own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

[Portia]

Magic,

I know a horse can be led to water but you can't make it drink, but I feel compelled to post to you on this issue. I am worried for you.

my living arrangements are a little complex at the moment. I am currently living in a large place until it sells. Kind of like house sitting. But, this is temporary. I am here until I figure out my financial situation with H....its major progress that he is considering purchasing again "with" me ... this time!

Magic, how does this ^^^^ not concern you?

You are there until your SO decides to kick you out. What if he never wants to buy a house with you? What does your financial future look like if you are not together?

He is "considering". But he isn't doing.

What are YOUR plans if this all goes south?

[makingmagic]

Hi Portia,

Thanks for posting and your concern. I think you may be misunderstanding. I am not in HIS house... I am in a rental of my own. A friend of ours owns this place. It is cheap living and I am here until I figure out my next step. H has no control of how long I will live here. Before I figure that out... I need to know my financial situation. I am currently moving forward with the partial suggestion that the mediator suggested. But, its slow getting H to move forward with it. This past Sunday, he suggested that we go to a mutual lawyer & have it written up. However, we are super busy with work, and it keeps getting placed on the back burner. I keep bringing it to the forefront, as I just did again 5 mins ago. The option to see the mediator again, just presented itself this morning (we have credit). I mentioned it to him to finish up finances or to see her on a personal level. I know He was busy, said we would discuss it later.

I know he wants to buy a house with me. He brought it up on Sunday. I did not steer the convo, he suggested as the mediator suggested a joint purchase. He is just lost on how to actually put it in action. He is eager for BIG changes, I know he wants out of that house with his mom. Motivation. He mumbled something last night about living with DD and me was easy & comfortable. He is overwhelmed and we will discuss it again. Im just being cautious of my timing for this discussion.

Plan B ~ divide business, leave business, buy my own place...live independently of him (completely), until my heart no longer aches to be with him. Possible friendship in future.

[KenF]

"He could tell my displeasure, and then stated what the mediator suggested. That he would invest in another house 50/50 with me."

"I know he wants to buy a house with me. He brought it up on Sunday. I did not steer the convo, he suggested as the mediator suggested a joint purchase."


you did steer by showing your displeasure. it was only then that he changed his story.

[makingmagic]

true Ken... however, he did seem to want to offer me some comfort that he is "thinking" that way. Also, it was my reaction...not intended to steer. There is a difference.

~~~~~~~~~

H was just here. A little while ago, he called to offer to drop something off for me. I said ok, want a coffee? He said sure. He came over. DD was here. He was walking around room to room, comfortably. Coffee time was brief. I brought up the mediator refund as we received an email earlier today about it. I asked if he would like to use our refund towards another mediator appointment. We could see her on a personal level too. He said he would like for us to talk some things out before going to her and using up another 6 hours. I said that he doesn't seem receptive to the idea. He said he is receptive. I left it at that. At the door i pushed.. asked if we should book the appointment as it is in April, he said sure...we can always cancel. SO, I guess more waiting... waiting to see when HE wants to have more talks.

[KenF]

your intention makes no difference. you steered him into saying it. which means what he said, wasnt what he really thought, it was what he thought you wanted to hear.

just like he just told you he doesnt want an appointment with the mediator, but you pushed him into it.

just like he didnt want reconciliation but you and the mediator pushed him to it.


you're not listening to what he's really saying and you're pushing him to tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

and then you're sitting here wondering why its not working out.

well, its because when he tells you what he's thinking, you push and steer to get what you want.

so yes, more waiting until you learn to just listen.

[makingmagic]

no.. that was the outcome... I did not steer. Steering is trying to take control. I was not trying to control the direction of the house conversation.

Steering was was I was doing with the mediator appointment. He did not say he didn't want it. He said he did, but wanted to discuss some things first.

He is not against reconciliation, he SAYS THIS! He is not being pushed into it. He says its ON the table. The mediator may have suggested it, but he was already thinking it anyway.

I can agree.... that I have definitely steered in the past. I am trying hard NOT to do so now. Sometimes its auto reflex... I am working on controlling it.

BUT YES!! more waiting... waiting to listen

[KenF]

you're arguing over semantics.

steer, manipulate, changed, influenced. pick a word, I dont care which one, it all means the same no matter how you much argue to deflect responsibility.


your action caused him to change what he was saying.

[makingmagic]

not arguing... stating that my actions in the past were to "steer & manipulate"... that particular convo was just my reaction, not with intention (like I have done in the past).

Just off the phone with h. He is interested in counselling, but wants to have many talks first. Wants to decide what areas we can figure out ourselves vs. where we need help/guidance. H is also frugal. He mentioned that if last night hadn't gotten late, he would have suggested going out for a beer. He also suggested that if DD had come along, he would have suggested dinner.

~~~~~~~~~

As for a future home. I stated the "cart before horse" theory to h on Sunday night. I said, shouldn't we be working on our relationship before we consider our living arrangements? As for my current living arrangement ~ its pretty awesome. I get to live in a HUGE house that is just wonderful for hosting parties, etc. for pennies. I am not in a position to rent or buy. When my financial situation is determined (working on this), THEN I will consider my options. For now, I am cozy where I am. I will NOT waste money on Rent! This living situation is a smart move....for now. Purchasing on my own, is my next step. When I am financially prepared.

** will keep my steering in check. Tx for the warnings!!

[KenF]

again, i dont care what your intentions are. your x doesnt care either. what matters is that you did.

you seem to think theres a difference between one conversation and another in your x's mind.

to you, there is. this allows you to say that your pushing/manipulating in one conversation has no affect on how your x reacts in another.

but in reality, people dont separate that way.

what you've said and done last week, affects how x is acting today. so your pushing/steering/manipulating last week is part of his conversations today.

this is why everyone talks about consistency.


his telling you he wants many conversations before counseling/mediation/reconciliation is simply a way of telling you he doesnt want it.

his procrastination is him saying no.

someone who wants reconciliation does not make excuses.

[makingmagic]

ok Ken... I will accept it is what happened, possibly in h's mind too, but how am I supposed to control that?...like I said, that particular time it wasn't intentional.. it was my silent reaction. H knows me for 20 years. He could see it in my expression. I can't be expected to have a poker face in front of a person who has known me for that long... its impossible.

i am not sure I can agree with you on the words he is saying. He is saying that he wants to talk, because he wants to talk. He insists on this. This is said not because of MY steering. It is said because HE says so. His offerings for time together, beer/dinner...is HIS offering.

I don't believe he would bother to suggest beer/hangout/dinner is to tell me he doesn't want to... thats f-d up!

I will sit back and wait for his next guesture. I do believe there is a real switch here, efforts and words coming from him...on his terms. His comfort level. Yes, he is still "talking" about asking me out... I am not sure why they aren't "actions" as yet. This is typical of his behaviour over the years. He "talked" about picking up flowers on the way home or buying me a ring....