melissa

[Underdog]

Sorry, all. I got in late to work because I woke up at 1:50 am and didn't get back to sleep until about 5. I called D17 in sick to school and she's here with me at work now. LOL, I realize that anything I say is going to seem hypocritical. But if my D17 were a typical kid and not special needs, she'd have gotten herself dressed and to the bus to go to school herself. Since she's not going to college, and Mr. Wonderful and I have been doing this for 11 years now, we're totally good with making decisions for ourselves, but we also let the other one know what we did and why. Or what we want to do and why.

That being said, the rules were different for D20. Like your D9, my D20 is a carsick person. So is her dad. I'm not, so he is very empathetic with those issues. She's even more carsick on buses, and her volleyball requires a lot of travel on buses. We used to drug her up. My sister has given her some homeopathic remedies that she likes better than the drugs - because she doesn't like how she feels on the court afterward. She manages okay.

I have to say that it seems as though the ladies are saying what I agree with. And food for thought: are you going to want to be the parent when she's 15 who has set a precedent of allowing her to bag on educational experiences because she doesn't want to go?

I say this because I'm the parent my D20's circle of friends who was mean. (her words) In fact, her dad and I were very much against senior skip day. It is and was not sanctioned by the school, and I told her I wouldn't call in an excused absence for her. I felt she missed enough school for club volleyball (her activity of choice), and that senior skip day was unnecessary. She did it anyway. So when attendance called me about her, I told them the truth. (I know this woman fairly well now LOL.) Apparently, in a class of 850+, I was the ONLY parent who refused to lie, and I created a real problem. The dean called me and told me he was going to suspend her. Let's just say we got in a heated argument, and I won. Because I said to him, "Do what you need to do, but why are you punishing the one family who actually told you the truth? Are you saying that lying would get her off scot free? I'd prefer she get dinged with an unexcused absence, but if you force me to play that card, okay, I'll lie." He backed down.

So back to you. What you do at 9 will come to roost at 15 and 16, when it's a LOT harder to manage. And the last thing you and your H need is to be divided in your parenting. In fact, when people come to me for advice, I tell them, "I don't care what your position is, back up your spouse/former spouse and then disagree out of their ear shot. You have to present a united front, especially in a divorce, because kids will seek to find the openings where they can control both of you." And I stand by that.

It would probably go a long way if you could suck it up with your H, apologize for excluding him and promise to collaborate with him more.

BTW, I just texted my D20. Her favorite remedy is ginger pills (which you can get at Whole Foods) and a pillow. She's also a huge fan of ginger ale on road trips too. But when she was younger and went on field trips to the mountains, I doped her up on dramamine and sea bands (which I also used for my morning sickness with some relief).

This is hard, Melissa. I know. But once you try on a new set of clothes, you'll feel more comfortable. Cross my heart. It gets easier if you begin with the end in mind. But I personally don't think I'd give in to D9 on her request anyway.

Betsey