolute gold.

Day in and day out…the voice whispers…. So you begin to believe it. Believe it so much that at this point guilt has a total grip on you.

If I had to guess, you're like many of us here - it doesn't help that your nuttier-than-squirrel-poop W is telling you those things too. We've been there too and it is not pleasant. It seems it is what she needs - to tear you down for her pain. Or least, that's what she's doing. Don't buy into it, J.

I can add to this a little (I think). I used to joke when I was having a bad day that even though the people I worked with hated me, I went home to people that loved me. To say my W's behavior rocked my world is putting it mildly. My family was, and is a large part of my life. But I realized along the way... I matter too. And that's important for you J. It's important for your family regardless of what's going on in your W's head. You are the rock of your family. Your kids know that and rely on it.

Can I suggest you face that fear of the kids not wanting to be with you? I had that same fear. Right now, my daughter doesn't talk to me. We were very close up until her 16th birthday. She's angry, but about what she won't tell me.

I'm not worried. We'll be close again; in the meantime, she has her life to figure out and I'm still there as her father. And she knows it. My son and I are very close, and yes he loves us both, but he does realize his mom is a nutter.

When I was her age, my mom died. My father may as well have as well. He checked out. My sister married a foreigner and moved away to another country. My grandparents were around, but it was really just me. I didn't talk to my father for many years. Not because I didn't want to, but because I had my own life to deal with and he was not really able to emotionally. He and I are very close again now.

Can I suggest that some of your fear comes from your own relationship with your mom and especially your dad?

Face those fears. What happened in your life doesn't have to happen in yours. To avoid that, you have to heal of your fears and hurt. You're doing a great job at it, and your kids see that. We all do, even your W.

You didn't choose this. You didn't cause it. But your way out is to face your fears and forgive your W. To do that, you cannot be encumbered with single handedly trying to save your R with her. It's counter to what you need to do, brother. Your control won't save your M. Your fear won't either. It takes two committed people and you're not in that dynamic right now.

I'm not saying walk away. I'm saying let that work itself out while you do what you need to do for you and your kids. She'll have to figure herself out, and that may not happen.

But I've seen your thoughts here on this board, and I know once you get over the desire to control and your fears, the rest will fall into place in a way that will be far better than you could dream up. (Sound familiar to anything else you've hear? Let God do what He does and accept it, perhaps?)

Be the best you can be, J. Be the best dad as well without the fear of being like your parents, and you'll see that life is really good. Believe us on that. We've been there too.

AJ