Hi, all. I’ve been reading this site and following several threads for several months now, but finally built up the confidence to post my own story. While going through a very trying time, it has been uplifting to me to watch how so many others have handled their own struggles with dignity and grace and I’m glad there’s a community like this one out there.
I am 32 and my H is 35. We have a beautiful D7. We’ve been married for 11 years and together for 14. BD was 10/25/13. I returned home from a week-long business trip and my H asked to talk to me after we tucked D7 in. My heart instantly dropped because I knew what was coming (more on that in a bit). I got the ILYB speech. He feels trapped, isn’t happy, and has tried everything. At first he said he didn’t know if he wanted a D, but when I asked the question second time, he said that he did. He feels that we aren’t compatible and are more like roommates. He emphasized that I am a great mother and a great woman and this isn’t about me at all. Just a few of the things he said that confused the heck out of me:
• He needs to do this so he can be happy and be a better father. • He is still sexually attracted to me. • He’s been trying for a long time to make things work. • He wants 50/50 custody. I’ve been the primary caregiver of our D since day one. • He wanted to stay together through the holidays and move out in January. • I’m his best friend and he never wants to lose that.
Like many others, I did all the wrong things--cried, argued, reasoned, etc. At some point in time during that first week or so, I was attempting to reason with him and had what I thought was a breakthrough. He said that he thought we might end up together again someday, but now wasn’t the right time. I asked why he thought we had to get D for this to happen. I couldn’t fathom why he needed to put me and D7, and himself, through all that unnecessary pain if he could already see the possibility that we would end up together anyway. He said that D would be like a reset. I asked him to consider another possibility: that we would still separate and work on ourselves, but we would readdress and see if the “reset” could be restating our vows and making a new M and leaving the old one behind without going through with a D. He agreed to think about it. He said he would give that possibility at least as much thought as he put into D.
After all that, I found this forum and DR. I’ve since read both DB and DR and recognize that I did a lot of the wrong things at first. Since then, I’ll go through a period of a couple weeks where I don’t bring anything up and then I’ll take a huge step back. I’ll bring up R talk. That’s one of the huge things I need to work on.
Through some of our conversations, I’ve gotten insight into some of his complaints. A big one for him was that I wasn’t supportive enough. I acknowledge that this was definitely true, so I’m working on 180’s on this when the opportunity arises. Another was that we aren’t interested in the same things. While a lot of that is rewriting of history, there is some truth in it, too. So, after BD when he would ask me to try some new food or watch some movie he was interested in, I would give it an actual chance instead of being immediately dismissive.
He began IC in November at my urging, but has continued to go with no prompting from me. He moved out the first weekend of January. We’ve had two date nights and several family days since then and he always calls or texts me afterward to tell me what a great time he had with me. Still, if R talk comes up, he tells me that his feelings haven’t changed, but he’s still thinking. I get so angry about what this is doing to our D7 and have lashed out at him (telling him this is a selfish decision and things of that nature).
This is getting a pretty long, so I’ll just fill you all in on some important history. My H and I were separated once before. When our D7 was an infant, my H also said ILYB to me. After several months of IC for each of us and MC for us together, he said we needed to separate. After a two month separation, he said it was a huge mistake and of course he loved me and he had realized what was really important. Stupidly (in hindsight), we stopped going to MC and IC at that point, so we never really dealt with the issues. Additionally, after reconciliation, I was never as open or vulnerable as I had been previously. I always felt like I was holding back to avoid getting hurt again. This time around, I had felt that H was pulling away and had asked him about it multiple times and he always assured me that everything was fine and he was just working through some things or had a lot on his mind.
I am so grateful for all the support I’ve found here even when I was just lurking and am looking forward to more. I'm relatively stubborn and have a tendency to be defensive, but I need to have my thinking challenged and help seeing other perspectives.
