Hello. I sure hope someone can give me some insight into the problem my H and I are having.
One of my very best friends is a gay male. We've been great friends since our early teens. Right after we graduated from high school, my friend revealed to me that he was gay. I remember asking him why he waited so long to tell me and that it wouldn’t have changed how I felt about him as one of my dearest friends. We ended up sharing that we both had had crushes on each other in the past but were too afraid to change our friendship. I loved him very much, but could never imagine having sex with him and he could not imagine being completely faithful and monogamous, especially with a girl. It was at this time that we made a pact. If we were both still single by our 30th birthdays, we would get married so we could have the children that we both really wanted.
I met my H in 1994 and we got married 4 years later. At first, my H seemed to accept our friendship, but insisted that we meet outside of our home. He had no desire to meet him or interact. So we'd meet for coffee or meals once in a while. We eventually lost touch because of his travels and my marriage and having children. My H has told me that at this point, he was relieved that my friend was "gone" and hoped we'd never reconnect.
Well, I don't have very many friends and realized that I missed this friend terribly. I found him and my H became jealous and insecure. Some of his reactions and comments make me feel like he doesn't trust me, as if I might be tempted to have a sexual encounter or affair with my friend. We live in seperate provinces so it's not as if we're constantly doing coffee or going out. We IM (chat online) here and there, usually for about an hour every week or two.
I just found out in December that my friend is now HIV+. I wanted to make it absolutely clear to my friend that him being HIV+ didn't change our friendship or how I felt about him whatsoever. Reminiscent of our pact, I told him that he could think of my kids as his. Well! H found out about this and understandably was upset that I could say such a thing. I tried to explain it in the context it was meant, but he's scarred by those words and I made a diffult situation even worse.
My friend is possibly moving to my area in a few months, and I'm really not sure how this will affect my H. He seems to get overwhelmed easily when I have been in contact with him or any gay person for that matter. He tells me that he accepts my friendships because he loves me, but that doesn't mean he has to accept *them* or their lifestyles. Now that he is aware of my friend's HIV *and* our pact, I'm sure any contact with him will throw H over the edge - especially if our young children are present for any visits. Don't get me wrong, he's not uneducated and ignorant, I think it's homophobia or else I'm somehow not making my faithfulness and love for him clear enough. What can or should I do? I'm not prepared to simply drop my friend(s) for my H's comfort level.
