Rise & Shine VI

[bluesgal]

Well said, M

[3boymom]

Thank you all so much for responding!! I have been slammed at work and was in the office until after 9pm so I just got a chance to read everything.

Journal on...what would be your ideal arrangement.

Why/when does he "dangle the threat"?

3Boyz

1) What would be acceptable to you? What does the custody plan look like?

2) IF he wants 50/50, one way to leave it somewhat open (at least legally) is to have a "flixiable parenting plan" with a default schedule.

Bug & Eric - I am actually not sure what an acceptable custody plan would look like. Honestly, I am still having a hard time accepting anything less than 100%. I know that is not possible or realistic. I also know that I need time to myself. I just hate that I dont have a say in it and I am going to be told by someone else (whether it be my H or a court) when I can/cannot see my own children. I just never imagined not celebrating Christmas with them or splitting birthdays. I have been able to handle everything less, including the A, relatively well, but I get stuck on the custody issue.

My H has mentioned the 50/50 custody twice recently. One time in response to my mom's post on FB where H thought she was attacking his parenting. He said that he could get 50/50 custody to show that he is an involved dad (my H really cares about other people's perceptions of him. H cannot accept criticism and wants others to think that he is great guy). The other time was when I failed to invite him over on my night with the kids after he was out of town on a guys weekend and missed his days. He was annoyed that I was not accommodating and said that he could request 50/50 custody but would not so long as I was flexible. I told him that it felt like a threat. He apologized the next day.

I think your fears are based on who he was rather than who he is. Next time he throws out 50-50 custody you might try responding with "you know what? As much as I don't like the idea of not seeing the kids all the time, you have been a greatly improved father lately and I would consider a 50-50 arrangement." His response will tell you whether he's saying it as a "threat" or whether he really does want them more often.

I have directly asked my H what he wants in terms of custody. Based upon his answer, I really do not think that H wants 50/50 custody. H says that he believes that it is in the kids best interest to have one home. He thinks that they are really young and that it is important for them to have one home. He does not want them to have to which back and forth between houses. He said that he assumes that the kids will spend the night at my house during the week and maybe spend one weekend night with him. He also says that he wants to be there for sports stuff and to help with homework. Right now I leave the house on his nights with the kids, so I guess he assumes that we could continue with this plan. I am not sure how he pictures this working out if we are divorced, but it does not sound realistic long term. This is very different from a 50/50 custody arrangement.

[3boymom]

[/quote]

In my case my attorney advised me to keep a journal of how many hours/days my H is actually spending with my S currently. Since I told my H he can see our S as often as he likes it will be good to be able to say "when he had unlimited access, here's how often he actually came around..." should this ever go to mediation/court. For the past few weeks its been about 4.5 hours per week so I'm pretty sure his 50/50 argument won't hold up.

I am glad to hear the advice that you received from your attorney. Right now, my H has the kids two nights a week from approximately 530-930. On Sunday, we spend the days a family. At the moment, He is only spending eight hours a week alone with them and maybe eight hours on Sunday. My H is similar to your H in that he cannot work the hours that he is working and take care of the kids 50% of the time. It is just not possible. I know that I could make a lot more money (and be a partner in my firm), if I worked all the time. But it is not possible because I take care of the kids. It is a sacrifice that I have made. I am not sure if my H would be willing to make that sacrifice long term.

Why is your H saying this to you? Is he threatening D again? How are things between you two other than these instances?

My H has not taken any steps toward D. Our interactions have been really positive lately. With the exception of these two conversations), there has been no drama. My H was not mean during this conversations. It just hurts that he feels the need to point out that he can request 50/50 custody when it really has not bearing on the conversations that we are having.

[3boymom]

3boyz, I wouldn't say "yes, let's make that happen," nor would I argue with him about it. I would blow it off. Unless I am misunderstanding - but if I am correct, you have an agreement that has been working well for you, and your H doesn't even have a place he can take them 50% of the time. And, it doesn't sound like you are even close to filing anything, so this seems like a moot point, and your H is just trying to go for the jugular.

We do have an agreement that has been working well. My H still lives at his parents so he take even take then 50% of the time. I am not close to filing and I am not sure where my H is. He response is always "I don't know." My H just wants to point out that he is being nice in allowing me more time with the kids.

