melissa

[Georgiabelle]

Paul ,

Kids are incredibly perceptive and observant aren't they? It's interesting the way they piece things together.

[bluesgal]

M-

I think I can relate here. I'll slightly hijack and then bring it back around

For years I've felt that my H does the same as yours: Doesn't acknowledge/validate/empathize with my feelings unless he thinks they are justified. Now bring that a step further and the same goes for this sitch: My D15 often feels hurt/confused/rejected by H because he always 'downplays' what's happening right now. Glosses over things. So here, my D is aching for her dad to come home, he comes to visit and acts like life is good. It leaves her confused. She wants to hear him say 'this [censored] and we're working on it' or ' I know you're hurting.'

Back around to you: I think I see this happening with your D. She sounds like she is confused about some things and hurt by things, but doesn't know if her bad feelings are ok since her dad is running around acting all excited about crappy stuff. Yay the dad pad instead of owning the reality of the kids having their family torn apart. Fish murder instead of 'This is the circle of life' or simply asking if she's ok.

Long, winding ramble. What I'm trying to say is that I agree with the counseling so she can feel safe and assured that her feelings are ok and her truth can be told and validated by someone other than her mom that she knows will tell her kind things.

My counselor told me that kids need to have that validation or they feel like they are going crazy.

For example 'My parents are getting divorced and it's tearing me apart, but my dad says how fun the dad pad is....'

Sorry, you know how I despise that label

[melissag]

Thanks, everyone. Jeez, I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to respond, but I did read everything and I appreciate the support and wisdom!

I got a few recommendations for child therapists and called one today - waiting for her to call me back. I do think it is a good idea to get both my kids in now, so that they have a relationship with the C before my H drops the bomb on them that he is not coming back in May as they expect.

I need some help with an issue that seems small, but could end up getting big, given the way my H has been behaving lately.

My D9 has a field trip coming up where she has to be dropped off at school at 6:30 a.m. It is a 4+ hour drive each way. I feel like it's over the top to have a 9 year old in the car for 8 hours in one day. And, my D9 tends to get carsick, which is pretty unpleasant for her. AND, I don't really like the idea of someone else driving my kid somewhere that far away. Oh, and did I mention the 6:30 a.m. drop off?

Her class had a similar field trip last year. I kept her home and H didn't care in the least.

I have been struggling with the question of whether I need H's agreement to keep her home from this field trip. It is on a Wednesday - usually I drop the kids off at school and pick them up on Wednesdays, and then H takes them with him after TKD. So I do think it's is "my day" with them.

So tonight H texted me and said,

Also, please don't make any decisions regarding whether D9 goes on this field trip to the internment camp without consulting with me.

I know I shouldn't assume, but let me just say that based on past and recent events, I get the feeling that he doesn't really give a sh!t one way or the other, but will use this as a way to assert some control over me, supposedly in the name of what's best for D9.

Regardless of my assumptions or lack thereof, or whatever, I am not sure what to do. How do I "consult" with my H about this? If he says he thinks she should go, and I don't want to send her, then what? Is this really a parenting decision that needs to be made jointly?? Or is it my day and therefore my call? I am not sure whether to agree that he should have some say . . . if we disagree, then what? Then I say, too bad, it's my day, I'm not sending her? How do I handle this without starting WWIII? (Other than just agreeing with my H to keep the peace, which I am not too willing to do since it results in a painful day for my D9.)

Any wisdom appreciated.

[2ndTimeHurt]

What does your daughter want to do?

As a kid I went on many, many trips without my parents. I used to ski race and we'd go all over the country and across the border. I used to get car sick as well. I really enjoyed those trips and still have many fond memories.

[melissag]

She doesn't want to go. She is begging me not to go. If she wanted to go, that would be a different story.

[labug]

So for those who think I should talk to my H about this . . . where do you draw the line when deciding whether to interfere?

First, looking inside is good.

I was thinking last night about how much you and other "Newcomers" here have needed to process in a very short time. I truly had the gift of time because my H wasn't motivated to get a D, he was just motivated to get out of close proximity with me! I do know this is tough and painful and it seems like you will never be "you" again. But you will, you will. You could even be a new and improved version. Shoot for that!

