Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Barrybran]

My wife is impulsive and I'm more organised. We've had separate accounts the whole time because we never got around to joining them. It's something I've adjusted to through the course of my relationship with my wife and made it work for us, though often at my expense. She was shouldering all of the bills while I wasn't working and now that I am working again I've shouldered more of the bills. On top of that, between my wife GAL, feeling as though she's running short of money and occasionally forgetting about bills I'm just trying to keep things moving by not arguing the point and paying whatever bills I find.

It's one of those "I can't fix it so I should let her figure it out and fix it herself" situations. We won't run out of money but she may find we can't afford a new car when she wants it. At the end of the day, I'm not rocking the boat but I'm also keeping it afloat while we're going through this period.

[nit84]

I understand the reciprocation part of you paying more now that you have a job and she supported you earlier.

Why does she feel she is running low on money if you are paying more of the bills? has her income decreased or is she just spending more impulsively now that she is a WAW. Is there an agreement on which bills you pay vs which the W pays each month?

If there is an agreement, which can always be changed, and she knows what she is responsible for each month how can she be forgetting about bills? Is it a purposeful lapse to get you to pay even more?

I agree with letting your W fix it herself. Just make sure that your credit rating doesn't suffer while she fixes it.

I don't mean to sound negative just wondering if you are being taken advantage of.

[Barrybran]

Look I've always looked out for everyone else financially. I haven't minded as I've known I've been doing things that keep us above water or make my wife and the kids happy. It's really only now that I've thought of having something for myself.

A funny development though. My wife sent me a text suggesting we halve the bills. I have no problem with this as she'll find out exactly what's outgoing. We had a plan in place but it's fallen by the wayside a bit as I have more opportunities to do food shopping and I just happened to be driving cards when we needed fuel or picked up an invoice that needed paying. My wife doesn't intentionally leave these things, she's quite sensible with money but she does forget things and her impulse spending has increased recently. I feel that's left her with less money for bills which I've picked up. Of course, that's speculation so I'll just ask her how she feels about different bills.

I suggested setting up a joint account which we could each deposit into but she's not keen on the idea. I'm waiting for her ideas. I'm not a big fan of "I paid this so give me half" but I guess my hands are tied for now. On the bright side, she'll get a good picture of our finances and I should actually save money which was the intention of splitting the bills the way we did (I'm a better saver so I put money away for the long term stuff).

[Barrybran]

Three months in and you'd think I'd have this validation thing down. My wife came out of our bedroom in a bit of a huff calling me to come and look at the toilet in our ensuite. She discovered water seeping up between the pipe and the tiles and starts ranting about the real estate. I begin to talk and mid-sentence realise what I'm doing and try to switch to listen and validate mode. By then, I'm trying to recap what my wife said, listen to what my wife is currently saying and think and validate on the run.

This grasshopper has much to learn Miyagi-san.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Finances are tough....My favorite is still the joint account for only paying bills method. You each have your own accounts, and the joint account gets transfers to cover the bills. That way everybody knows the bills are getting paid on time. Let's face it....missing a bill happens to almost everyone. If two people are watching the account...It is less likely to happen.

You realized what you were doing B....Baby steps. It takes time to do it, but you are getting there.

[Barrybran]

I suggested the joint account but my wife said "not too sure about that". I've left it with my wife to figure out now. I'll just keep paying for whatever needs paying in the meantime.

I remember when I started out DBing that being conscious of your actions was half the battle. It's disappointing that I lost that consciousness but I feel more aware of what's going on this time even though I've slipped and need to start over.

[Barrybran]

It'll be good get to the WAS part of DR. I just remembered that the money conservation was followed a couple of hours later with a request to go to my wife's store to buy some pine bark for our gardens as it's cheap this week. Don't get me wrong, the gardens need tending to but we have different ways to go about it and don't have the money to finish them up properly. It's like our previous discussion never took place. I fulfilled her request and she didn't bring money up for the rest of the day.

[Lostforwords]

B,

It is hard to deal with ingrained behaviors....and it takes time.

It is probably that single thing that eventually drives me from helping others on the boards. I see people just start to make the changes they want....and then they disappear for a lot of different reasons. It takes so long for the changes to become habit, but it does happen. Just takes patience and fortitude.

