Unicorns, Big Foot, and the WAS...

[juliegayle]

Hey artsty. Don't have any specific advice as I am still just making this up as I go along. It sounds like you handled things well. You acknowledged what he said bit didn't let the sitch devolve so you accomplished your goal for your daughter.

Have you talked to her pediatrician or any therapists or school counselors on best ways to explain things to her? I have a few people on my s team helping me with this process.

[labug]

This may not be the "answer" you're looking for but when you become a more compassionate person in all areas of your life (I'm not saying you aren't, this is just a general statement), it just happens.

It's a big step when we can see our spouses are also struggling. When we see both sides of the coin. As long as we vilify and demonize being truly compassionate is impossible.

Do you meditate? Are you familiar with loving kindness or metta meditation? It has been helpful for me.

I also repeat this to myself quite often:

Watch your thoughts for they become words.
Watch your words for they become actions.
Watch your actions for they become habits.
Watch your habits for they become your character.
And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.
What we think, we become

[artsy]

Thank you, ladies!

JG, we have told her for the time being he is traveling a lot for work, so he won't be around as much. My IC, who also treats children, said that would work for now and we need to approach it with caution because she's not going to process this whole thing as others may. That's why we arent telling her anything yet, as we have no answers. When an inevitable or final resolution is clear, we will tell her what is happening-but I don't feel putting her in limbo would be good. She's doing quite well, overall right now so we'll keep with the status quo.

And, YES! I feel family dinner is a minor victory. It could be a major victory if we can make it a regular thing so she still has a connection to H. Her biological dad is basically absent, so H is important.

And Bug, after all is said and done, I know I have work to still do on myself! I believe in all kinds of things- fate, destiny, God, spirits, free will, auras, etc. I'm a religious/spiritual mutt. I truly believe this whole thing is the universe giving me a hard shake to "wake up"! Bottom line is I need to be better in all my Rs, especially my daughter and H. And, my IC agrees wholeheartedly. That is what we've been working on.

I know H is struggling- he tells me almost every time we have contact. It's difficult to show compassion and appreciation when we have sporadic contact. He thinks he really didn't matter to us- what will me GAL do for that point of view?? (I'm not going to stop GAL, but it just is all confusing)

Ugh!? They're so frustrating!!! :-/

[labug]

I get the feeling that you might want to fix him more than show compassion.

It hurts when we see loved one's struggle, my first thought is often "how can I make the pain go away?"

I had a talk with my IC yesterday about an issue with my S21 and I said "Right now it feels like accepting is giving in, that he will always be where he is" (my son has OCD)

Her answer:

"Accepting is not trying to fix or control but rather opening up room for change to happen."

[artsy]

I don't know if I want to fix him, or if I just want him to get fixed, if that makes sense- or is there a difference??? He needs professional help, but his ego won't allow that...

And how do I "open up room for change to happen"? I definitely try to control things, especially when someone else is just sitting there afraid to move!!! help me, Bug! Lol. I feel like I'm not going about things the right way, but I don't know how to change it.

[artsy]

I stopped giving him suggestions on how to " help" himself back in December. It was having the opposite effect of what it was intended to do...

Besides interactions with D12, I've been focusing completely on my life and allowing him to control contact. Maybe I need to tweak that???

Can someone else fill in for me?? Lol I need a sub.

[KGirl]

artsy, I'm going to keep an eye on this and see what you find out/what responses you get. I'm having that same trouble... I want H to go "fix" himself but know it's not my place to facilitate or encourage it. I mentioned counseling at the beginning when we had a long R conversation in the context of how talking to a neutral third party may be helpful, and let him know where our insurance covers it and that the coinsurance is very cheap. In fact, MIL and SIL have both contacted me concerned and wishing H would go to counseling or get help to "figure out where the unhappiness is inside him, instead of thinking it's the relationship" (SIL's words!) but we've acknowledged that you can't make a horse drink (or whatever analogy you'd like to use in this situation).

[artsy]

I know! I know! I don't know how your H is, but mine is overly proud of the fact he hasn't been to the dr. In over 10 years. I really don't think he'll go unless it's court-ordered lol

A better "fix" for my H would be to get away from his toxic friends. That may be happening on some level, as he has been having disagreements with them as of late (which he tells me for some reason, after he told me they were one of the reasons he left- they had NOTHING positive to say about me after only meeting me a couple times. I'm likable, I assure you. So we can see how fabulous they are. BUT, the OW is in that group, so I think we can see where their point of view may have been a little "skewed")

My H knows the unhappiness is him, he just has no idea how to get away from it!

Geez!!

[artsy]

Documenting:

Had our family dinner tonight. It went really well! D12 ran up to him and gave him the hugest hug and kiss I have ever seen her give! So cute! (Remember, she has Aspergers, so showing emotion at all is a big deal). He enjoyed it and was surprised by it, too. BONUS: the sushi place we went to has 50% off sushi Monday-Thursday. Making note of that!!!!! Yessssssssssssss!

He hung out at the house after. Very casual. It was nice. He is staying here with the dogs while I'm out of town this weekend.

SIDE NOTE: he mentioned he was offered a trade for his Sportster (my Sportser;) ) the guy wants to trade him an old RV with a plot of land on a lake north of us. This has the potential to be a game-changer::::: his toxic friends own property several hours south of here- they aren't going to hang out at his new place up north. This was a point of contention leading up to S. He would go out of town with toxic friends, I was not allowed because they did not like me (and he wouldn't stick up for me). This new development could put a wedge in between them. Or not- it's just " interesting"

Also: BIG DEAL------> he has made contact with his estranged D18. They stopped speaking 3 years ago, and that's about the time he started getting a bit distant, in general. This is different for him, hoping it means he's coming out of his fog a bit.

Big night, lots of "interesting" things... Let's see what happens.

[labug]

Hey, artsy,

Still lots of focus on H and what he does, or doesn't do.

Keep working on you and your detachment from him and his "stuff". While some of his issues may be a problem for you (friends) they may not be a problem for him. Let go of his problems.

Can you see him as separate (not in the marital sense) from you with his own life, his own GAL, his own friends and that not affecting you?

I know H is struggling- he tells me almost every time we have contact. It's difficult to show compassion and appreciation when we have sporadic contact. He thinks he really didn't matter to us- what will me GAL do for that point of view?? (I'm not going to stop GAL, but it just is all confusing)

It's his struggle, let him have it. You said, in the same post I believe, that you believe your sitch was a msg from the universe that you needed.

Respect that he needs whatever he's going through and offer unconditional love and support. It may be from afar,but he'll feel that. What we practice when we're apart from people is important because then we don't have to worry about doing anything different when we're with them.

If you love him from a distance, you will be lving when he is in front of you.

If you have compassion for him from a distance, you will be compassionate with him in person.

Look up Valeska's threads-you might appreciate her writing.