I jumped the gun when I said you should talk with him about the fish. If it's part of a bigger how can we set our egos aside and coparent successfully and from the same (or close to the same) place, then yes, by all means have the conversation. If it's to correct H, then no.

I kind of think, you know what? Screw H. Why the F should I help him to have a better R with my kids? I TRIED to do this for YEARS, and you know what I got? I got, stop undermining me; stop telling me how to parent; accept that this is the way I parent, and everyone has different styles, why can't you ever "take my side?" I got, "I'll be a better Dad without you in the way." So WHY THE F would I help him?

OK, now that that shameful thought is out of the way.

(there's that judge again, judging your thoughts, they are just thoughts. recognize that and let it go)

So WHY THE F would I help him?

Let's reframe this.

It's about helping your children. It's about creating a coparenting R. You're out of DBing 101 now, you've moved to DBing in the midst of D and coparenting. Things change a bit. Your kids are young. Your H is active with your children, he wants to be a Dad to them. (hey, no eye rolling) I know it's hard to see but there are many positives to your situation. Read around.

To add to what I wrote yesterday, if you have a talk and you listen while he talks there may be an opening to ask "H, how canwe as parents handle these kinds of things in a way that respects our kids' feelings?" and listen some more. caveat-if you've never asked his opinion on a parenting issue or never taken his opinion into account, it may take a while for him to believe that you're serious. He may think it's a trap. Proceed with caution.

There's an article I shared with Mic (I think). Here's an excerpt: (this mom is at a court-ordered parenting class, pre-determination of visitation)

The 1st speaker got up and started talking. I of course was too pissed off to listen, until they brought in the family court judge. Our judge. He went on to explain that it was in our children’s best interest to settle out of court. What? What was this guy thinking. I didn’t want to settle I wanted to fight, I was looking for a fight. He poked the momma bear and this momma bear was mad. He started to tell us why, sharing the effect an ugly court battle had on the children involved.

I have never cried so hard in front of people. I was not going to let my little man go through this. And then he said it loud and clear. It was almost like the walls shook, “If the case ends up in court NEITHER parent gets what they want. We make sure of that.” The best interest of the child is now in the hands of a stranger.
A STRANGER.

Is that what I had thought Keegan’s best interest was, a stranger’s choice? This stranger didn’t carry him all day in the sling. This stranger did feed him at his breast till he feel asleep. This stranger didn’t wakeup 12 times a night making sure he was still breathing. He didn’t know what was best for him. I did. I was his mommy. I was the protester.

We watched a video that featured children talking about schedules and visitation and some were crying. Heart broken their parents were fighting every time they got picked up and dropped off. They asked why couldn’t they just get along for that moment.

I remember the most amazing thing I heard in that class: “Kids know a rock when they’ve got one.”

He explained it as there is almost always one parent that is the Splitting parent. The parent that calls the other one names, wants to know what is going on at the other’s house, and having the child be a message carrier. When your child grows up they will turn to the rock when in crisis and in need. They will know that rock is always gonna be there for him/her.

I had decided at that moment that I wanted to be that Rock. I didn’t want to be the splitter. I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted my son to be happy. I didn’t want to have to hand over a screaming child. I learned that almost any parenting schedule will work for children whose parents are cooperating. That’s when I decided that’s what I wanted for my son.

I know this isn't the same as your sitch but I think it's still has valid points for you.

We know that D hurts children but we also know that kids are less negatively affected when Mom and Dad get along and show a united front. If we take the first part of the sentence as a given, we also have to do the same with the second part and do our best to make it happen.

You can do this.

[labug]

About the field trip-why doesn't she want to go?

[melissag]

She doesn't want to go because she thinks field trips are boring, she doesn't want to sit in a car for 8 hours, and she gets carsick.

[labug]

What would your solution be?

[melissag]

My solution to D9's complaints about the field trip, or my solution with how to deal with my H?

The answer to the former is, I would not send her on the field trip.

The answer to the latter is, I have no idea how to deal with my H. That's why I am posting and asking for some input.