He asked to be consulted, consult him. Tell him what D has said her feelings are and see what happens. Let go of the fear. Listen to him. Trust yourself. The decision doesn't have to be made today, right?
She's been through a lot in the last 6 months. Then the fish died. Maybe she needs some unscheduled time to process. We all do.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If she just thought it was boring, I still probably would not send her. Because I just don't think a 9 year old needs to spend 8 hours in a car in one day.
If she actually wanted to go, I would let her go. But she doesn't want to, and, because of the other strikes against this trip (6:30 a.m. start, 8 hours in car, missing TKD), I don't see a reason to force her.
I also think it is nice for her to once in a while have some time just with Mom, and this seems like a good opportunity.
Gineen, I will scroll back and find your post. I was reading last night at midnight with the benefit (?) of a couple of beers.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Bug, the fear isn't really what H will do or say. I'm trying to figure out whether this is a decision that (legally) requires me to come to an agreement with my H, or if this is a day-to-day call that is within my sole jurisdiction to decide. That's not to say that I will do this forever - I think it's important to be cooperative in co-parenting; I have done that so far to the extent I am able, and I aspire to have that kind of R with my H in the future. But at the moment, things are very tense (H is up to something or mad about something - he acted all pissed off and refused to look at me or even in my general direction in TKD last night) and I am just trying to get through.
If I know that I don't HAVE to come to an agreement with my H, I am fine to ask for his input, consider it, and then make my own decision. I am not worried about him disliking my decision, I just want to feel sure that I am doing what is mine to do, if that makes sense.
If I know that I DO have to come to an agreement with him, it's a different (and more difficult) situation.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
"So, you presented all of the options and they were kind of black and white. there is a middle ground between just saying yes to keep the peace, and saying " no, it's my day and my decision".
is golden.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
H is up to something or mad about something - he acted all pissed off and refused to look at me or even in my general direction in TKD last night
Get off of his roller coaster. When you start to perceive these signals as all about you, stop. Who knows why he acted that way? Maybe he had a really bad day at work or someone cut him off in traffic or... Not your problem. Don't make it your problem.
You can control the dynamic from your side.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
H is up to something or mad about something - he acted all pissed off and refused to look at me or even in my general direction in TKD last night
Get off of his roller coaster. When you start to perceive these signals as all about you, stop. Who knows why he acted that way? Maybe he had a really bad day at work or someone cut him off in traffic or... Not your problem. Don't make it your problem.
You can control the dynamic from your side.
It was quite obviously about me (or about him, but to him - about me), he was perfectly nice and normal to everyone else, but made it a point to ignore anything I said and refuse to look at me. I mean, even when we were sparring partners.
I didn't get on his roller coaster. I just continued to act perfectly pleasant. It didn't even bother me. Just an observation.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You don't know what the middle ground might be, you haven't talked to him yet.
Enter the conversation willing to listen to his side. You may agree, you may disagree but there's no need to discuss that in that moment. Listen and then say, "thanks, I need to think. I'll get back to you."
All you have to do right now is commit to listening.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sorry, all. I got in late to work because I woke up at 1:50 am and didn't get back to sleep until about 5. I called D17 in sick to school and she's here with me at work now. LOL, I realize that anything I say is going to seem hypocritical. But if my D17 were a typical kid and not special needs, she'd have gotten herself dressed and to the bus to go to school herself. Since she's not going to college, and Mr. Wonderful and I have been doing this for 11 years now, we're totally good with making decisions for ourselves, but we also let the other one know what we did and why. Or what we want to do and why.
That being said, the rules were different for D20. Like your D9, my D20 is a carsick person. So is her dad. I'm not, so he is very empathetic with those issues. She's even more carsick on buses, and her volleyball requires a lot of travel on buses. We used to drug her up. My sister has given her some homeopathic remedies that she likes better than the drugs - because she doesn't like how she feels on the court afterward. She manages okay.
I have to say that it seems as though the ladies are saying what I agree with. And food for thought: are you going to want to be the parent when she's 15 who has set a precedent of allowing her to bag on educational experiences because she doesn't want to go?
I say this because I'm the parent my D20's circle of friends who was mean. (her words) In fact, her dad and I were very much against senior skip day. It is and was not sanctioned by the school, and I told her I wouldn't call in an excused absence for her. I felt she missed enough school for club volleyball (her activity of choice), and that senior skip day was unnecessary. She did it anyway. So when attendance called me about her, I told them the truth. (I know this woman fairly well now LOL.) Apparently, in a class of 850+, I was the ONLY parent who refused to lie, and I created a real problem. The dean called me and told me he was going to suspend her. Let's just say we got in a heated argument, and I won. Because I said to him, "Do what you need to do, but why are you punishing the one family who actually told you the truth? Are you saying that lying would get her off scot free? I'd prefer she get dinged with an unexcused absence, but if you force me to play that card, okay, I'll lie." He backed down.
So back to you. What you do at 9 will come to roost at 15 and 16, when it's a LOT harder to manage. And the last thing you and your H need is to be divided in your parenting. In fact, when people come to me for advice, I tell them, "I don't care what your position is, back up your spouse/former spouse and then disagree out of their ear shot. You have to present a united front, especially in a divorce, because kids will seek to find the openings where they can control both of you." And I stand by that.
It would probably go a long way if you could suck it up with your H, apologize for excluding him and promise to collaborate with him more.
BTW, I just texted my D20. Her favorite remedy is ginger pills (which you can get at Whole Foods) and a pillow. She's also a huge fan of ginger ale on road trips too. But when she was younger and went on field trips to the mountains, I doped her up on dramamine and sea bands (which I also used for my morning sickness with some relief).
This is hard, Melissa. I know. But once you try on a new set of clothes, you'll feel more comfortable. Cross my heart. It gets easier if you begin with the end in mind. But I personally don't think I'd give in to D9 on her request anyway.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
