Rise & Shine VI

[keep_going]

3boys,

I have been reading along for some time. Your sitch caught my eye because I see a lot of similarities to where I was early on in my situation. I also have 3 young kids and my H left when I was just 9 weeks pregnant - that was over 3 years ago.

I first want to tell you that you are doing an amazing job, considering how "recent" your db date was. You have proven to be a strong, strong woman, great mom and a classy person who is handling a tough situation with grace.

I do see you have been struggling a bit lately with your emotions, anger and resentment. I want to tell you that this is all completely expected and natural.

It amazes me that a lot of the things / conflicts I went through during the early phase of my separation, you are going through yourself. This latest issue about custody is no exception and I have a different opinion based on my own experience.

When my H left, he was very, very absent for the 1st year - he was too busy partying, enjoying his "freedom" and establishing his R with OW. He used to come and go as he pleased - until I set boundaries about when he could come and go.
He didn't help with the kids - until I forced a more formal visitation agreement and overnights at his place. (And yes - at first he didn't even have a bed for our girls).

Why did I enforce those boundaries? Because I was carrying all the weight at home, and while I was happy to be there for my kids, I was also becoming resentful. Setting those boundaries did wonders for my emotional well-being, helped normalize my kids' life by establishing a routine and schedule (as much as it could be called "normal") and it also brought a dose of reality for my H.

At one point my H also "threatened" for 50/50 custody after he talked to a L. At first I had the same reaction - he is out to get me, he is threatening. And perhaps he was, but nothing better than a dose of reality to fix that.

3boyz, I wouldn't say "yes, let's make that happen," nor would I argue with him about it. I would blow it off. Unless I am misunderstanding - but if I am correct, you have an agreement that has been working well for you, and your H doesn't even have a place he can take them 50% of the time. And, it doesn't sound like you are even close to filing anything, so this seems like a moot point, and your H is just trying to go for the jugular.

I disagree with this ^^^^. The "agreement" might be working well for 3boys, but that doesn't mean it's the best for the kids. We don't know what 3boys H is thinking.

I thought my H was just threatening, but once we established a routine, he stepped up and has become an amazing, amazing dad. As equally capable of handling the kids as I am. We are co-parenting in a great way now and my kids are doing so much better and are happy because they have two loving, caring parents and yes, two homes.

Granted - it took us a long, long time to get here, but it's possible. I wish my example helps you so you don't make the same mistakes I did out of resentment and fear and you can get to that place faster than I did.


I strongly believe that being an amazing parent has nothing to do with gender, or who has more "practice." If you read around, you will find amazing single fathers on these boards who have stepped up when their WAW have left...


I am a woman, but resent these kinds of comments:

Dads aren't entitled to 50/50 custody,

Honestly, Melissa, this ^^^^^ left me speechless...
Unless there is abuse, I cannot believe anyone can say that about a parent - male or female. How would you feel if someone said "Melissa is not entitled to 50/50 custody?"

and I disagree with others who say that children are always best served by splitting their time 50/50. Much of it depends on the age of the child, the fitness of the father to have them (and I mean things like, having a place to live, for starters, that is fit for children, having the time to parent them, etc., not just that he is not hooked on drugs or abusive), and the history of time spent with each parent.

I also mostly disagree with the above. I insisted on more custody the first year of my son's life because I was breast-feeding. That is a valid, physical reason for it, since my H cannot breastfeed. But even then, anyone can argue that he could give the baby formula or I could pump for when our son was with him. My point is that it's doable and parents who split, but who are kind and loving to their kids, have equal rights to spend equal amount of time with their children.

If your H truly wants 50/50, he will find a place to live with room for the kids and will buy beds, furniture and make arrangements for the kids to be with him. My H did all of that in just a few days...

3boys - This is my opinion only. I think it would be in the best interest of your kids for you to actually NOT ignore your H's request, but discuss the issue openly as AS suggests.

Since you both work full time, once you both see on paper, in black and white what each of you can commit to, the plan will fall in place naturally.

I work full time, my H part time. We have 65/35 (I have more), but that is based on our work schedules and in fact, my sister helps us both after school, because we both have to be at work, so practically, we both spend about the same amount of time (physically) with the kids.

And yes, things can always change when your circumstances change.

I guess it's a long-winded way of saying that things may not be what they appear. You really don't know what your H's intentions are by asking for 50/50.
So what to do?

a) Sure, you can ignore the issue (not sure how that helps your kids or you, though)

b) You can fight your H based on fear and lack of acceptance.
Fear of losing your kids - although with time you will see that you will not lose them
And lack of acceptance that in your present reality, you will not have them 100% of the time. That is just a fact of separation.
(Believe me - I know how hard it is to find acceptance of our situations - it took me over 2 years to get there...)

OR

c) You can establish a dialogue with your H now, find common ground and come to an agreement.

(I recommend that you read bug's thread in piecing - she recently posted about a tough conversation she had with her H. Her approach was brilliant and it completely changed old, bad communication patterns with her h and brought them to a great resolution).

D or no D, filing or no filing, you are already separated and you need to make the best of this reality FOR YOUR KIDS. They NEED that and deserve that.

Like AS said, give your H a chance to prove if he really wants 50/50. If he means it, he has a right to it; and if he steps up and comes through, your kids will be better off, given their current reality.

(((((3boys))))))