4th quarter, Not looking forward to OT

[ericmsant2]

Jfun

I've been following you for a while. I know that you are getting some very good advice. When I read your post today on one hand I was happy. On the other hand it broke my heart. You are angry and that is a very good thing. What you do with this anger is very important. Do you sit and stew, do you over compensate in one way shape or form so that you try to keep the anger at bay OR do you use it to really sit down and decide what you want for your life and the life of your kids. It is your choice JFun.

I suspect that on some level you are embarrassed by what is going on with your family. You shouldn't be. You did not cause her crisis. Yes, you may have done some things in the M that you wished you hadn't - we all did. Everyone does. You may have worked a lot, spent a lot of time in the office...missing time with the kids. If this is the case, join the crowd. I did it and many others did it. I suspect that if indeed you missed time with the kids that you did it to take care of your family, to give them a better life, to give them the best you could. It was what worked at the time. Jfun you were not wrong for doing this! That was the dynamic in your household until…your W’s crisis hit.

It was in the past. Let it go. Your W for whatever reason decided to choose a different path for her life. She decided to change the game if you will.... that is not your fault. Nothing you do now can change the past. Nothing. Now that may sound sad... it is not. Your past is just that.... your past. You now have a chance to write your future. Think of your future as a blank sheet of paper that you can use to design your future life.

I can feel the fear you have about the kids in your post. I was there man. Not sure if you have ever read my threads... you should. You would see the same fear. The fear of losing my kids. I do not have much family and the few that I have are not close to me....at least they were not for a while. So my kids were my family. They were everything to me. Everything. Just to give you a bit more context... my dad left 20 bucks on the table when I was born. To this day I do not know who he is or where he is. My mom she had her own issues. I became a ward of the state at a young age. Soooo I made a promise to be the best dad I can. To never leave my kids. To give them the best I can. So JFun I understand your fear. I know it very well.

When the bomb dropped... I freaked. The guilt took over. You know that guilt that talks to you all the time. When you are lying down, driving, hell even just walking. It says to you…

You worked to much...

You were not always around....

When you were you were tired...

You left the parenting up to the mom...

You did not cook as much as you could have…

You didn’t clean as much as you could have…

You did this or that wrong…
Then that voice reminds you that…..it is correct….it tells you if you W said it…it must be true.

Day in and day out…the voice whispers…. So you begin to believe it. Believe it so much that at this point guilt has a total grip on you.


When the guilt hit me.... I did what a lot of guys do. I over compensated. I did everything. Wash cloth, bath them, cooked, cleaned, worked, kid parties, pick up and drop off, drop off friends... I did everything. All while my ex f×cked around. At the end if the day I was pooped. I had nothing. Nothing ldft... only fear and guilt.

Then.....it changed ...

I made a choice.....

I mattered....

I needed some time for myself...

I realized and ACCEPTED.... that I could not shelter the kids from everything. I could not act like we were the perfect family .... so I let go...

Totally...let go....

I decided to be the best parent AND the best man I could be. So what did that look like?

I still did most around the house. I still did most of the parenting. I also took care of me. I went out. I GAL'd.

I protected myself legally.

Some of the women that are about to read this may disagree with what I am about to say.

JFun are you afraid that because you are a male or dad that the court system will be working against you? If so, I get it. Most men feel this way and unfortunately our society operated this way for a long time. It is changing. A slow change but it is changing. No longer are the mom’s guaranteed to have full custody. The courts are starting to realize that dad matter and that we matter more than just writing a check and being the every other weekend fun dad. That said, you need to have a plan to ensure you achieve your goals. Speak to an atty, figure out what you need to do to position yourself to be an active part of your kids’ lives. Your W may not like it. She may try to posion the kids against you. Guess what – believe it or not – it will not change how the kids feel about you as long as you keep being YOU. As long as you keep being the best person you can be. Trust me JFun, they will see it.


When I spoke to my L – my instructions were clear. I was open to anything EXCEPT anything less than 50/50. Even though I felt that the kids should have lived with me full time (mom was….ummm…spending every waking moment with her married boyfriend)….I did not think that it was really in their best interest. At least no long term. So…my L and a good friend gave me the same advice – keep a log. Document. Hopefully we will not have to use it. I am happy to say I did not have to use the log. Why? Cause my L spoke to my W’s L and I believe let her know that she did not have a shot in hell to get full custody.

You are not going to lose them JFun – not as long as you ALWAYS put their best interest first. Even if that means…agreeing on something with your W.

Separate any anger you have toward your W from decisions that need to be made about the kids. If you are anything like me…I wanted them to hate their mom. I wanted them to not want to spend any time with her. Why did she deserve them? Look at what she did to the family? These feelings are YOUR anger that you need to work on.

The kids are going to love you. They really are going to be fine. Yes they will feel this. Yes it will not be easy.

I am not saying that you should promote an R with their mom. Nope. But you do not have to sabotage it. You do not have to live in fear that they will love her more than you.

My ex was a stay at home mom for a very very long time. She raised the kids. Did everything with them while I busted my arse. I was so scared that they would not want to come and spend nights with me. That they would always want to be with mommy. OMG..that was so far from the truth, at least for me. Yes, they love their mom. They also know that Mom is crazy (kid you not my D said it the other day to me). They have no expectation of their mom. None. They love her with all of their heart but they no that dad is the Rock.

The Rock….that’s you JFun. That is your job right now. Ya can’t be the rock if you are always afraid. You can’t be the rock if every time your ex says something you put your head down and walk away in fear. I’m not saying slap her – I am saying respond in a DB way (healthy boundaries) – for example…I’m sorry you feel that way ex. Please do not speak to me like that. If you continue I will leave the room and you can argue by yourself. The Rock JFun also needs to be healthy. You need to nourish your soul. You cannot be strong and face the fear if you are so tired and drained.

JFun…be you man. Trust yourself.

Gotta go and get Toria ready for school tomorrow.