[/quote]
Dads aren't entitled to 50/50 custody, and I disagree with others who say that children are always best served by splitting their time 50/50. Much of it depends on the age of the child, the fitness of the father to have them (and I mean things like, having a place to live, for starters, that is fit for children, having the time to parent them, etc., not just that he is not hooked on drugs or abusive), and the history of time spent with each parent. [/quote]

I guess that is what I was wondering. When I read the advice on the board, it seems like everyone always says that 50/50 is the best. And again, I want my H and kids to have a great relationship and time together. I am just not sure that I agree that 50/50 is best for the kids. My kids are just so little that I cant imagine them being shuffled between two homes all the time. It is helpful to hear that 50/50 custody may not be recommended by experts for kids this young.

I am definitely not going to address the issue with my H. We are not at that point yet. I actually don't even think that my H is trying to be an ass. I think that he just does not fully understand how hurt I am about this entire situation (the S, the A, my loss of time with the kids). I think that he is still very self centered and does not see (or want to see) how his actions are affecting me or the kids.

Thanks again for the advice everyone!

[Georgiabelle]

Hi 3Boyz,

I'm just catching up. First, it's sounds like your interactions with your h have been positive. That's great. And I agree with the keeping the log about how much time your h actually spends with the kids. I do the same.

I want to be clear that I have close female and male friends and I disagree that it is an automatic that custody should 50/50. Horse caca! My h lives 5 minutes from us and he has dropped by, called and texted about the kids exactly 0 times in the last 5 days. The week before last he spent 11 hours with them- 6 of them being in the car and the other 5 were divided between him napping and being on his phone. I wish this was an exaggeration but it isn't. Frequently , he doesn't even speak to s10 during his visits. Mine may a bit different. Obviously , each circumstance is different and being a caring , involved parent isn't gender specific.

I know it's difficult but try to relax. I think they say things without always thinking them through. Your h " in theory" may want 50/50 with the kids but then reality of meaning the kids are actually with you 50% of the time is a bit if a reality check for some. It sounds as if your h has a busy career and perhaps has not really thought all of this through. Who watches kids when they are sick? Will your h? Or would he call you on his ( ugh I hate this reference because of how f$&ked up d is for kids ) and have you take them ? Just talking out loud.

Again, it sounds like your relationship is much more positive and that's awesome. Your boys are very young and shuttling them around could be very disruptive and uncomfortable for them. Just my 2 cents.

[Georgiabelle]

Darn phone. Would he expect you to take them if they were sick on his day?

[keep_going]

3boys,

I have been reading along for some time. Your sitch caught my eye because I see a lot of similarities to where I was early on in my situation. I also have 3 young kids and my H left when I was just 9 weeks pregnant - that was over 3 years ago.

I first want to tell you that you are doing an amazing job, considering how "recent" your db date was. You have proven to be a strong, strong woman, great mom and a classy person who is handling a tough situation with grace.

I do see you have been struggling a bit lately with your emotions, anger and resentment. I want to tell you that this is all completely expected and natural.

It amazes me that a lot of the things / conflicts I went through during the early phase of my separation, you are going through yourself. This latest issue about custody is no exception and I have a different opinion based on my own experience.

When my H left, he was very, very absent for the 1st year - he was too busy partying, enjoying his "freedom" and establishing his R with OW. He used to come and go as he pleased - until I set boundaries about when he could come and go.
He didn't help with the kids - until I forced a more formal visitation agreement and overnights at his place. (And yes - at first he didn't even have a bed for our girls).

Why did I enforce those boundaries? Because I was carrying all the weight at home, and while I was happy to be there for my kids, I was also becoming resentful. Setting those boundaries did wonders for my emotional well-being, helped normalize my kids' life by establishing a routine and schedule (as much as it could be called "normal") and it also brought a dose of reality for my H.

At one point my H also "threatened" for 50/50 custody after he talked to a L. At first I had the same reaction - he is out to get me, he is threatening. And perhaps he was, but nothing better than a dose of reality to fix that.

3boyz, I wouldn't say "yes, let's make that happen," nor would I argue with him about it. I would blow it off. Unless I am misunderstanding - but if I am correct, you have an agreement that has been working well for you, and your H doesn't even have a place he can take them 50% of the time. And, it doesn't sound like you are even close to filing anything, so this seems like a moot point, and your H is just trying to go for the jugular.

I disagree with this ^^^^. The "agreement" might be working well for 3boys, but that doesn't mean it's the best for the kids. We don't know what 3boys H is thinking.

I thought my H was just threatening, but once we established a routine, he stepped up and has become an amazing, amazing dad. As equally capable of handling the kids as I am. We are co-parenting in a great way now and my kids are doing so much better and are happy because they have two loving, caring parents and yes, two homes.

Granted - it took us a long, long time to get here, but it's possible. I wish my example helps you so you don't make the same mistakes I did out of resentment and fear and you can get to that place faster than I did.


