Rise & Shine VI

[3boymom]

Thank you all so much for responding!! I have been slammed at work and was in the office until after 9pm so I just got a chance to read everything.

Journal on...what would be your ideal arrangement.

Why/when does he "dangle the threat"?

3Boyz

1) What would be acceptable to you? What does the custody plan look like?

2) IF he wants 50/50, one way to leave it somewhat open (at least legally) is to have a "flixiable parenting plan" with a default schedule.

Bug & Eric - I am actually not sure what an acceptable custody plan would look like. Honestly, I am still having a hard time accepting anything less than 100%. I know that is not possible or realistic. I also know that I need time to myself. I just hate that I dont have a say in it and I am going to be told by someone else (whether it be my H or a court) when I can/cannot see my own children. I just never imagined not celebrating Christmas with them or splitting birthdays. I have been able to handle everything less, including the A, relatively well, but I get stuck on the custody issue.

My H has mentioned the 50/50 custody twice recently. One time in response to my mom's post on FB where H thought she was attacking his parenting. He said that he could get 50/50 custody to show that he is an involved dad (my H really cares about other people's perceptions of him. H cannot accept criticism and wants others to think that he is great guy). The other time was when I failed to invite him over on my night with the kids after he was out of town on a guys weekend and missed his days. He was annoyed that I was not accommodating and said that he could request 50/50 custody but would not so long as I was flexible. I told him that it felt like a threat. He apologized the next day.

I think your fears are based on who he was rather than who he is. Next time he throws out 50-50 custody you might try responding with "you know what? As much as I don't like the idea of not seeing the kids all the time, you have been a greatly improved father lately and I would consider a 50-50 arrangement." His response will tell you whether he's saying it as a "threat" or whether he really does want them more often.

I have directly asked my H what he wants in terms of custody. Based upon his answer, I really do not think that H wants 50/50 custody. H says that he believes that it is in the kids best interest to have one home. He thinks that they are really young and that it is important for them to have one home. He does not want them to have to which back and forth between houses. He said that he assumes that the kids will spend the night at my house during the week and maybe spend one weekend night with him. He also says that he wants to be there for sports stuff and to help with homework. Right now I leave the house on his nights with the kids, so I guess he assumes that we could continue with this plan. I am not sure how he pictures this working out if we are divorced, but it does not sound realistic long term. This is very different from a 50/50 custody arrangement.