Here's to a better 2014...

[mamabird]

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all of your support. I wish I had more time to spend here. It is still so helpful - even if I'm just typing and venting and then coming back later to get feedback.

So now it's been 2 months since that big fight. I have to say, unfortunately, that things have been trending downward pretty much since then. We had another HUGE blowout on Valentine's Day. We had gone out the night before, and then exchanged cards, and H was not satisfied with the level of effort that I'd put into my card. I signed it and wrote "I heart U" (with a heart symbol) and apparently that was not good enough. He wrote something nice in mine, but had gotten me a very generic card that didn't mention wife or anything (which annoyed me but I let it go). I don't have the energy to go into the details of that fight, but it was wicked and stupid and we have not recovered really.

Suffice it to say that we are both at our wits end at the moment. I feel like I can do nothing right. It's my opinion that H is looking for reasons to be disappointed in me. It's like I can never say or do the right thing. Tonight he was starting to tell me something - I was listening but actively engaged in something else at the time. He got very upset when I blurted out a comment (to myself) regarding what I was doing. I heard his whole story but he was annoyed that I was doing something else.

My issue is that when H has a complaint or wants me to behave differently(which he does often), he usually doesn't frame it up well. As in, "Honey, I'm trying to tell you something. Can you stop what you're doing for a second?" That sounds reasonable to me. Instead, I get comments like "Well that's nice that cleaning up from dinner is more important than listening to me." What happens is, he puts me on the defensive and then IT'S REALLY HARD to respond in a non-defensive way. It's frustrating because I feel like he doesn't understand this basic thing...

I got slammed A LOT on here for not taking responsibility/being defensive. I still do hear that in MC and at home. I'm perfectly willing to accept responsibility but it's not the first thing that comes to mind. H can't tolerate that I don't get there on my own all the time, and I think he wants/expects me to put aside any issue I might have with his communication and decipher/deal with his issue. So we end up in a loop that no one can seem to break. Last weekend he starting laying into me with S10 right there - right in the bed - and S10 was squirming because he was so uncomfortable. H wouldn't stop his rant, even after I told him "You're upsetting S10." Then I had to repair with S10, and had to repair with H as well. H used to apologize but he never does any more. It was never very easy for him and now it's completely non existent.

You guys asked me what we were doing differently. Good question. I have reached the point where I know that I, at least, have to do something differently. It's time to re-read DB and some of the other books I read last year. I have a call with my coach tomorrow (first one in over a year). I know that I have to kind of rise above the bullsh*t. The only problem with that is that I resent the bullsh*t. I wish I were more zen but I'm just not. But I am doing yoga 2x/week and I love going, and I'm really focusing on taking care of what I need and being happy. I guess I'd say that I'm willing to let go of a lot for the sake of getting along and happiness, but it seems like H is more picky than ever. I'll also say that the last time I reached this point, I basically threw my hands in the air and said "screw it," that's when H turned around and decided it was time to "try".

MC has also not been going great. I do like our counselor but even he, last week, suggested that maybe it is time to be done. Not what I expected and honestly I'm disappointed that he's not doing a better job helping us come up with alternatives (such as, "What are you doing differently"?) I also feel like the MC sides with my H most of the time, mostly due to the fact that he has a golden tongue and makes very convincing arguments. In fact, H even had my own father fooled for a while. H missed his calling as an attorney, that is for sure.

I'm still thinking about D, but our financial situation is not stable. I am working but I bounce around from job to job, and H actually got laid off a few weeks ago. So there's quite a bit of instability there - certainly not the right time to pursue D. Plus, I don't think we're really finished just yet.

So, all in all, not the most uplifting update - I think there are some positives here but I am so sad that H wants to focus on the negative all the time. It is very hard for me to ignore that, to walk around feeling like "it's my fault again". Not to minimize my part in any of this, as I know that I can improve, but if H would just TELL ME CLEARLY WHAT HE WANTS instead of getting his panties in a twist every time something happens that is not up to his specifications, we'd have a much easier time. I think H would be more satisfied... but the issue is he thinks he shouldn't have to communicate what he wants. I should just know what he wants. Someone who has the "right" personality would just know. I feel sorry for him that he thinks this way.