There's another dead bishop on the landing...

[LoisB]

Here's a perfect example of my life:

So, we are going to Asheville. We were supposed to go on Sunday, but my mom and I are thinking of leaving on Saturday.

Well, d11 is already asking me questions about when we are leaving, what we are packing, what bed in the cottage we are sleeping in, what we are eating, what food we are taking... Imagine a normal kid on acid asking these questions. It's not that she wants to know...she NEEDS to know. I don't have the answers yet.

The last time we went anywhere was the summer before last when we went to a family reunion two hours away. She still talks about how much she hated it. She hates going anywhere, especially hotels. So we stay put.

So, since I mentioned we MAY stay in a hotel on Saturday night, she is starting the meltdown. The meltdown begins with things being thrown or "dropped" accidentally.

Anything unknown freaks her out. I am so proud of her for being ok with going on this trip. This is HUGE. It means we are making progress. But, holy shid. She is flipping because we may stay in a hotel the first night. FLIPPING OUT.

And, before anyone gives me advice, don't bother. I know how to parent Asperger's. Part of parenting a child on the spectrum, actually the main part is just doing it. There is NO solution. You just get through. It's exhausting.

So, Yes, fooling around with someone, sounds like fun. Ok? NOT marrying anyone, not inviting anyone to meet my parents, but Fuccing around sounds fun. Will I do it? Probably not. I won't get the effin chance.

[LoisB]

I'm angry with the cards I've been dealt. I'm angry that I've stayed put and done what was necessary for my kids while my teenage husband couldn't handle it. I'm angry. I'm angry I'm poor while my dad and my ex can go away on weekends with NO Problem whatsoever! They can leave. They can go have fun.

Smokey can get high, he can fucc, he can go on the lake and I what do I get? I get to handle a broken jeep, no money for the attorney I and my kids deserve and a plethora of issues he CAN'T handle... probably because he is on the spectrum too and NO BODY confronted it when it was still the time to catch it. They pretended he was normal and I got the fall out for loving someone who needed help and never got it.

Because some stupid a$$ parents didn't THEIR jobs, now MY JOB is 100 times harder.

So, guess what? I'm gonna flirt. And screw anyone who says I can't.

[LoisB]

And something else.

I've spent my whole life alone. As a kid, my parents weren't available. My mom drank and my dad was a selfish narcissist who thought only of himself.

I was alone.

I married someone who was unavailable. Someone who couldn't really be there for me.

I married without ever really dating anyone. Went to an all girls' school and married by the time I was 22.

What if reaching out and getting to know people is PART of my Journey? A healthy part of my journey?

I don't have fun. I've always been like this. I've pushed myself and pushed myself and pushed myself until I collapse.

I think being ready for some fun is healthy.

Have I don't it perfectly? NO!

I've effed it up. I texted the forester when I was desperate and my jeep was broken and I need groceries. So what? I screwed up.

Will I marry the forester? No.

I was in therapy by the time I was 15 for severe depression. I went to Co-dependency tx when I was 19 because I was suicidal. I've been in and out of therapy and Al-Anon and other 12 step programs since I was a teen.

I'm sick of analyzing. I want to enjoy my life a little.

I think it's healthy. I know it's healthy.

On this board, we can become, in my opinion, a little too rigid in HOW we should handle this journey.

This shid is hard and it stinks and it's lonely and for anyone out there trying to do it perfectly...it ain't gonna happen.

For the first time in my life, I'm looking for my own Joy and I'm reaching out. I need more girlfriends and I need to get to know to other men. I've been limited in my interactions with men to Smokey, my abusive stepdad and my dad. None of whom are stellar examples of manhood.

[LoisB]

One more thing:

I know it's not the politically correct thing on the boards...but, ya know what? I don't particularly wish Smokey happiness. I kinda wish he would rot in he!! along with the skank. I find it comforting to think of the two of them destitute and begging for cigarette butts from strangers. Maybe sweeping up the little buds of marijuana they dropped on the floor because they can't afford grass. If they lived in a cardboard box, I wouldn't cry. I might even smile.

[makingmagic]

Hi Heather.... u need WOMEN !!! I joined an awesome women's group last August that you may be interested in. I have gained soooo much from this group. Its available in the States too. Please check out the Family of Women website.

You will get friendship & a safe place to vent & try out new strategies for a better life.

Let me know if further interested.

take care, Magic

[Portia]

I hope that made you feel better, Heather.

No one EVER said you had to be perfect, nor does anyone expect you to be.

We all get angry at the challenges life brings at times.

[LoisB]

Thanks it did. I needed that.

I guess I'm sick of people telling me what I can and cannot do. I think I've lived by other people's rules for my whole life and I'm not sure it did me any favors.

I calmed D11 down. Told her to take control and look up hotels. Seemed to help her some.

Sometimes I just HATE Smokey for all the pain and frustration and hurt he caused.

I'm getting there. I really am. Maybe you guys can't see it on the boards, but I'm living for myself so much more than I ever was. Please don't judge me for inviting some fun into the mix. I promise...I'm not going to hurt anyone. He!!, if I have 3 hours alone, I'm THRILLED. THRILLED!!!

[LoisB]

Thanks GM and Portia and Magic.

I'm not sure this is leading to getting my freak on. I think it has more to do with feeling like I have a choice. I need, right now, to feel like I have choices and I'm in charge of my own life.

For a long time now, I've felt limited by addiction, MLC, kids, Autism...I've been forced to adapt to a lot of situations because of other people's limitations or problems. I guess I just need to feel like I am trusted to make some good decisions.

I hope no one is offended. But, this is pretty huge for me to stand up for myself and defend myself.

I've the good girl, the good soldier, the one who just adapted for too long. I'm becoming myself!

I'm standing up for ME. This is really good.

[LoisB]

Oh my Gawed. That's what touched the nerve.

I've had to sacrifice alot, like we all have...I've had to sacrifice my wants, desires, hopes, dreams, even my ability to have fun because of the needs and inabilities of other people.

That's why I have felt I need to defend myself.

Because, I have needed to fight for ME.

I feel like the kid in Christmas Story when he climbs back up the slide to tell Santa what HE REALLY WANTS.

I want a little bit of joy for ME. I deserve it. I've worked so hard. I've struggled and fought for my kids and I deserve some joy. Wherever, however, I find it. We all do.

[Wonka]

Heather,

I am not sure if you need WOMEN...I think you've been pretty clear that you like MEN!! LOL Just sayin'.

I'm angry with the cards I've been dealt. I'm angry that I've stayed put and done what was necessary for my kids while my teenage husband couldn't handle it. I'm angry. I'm angry I'm poor while my dad and my ex can go away on weekends with NO Problem whatsoever! They can leave. They can go have fun.

That is okay! Be in the moment then let go.

We all have moments of wanting to blame others for our "misfortune"...it is just that: blaming and choosing to be in a victim mode.

You are in charge of your life and schedule. What are you gonna do with these cards? What CAN you do about them? In my case, I blamed Ms. Wonka for my 'back-then' difficulties until one day I realized that I was staying stuck in a martyr role and I didn't like it one bit. So I took back Wonka and did things on MY own terms. That felt really good and empowering in a very liberating way.

It seems you might not feel in that place just yet. In due course, you'll get there at your own pace, sweetie. Just be mindful of not being stuck in a "victim" mode and continue shooting blame out there: Smokey, Jeep, lack of income, etc. All but one are within your control.

Action steps effect the results you want. If you want to change your income stream, then change things up. Perhaps go to a networking event in your city and MeetUp groups. I've found MeetUps wonderful that people learn more about you and may drive more business your way because of the social connection.

You can DO IT, baby!!