Let the money thing go for now...as long as the bills are getting paid, no biggee.

[Barrybran]

I found a situation where listening and validation doesn't apply! I went to bed at 11pm with an alarm set for 5am as I'm going into work early today. It's my first opening shift on my own so I'm going in half an hour early to make sure I get everything done right. At 12:30am, my wife knocks on my door as my 2yo had vomited as she tried to climb into bed with her. Off I go to clean up the bed, floor and sort out my 3yo, who was vomited on and was seeking attention from Mum who was looking after said sick 2yo. I get my bit done and I'm trying to flip the mattress with my wife and 2yo in the way. My wife has the balls to tell me how to do it without either getting out of my way or helping out. We have a low-lying ceiling fan and light so it wasn't a straight flip-and-done deal. My wife wanted the mattress flipped and turned so here I am trying to do so with about 1m space on each side of the bed and two people in the way. Needless to say, I went about things my way (nicely).

And then she has the audacity to say she needs sleep when she has a day off work today. Fun times haha.

[nit84]

Barry,

That is exactly what happened in my sitch money wise. Both my W and I worked, I made about 66% and her 33%. My wife lost her job 2 weeks after S. She still received benefits till they dried up last month.

Before the S I paid the bills and we had an agreed upon amount each week that I would leave in my W account for her to use and I transferred the rest over to my account to pay the bills. If she ever needed more all she had to do was ask.

It was like this throughout our M. I wanted her to take over paying bills once we got M and we tried that but she bounced check after check because she did not keep a good record.

It was then decided I would take that over I didn't want to but WE decided it was best.

Fast forward to right after S. I suggested that she now take over paying the bills and I would transfer money each month to cover my share. She agreed and I told her this is the way I always wanted it anyways she snapped back NO! you decided that you were paying the bills and that was that.

She was telling me that she thought that was because I wanted to control her. I validated and the subject has never come up again.

After 3 months of paying the bills she asked me one day why I transferred the amount I did. I told her and she asked so our agreement is we go 50/50?

I said yes but there was never really any agreement but we can talk about it if you need more. She said no I will figure out what I need to do. I said that is fine let me know. She said she thought that was unfair because she wasn't making as much and I had all the money. I thought but didn't say it "find a job and you would be making more than you are now".She passed up an opportunity early in S to return to an old job at the same pay rate but the travel is what caused her to leave and she said she wasn't going back. I validated and empathized and it was never brought up again.

Sorry it took so long to get to this but my point is I was always fine if my W wanted to handle the money. WE chose to have me do it.

She has done a great job at paying the bills since S. Before all she cared about was the bills were paid and she wasn't going without anything she wanted. I found out when I moved back home that she turned that around on me and said she never got to spend any money. I validated and it was never brought up again.

By paying the bills she now sees that it not that easy trying to juggle things to pay bills and to try and pay debt down. Also, how much in bills we actually pay each month is something else she is finally seeing. Right now because she has no job we are not paying any extra towards paying debt down quicker just doing minimum payments.

She would never tell me but I would hope that she appreciates how I did things pre-BD to keep afloat and try to pay debt down.

Now that her benefits have dried up I am waiting to see if she asks me to help out more or not. I won't offer. She is making some money at an odd job but even that is less than her benefits were so she tells me anyways.

I have figured out that I could pay every bill and still have some left over for savings not much but some. I always wanted to be able to do this and now I can because of pay increases through the years. This way we could start a family and have my W stay home with the kids. Then later on if she wanted a part time job wonderful.

I don't think it is my place to "bail" my W out, as much as I feel I should, she has clearly decided for now that she wants nothing from me. If we aren't together anymore she will have to figure this out for herself.

She has confessed to me that she has very little money and I already knew this she just needed to tell me I wasn't going to bring it up because that would be like I was throwing it her face that she has no job or money.

She is a strong person and much more mature than when we first M so my dream would be for her to realize that together we can do everything we ever wanted for us,kids, yearly vacations, paid off home, nice cars, etc... but apart it will be most difficult on both of us to have these things not impossible but difficult.

I know it is just me but there is a certain security, that I feel is there, that would make people want to work to the point of exhaustion on their M before giving up.

Sorry again for being longwinded.