I strongly believe that being an amazing parent has nothing to do with gender, or who has more "practice." If you read around, you will find amazing single fathers on these boards who have stepped up when their WAW have left...


I am a woman, but resent these kinds of comments:

Dads aren't entitled to 50/50 custody,

Honestly, Melissa, this ^^^^^ left me speechless...
Unless there is abuse, I cannot believe anyone can say that about a parent - male or female. How would you feel if someone said "Melissa is not entitled to 50/50 custody?"

and I disagree with others who say that children are always best served by splitting their time 50/50. Much of it depends on the age of the child, the fitness of the father to have them (and I mean things like, having a place to live, for starters, that is fit for children, having the time to parent them, etc., not just that he is not hooked on drugs or abusive), and the history of time spent with each parent.

I also mostly disagree with the above. I insisted on more custody the first year of my son's life because I was breast-feeding. That is a valid, physical reason for it, since my H cannot breastfeed. But even then, anyone can argue that he could give the baby formula or I could pump for when our son was with him. My point is that it's doable and parents who split, but who are kind and loving to their kids, have equal rights to spend equal amount of time with their children.

If your H truly wants 50/50, he will find a place to live with room for the kids and will buy beds, furniture and make arrangements for the kids to be with him. My H did all of that in just a few days...

3boys - This is my opinion only. I think it would be in the best interest of your kids for you to actually NOT ignore your H's request, but discuss the issue openly as AS suggests.

Since you both work full time, once you both see on paper, in black and white what each of you can commit to, the plan will fall in place naturally.

I work full time, my H part time. We have 65/35 (I have more), but that is based on our work schedules and in fact, my sister helps us both after school, because we both have to be at work, so practically, we both spend about the same amount of time (physically) with the kids.

And yes, things can always change when your circumstances change.

I guess it's a long-winded way of saying that things may not be what they appear. You really don't know what your H's intentions are by asking for 50/50.
So what to do?

a) Sure, you can ignore the issue (not sure how that helps your kids or you, though)

b) You can fight your H based on fear and lack of acceptance.
Fear of losing your kids - although with time you will see that you will not lose them
And lack of acceptance that in your present reality, you will not have them 100% of the time. That is just a fact of separation.
(Believe me - I know how hard it is to find acceptance of our situations - it took me over 2 years to get there...)

OR

c) You can establish a dialogue with your H now, find common ground and come to an agreement.

(I recommend that you read bug's thread in piecing - she recently posted about a tough conversation she had with her H. Her approach was brilliant and it completely changed old, bad communication patterns with her h and brought them to a great resolution).

D or no D, filing or no filing, you are already separated and you need to make the best of this reality FOR YOUR KIDS. They NEED that and deserve that.

Like AS said, give your H a chance to prove if he really wants 50/50. If he means it, he has a right to it; and if he steps up and comes through, your kids will be better off, given their current reality.

(((((3boys))))))

[Lostforwords]

3B,

As usual, reading your posts is the highlight of my forum day LOL....Keep on doing the excellent work.

As for the 50/50 split...I think you are really thinking about it well. It will end up more defined by the kids and how the parents can take care of them. You have three little boys....and that is a handful in a one parent situation, so the best way will rise to the top. Your husband bringing it....we all know that it is a control threat...Nothing more. If he can take the kids 50% of the time great, if not....still great LOL.

I am sorry that you will not have the kids 100% of the time. It is one of those realities of what we are going through. IMHO, a much greater damage then anything the WAS actually does. I see my kids struggle with it as teenagers....and I have them about 90% of the time.

Have a great day 3B.

[labug]

(hijack)k_g, I remember the bed trauma. ((( )))

I'd encourage all of you with young children to read k_g's threads, you'll see an amazing amount of anger, pain, growth, forgiveness and mostly love.

Worth the read.

[slow_it_down]

I didn't mean to imply 50/50 was 'best' just that it's a good problem to have if their dad wants to see them.

Young or old it's hard to split time because as kids they need routine and it's hard for kids to have good friendships when they aren't home much.

If you make decisions in court they are going to try to make it as close to 50/50 as possible. However, if you can really show him you are going to do your best to give him time with the kids you'll have a lot more personal negotiation power to work out a schedule appropriate for their age. Maybe he can agree to only have them overnight on weekends or to visit them at your house for some of his time like you are doing now. Whatever you can do to show him you care about his time with them AND what's best for them will go a long way.

It's just hard to get to the place where you are working together if he knows he can get you riled up by asking for more time.