Help!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Hi guys, I have another couple of questions.

Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.

It lessens tension when they are not around. That's just a fact. Savor it. And try to see their "visits" as opportunities to have positive interactions with them, by demonstrating change in YOU.

See, No WAS returns to a marriage, UNLESS they believe

that marriage can be better/different, than before.

You have to show them it can be, by beginning the changes in YOU


Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.)
Did I do too much damage?

This is not a question anyone can answer with "knowledge". But I can tell you it's pretty rare for pathetic behavior of one month, to "ruin" a health m. He'd already left when you did that. In time, loving feelings can be uncovered under the layers of ennui, anger, resentment and whatever other internal issues he has. But you must contrast the negatives he has of you, with positives. What are your 180s?

And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation?

A private internal deadline helps a lot of us get thru this. We want to know our "limbo" won't be eternal. But look at my signature block. You had kids with this man and no ring. What's the rush to end the marriage after a few months? My deadline was 2 years, so my oldest d could finish high school in one place. That's me. And I didn't know it would be 2 years...about a year into this, when I really began true detachment b/c GAL helped me (as opposed to the pining and obsessing I did the first year)

& my sil asked me if h was still paying the bills. (He was). So she said, "Why 'MUST' you decide now, if you know you want to be where you are for now anyway?" Good point...and it happened that when d graduated, & my deadline was approaching, h also began his road home. BTW, you can always change your deadline too...it's not a contract!


At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating?

He's very confused. That is a good thing. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend those choices. Stop arguing it.

Why not show him (thru actions, not words) that YOU are a great catch? Be the better choice. Do some 180s and keep him second guessing his crazy choices...and work on the issues he has complained about in the past. Surely some of those complaints had some validity...? Focus on that. Otherwise he'll fear that it'll be more of the same if he comes home now, & you'd just be back where you were before he left...

Do your work. Become the best YOU that you can become. Either way, you'll be a better woman for this ordeal. Become a woman only a fool would leave.


All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.

Thanks guys x

You have to GAL to Detach and you Must Detach before you can Move forward...you can prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I know living with the ambiguity is hard. I KNOW...that's why I hammer GAL so much. It really does work.