Reaching out for support and advice 3

[bluesgal]

H visited the kids yesterday for the first time since Tuesday. His visit was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I have a hard time with acting 'as if' around him lately. I don't like who he's become and I've brewed up some intense anger lately about the torture he's putting his family through.

Over the course of the day, he made a few off handed remarks blaming me for his severed relationship with his parents and made a couple of sarcastic smirks when I said something he didn't agree with.

I left with D for a long time during his visit to steer clear of him. It was her request-she didn't want to be around him. I guess she hasn't been responding to his occas texts, either. It's very obvious he's still blaming me for everything-including his relationship with her.

I could scream. I know-ignore, leave, GAL. But it is SO incredibly hurtful to have your H so convinced that you're pure evil and a horrible person.

I joined a bookclub with girlfriends this month. I have avoided it for years because I was too busy. Not any more. My GAL is awesome. I just wish my H would warm up to me and my family wasn't breaking apart more and more by the day.

He says he is miserable and has a knot in his stomach everyday.

[Wonka]

Blues,

Here to offer you some support and encouragement.

I've brewed up some intense anger lately about the torture he's putting his family through.

Please try to remember that H's MLC is all about himself and a process that he needs to work through himself. This is not intentional at all. For sure, I did not wake up one day with the intent to hurt and torture Ms. Wonka! They're broken and you need to unhitch your wagon from H; otherwise, he'll drag you all over the place with his fogged thinking & actions.

Over the course of the day, he made a few off handed remarks blaming me for his severed relationship with his parents and made a couple of sarcastic smirks when I said something he didn't agree with.

The MLCer will blame you for a lot of things. He'll blame you for the Moon not being Green. Ignore his smirks and whatever ornery expressions come across his face.

I joined a bookclub with girlfriends this month. I have avoided it for years because I was too busy. Not any more. My GAL is awesome.

Yay for you! Glad you've joined a bookclub to keep you occupied and will make you appear interesting to others when at some cocktail party that you'll attend at some point down the road.

He says he is miserable and has a knot in his stomach everyday.

This is one of the rare lucid moments from H where the real truth spills out of his mouth. Make a note of it and put it in the back of your mind. His life isn't one LONG, HAPPY picnic right now irrespective of how he portrays it nowadays.

How are the kiddos?

[bluesgal]

Thanks Wonka, for checking in on me. I'd love to tell you the kids are great....they're not. D and H relationship is straining. She has lost trust and respect. She warms up to him after he's visited for awhile. S is asking for dad less and less all the time and is really bonding with me. We have a routine at the house and we have fun-even had a whoopie cushion out tonight

I had a great counseling session today. She was impressed by how far I've come in 9 months and as I reflect back, it's true. My detachment is improving. My GAL is awesome. Our home is peaceful (too quiet some days).

When H comes over I always have a nice meal and dessert. I never ask him questions. We play with the kids. He has alone time with them. I am trying to do what 25 mentioned: To create a contrast between the empty life he's living and our real life here.

Spoke to H on the phone tonight. I just can't shake how disinterested he seems in me. He will ask about 'safe' subjects, but avoids me. There is no warmth or interest. He is completely empty of love towards me and that scares me.

[bluesgal]

Hello all.

I know that I sound like a broken record, but 9 months later and I am still in shock at the person my H has become.

He was so dedicated to his family. Homework every night with the kids, family walks together, you name it. Now he's literally off the radar for several days at a time. We won't hear from him at all. No idea where he is, who he's with, if he's safe. He shows no interest in me-(seems repulsed) and minimal interest in the kids. It's so hard to have witnessed such a downward spiral and vanishing of someone so special in our lives.

It would have killed him to be without contact with his kids before. This is the guy that would call home several times a day to touch base.

I am so grateful for all of my support, but it doesn't take away the mourning for the loss of the man I once knew. I was by no means perfect in our M, but there was nothing that was a hurdle so big that we couldn't have worked through it.

How does he run from everything? Where is his mind and his heart? Will he ever return? Will he ever touch me or smile at me again?

The questions always outnumber the answers, but I'm getting along pretty well overall.

Goodbye my H, I am putting our M in Gods hands.

[melissag]

(((Blues)))

I know, we get all of this advice here - it's not about you, it's about him. Don't take it personally. Make your life happy. And we do need to do those things. But the bottom line is, it just plain svcks and is all so hard to swallow.

I am really not familiar with the ins and outs of MLC, but from what I do know, your H's behavior isn't unusual, and could at some point turn around.

I think you have the right idea, letting go and just doing the best you can for you and your kids. I know you probably don't feel this way, but I can tell just from your posts here that you are doing an awesome job of this.

Hang in there.

[juliegayle]

Blues here is another big hug for you (()). I think we are stilk at very similar stages. I go along thinking I am doing pretty well with detachment and then am drawn back in by shock and concern over something h does.

I think for many of us here this is one of the Hardest things we have gone through. (For me it is second only to watching my s struggle to live in the nicu). It is so hard because we are fealung with our own grief and confusion and that of our children and trying to make ourselves better people and builf new lives. At the same time we have the pain of watching someone we still love spiral out of control. And that is where we (or at least me) get stuck. I guess that is where the love comes in in lovingly detach

The goodbye is important. Even if it is said symbolically to the universe and not to h. I have read some people on hear writing letters to say goodbye (obviously not to give to h but for you. )

[bluesgal]

I think the part that gets me is that he is getting worse and not better. It just goes to show that I still have expectations. I expected that when he left he would call or show interest in his kids or decide that his life sucked even more.

That he would feel guilt and want to better his life. Nope. Nada. I had expectations and then felt crappy when he moved further away instead of closer. Every once in a while I have a major moment of acceptance that comes over me. I have to accept that things may only get worse. They may never be better. Tough stuff.

[Wonka]

Blues,

MLCers will vanish from your life for a long while. They cannot handle pressure so they up and leave the home. Their coping skills breakdown hence the slow downward spiral that your H is experiencing now. He's now in the tunnel and he'll need to figure out a way out. You cannot force him out of it. Just let him be and go about your business.

I know that all of this is hard on you and the kids. It is HIM, not you. He's temporarily broken at the moment. Your real H is buried deep inside the gunk he's going through now.

Have you read my threads over in the MLC forum (A Voyage into the MLCer Mind)? It has some insights of the MLC experience with other posters chiming in with stories on their MLCer. You may find it helpful.

[bluesgal]

Wonka-Thanks for your post. I needed that reassurance.

I have read your thread-Voyage into the MLCer. I will read it again and compare my sitch.

I'm continuing on with life and trying to stay out of his way.

[bluesgal]

H texted me for the first time in 5 days. He has not contacted me or the kids at all. Said he's been very ill and apologized for not being in contact.

I have been doing really well on my own. I've been out with friends/family a lot and have been organizing the whole house. I have let my H go and feel a sense of peace with this.

He wants to see the kids tomorrow so I'll be curious to see how that goes. D15 broke down on Friday night b/c she missed her dad so much. S6 has been asking about him less and less.

H reliability has become so poor that I have been double booking his commitments. Meaning that when he has agreed to pick up the kids or go to a school function, one of the grandparents have always been on stand by in case he's a no show. He has no idea that I do this b/c he has no idea how unreliable has become. His memory is very poor now.

I've been tracking the amount of time H spends with the kids. This week: 1 1/2 hours with S and 35 min with D. This includes drive time to school. Last Feb when we were in Mexico, we emailed our kids every day and agreed that we'd purchase a tablet so we could skype our kids on our next vacation b/c he missed them so much. Who is this strange man?