When a WAW just comes out and tells you she is not going to end the A, it is comparable to a rebellious young adult. They are determined to do what they want to do and the more you try to change their minds.....the more they rebell. Therefore, life has to be the teacher by putting them through hard experiences.
It is not you job to administer punishment or shame, but neither should you try to shield her from it. That means you have to put yourself into a new role for awhile. You are use to being the protector of your family (and will continue to protect you a d the children), but you will need to step aside and let things hit her as though you are no longer in the picture. After all, that is what she thinks she wants, so let her have it. When a M woman wants to play around like she is single, there is a price. I personally believe that the WAW in an A has to be able to see some of that cost before she starts coming to her senses.
The more you struggle to get her to do things your way (trying to save the marriage), the harder she will fight you. That's why some WAW's say they want to be good friends with the LBH, b/c she wants to take the arguing out of the picture and everyone just be one happy family. However, the family unit is broken b/c of her decisions and it can't be a happy family until she ends the A and is willing to work on repairing the MR.
I know it is so easy to get your attention focused on the third party, but many WAW's end an A and still do not want to R the M. But for sure, nothing.......and I mean nothing will be accomplished toward your MR as long as she continues the A. The first step she has to make before you even consider reconciling is end the A and get through the withdrawal period with no contacting OM. She would need to be willing to be fully transparent in all her activity. And transparency really tests the rebellious spirit of the WAW. However, that is a ways off yet.
I said all of the above mainly to emphasize that giving her material to read on M or getting her into MC really is a waste of effort b/c she is not interested in saving the M. Her reasons of "better communication" is flimsy, at best. I can almost guarantee you that no ground will be gained. Now, once she is ready to R, then I suggest a good pro marriage counselor who will work with you both.
Starsky is a succeful DBer, and he could be a lot of help to you. He usually hangs around this forum when visits the board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
