Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[nit84]

Barry,

That is exactly what happened in my sitch money wise. Both my W and I worked, I made about 66% and her 33%. My wife lost her job 2 weeks after S. She still received benefits till they dried up last month.

Before the S I paid the bills and we had an agreed upon amount each week that I would leave in my W account for her to use and I transferred the rest over to my account to pay the bills. If she ever needed more all she had to do was ask.

It was like this throughout our M. I wanted her to take over paying bills once we got M and we tried that but she bounced check after check because she did not keep a good record.

It was then decided I would take that over I didn't want to but WE decided it was best.

Fast forward to right after S. I suggested that she now take over paying the bills and I would transfer money each month to cover my share. She agreed and I told her this is the way I always wanted it anyways she snapped back NO! you decided that you were paying the bills and that was that.

She was telling me that she thought that was because I wanted to control her. I validated and the subject has never come up again.

After 3 months of paying the bills she asked me one day why I transferred the amount I did. I told her and she asked so our agreement is we go 50/50?

I said yes but there was never really any agreement but we can talk about it if you need more. She said no I will figure out what I need to do. I said that is fine let me know. She said she thought that was unfair because she wasn't making as much and I had all the money. I thought but didn't say it "find a job and you would be making more than you are now".She passed up an opportunity early in S to return to an old job at the same pay rate but the travel is what caused her to leave and she said she wasn't going back. I validated and empathized and it was never brought up again.

Sorry it took so long to get to this but my point is I was always fine if my W wanted to handle the money. WE chose to have me do it.

She has done a great job at paying the bills since S. Before all she cared about was the bills were paid and she wasn't going without anything she wanted. I found out when I moved back home that she turned that around on me and said she never got to spend any money. I validated and it was never brought up again.

By paying the bills she now sees that it not that easy trying to juggle things to pay bills and to try and pay debt down. Also, how much in bills we actually pay each month is something else she is finally seeing. Right now because she has no job we are not paying any extra towards paying debt down quicker just doing minimum payments.

She would never tell me but I would hope that she appreciates how I did things pre-BD to keep afloat and try to pay debt down.

Now that her benefits have dried up I am waiting to see if she asks me to help out more or not. I won't offer. She is making some money at an odd job but even that is less than her benefits were so she tells me anyways.

I have figured out that I could pay every bill and still have some left over for savings not much but some. I always wanted to be able to do this and now I can because of pay increases through the years. This way we could start a family and have my W stay home with the kids. Then later on if she wanted a part time job wonderful.

I don't think it is my place to "bail" my W out, as much as I feel I should, she has clearly decided for now that she wants nothing from me. If we aren't together anymore she will have to figure this out for herself.

She has confessed to me that she has very little money and I already knew this she just needed to tell me I wasn't going to bring it up because that would be like I was throwing it her face that she has no job or money.

She is a strong person and much more mature than when we first M so my dream would be for her to realize that together we can do everything we ever wanted for us,kids, yearly vacations, paid off home, nice cars, etc... but apart it will be most difficult on both of us to have these things not impossible but difficult.

I know it is just me but there is a certain security, that I feel is there, that would make people want to work to the point of exhaustion on their M before giving up.

Sorry again for being longwinded.