Unlearning conflict avoidance - 10

[25yearsmlc]

Luke,

I'm posting something you wrote here 9-10 years ago. It was in your 3rd year of "Dbing" but my point is, I do not believe you DBd here, with your wife. Maybe ever. It's a bit startling to read your posts from back then. Not b/c of how different you sound, but because of how similar you sounded then, to now.

BACK THEN, You wrote about a burglary attempt in which you confronted the would be burglars, who fled. Your w saw you briefly as an Alpha and you noticed that.

Then you went back to cooking meals & house chores for a pending visits, all to "DB" her.

But that's never been what she asked for from you. Sure, it's nice to help out in the home. It's fair of you, reasonable and if you like cooking, that's great.

But here's the thing. Your w has consistently told you far more than most WAWs do. She wanted you to make her feel like the female of the species. She wanted you to lead, to be strong, to fight back, and you never ever did. (Except for a few minutes that morning with the burglars...) You refused.

SO my question is why you don't admit that you chose not to change? Isn't it arguable that you have chosen to end the m, although she'll be the one to file?
At some level, maybe you wanted her to go...

So, dig way deeper. You knew what she wanted/needed and you stayed there- NOT Providing it. WHY?

For the kids? What do you think of that choice, now?

The "changes" you made vis a vis your w are pretty minute. I would not have noticed them if I were her, and had wanted a stronger alpha male.
Going from "one touch a day" to zero, (over a year's time??) would not make me think "Oh he's getting it! He's trying to be who I need & manning up"....

Luke, why didn't you just tell her you did NOT WANT to be more alpha? That you never wanted to change a thing in your core?

Sure, you'd be willing to cook more, or less, or paint a room but to change your approach to HER, well my friend, you were never willing to do that.
Your comments about the m and your desire for it, well It does not add up to me.

B/C when a mate tells us they want us to become "X/Y/or Z", we have a choice. WE decide if we want to become that, and if so, we learn how.

I don't believe you ever chose to become an Alpha male, but I think that was a choice you pretended not to make. I don't know why you didn't just admit it.

You came here under the guise of "how??" but you always knew that making a dinner for your w or children was what YOU wanted to do, not what your w was asking you for. Same for planning trips. It did not show leadership, it's b/c you love to travel. The way you would have shown leadership to your w would have been to get out of your comfort zone and show it.

I don't know if it means you fear change more than you fear abandonment, notwithstanding your claims to the contrary.

I'm here now to help you salvage what you can with your d.

LUKE what is the truth about what you want?

B/C here's what you said long ago. (I know you are different with your other R's in life, and that's great).

But vis a vis the person you married...what's so different now than before?

You have the answers...Start facing them.

[/b]
(2005)
My WAW recently stated her plan for our future: “finish (renovating) the house, get a job and get out”. As part of her execution this plan, she is separating from me in multiple ways and I wonder how to stop this seemingly inevitable slide. Her reasons for leaving are that I am ‘not strong enough, never fight back’ and that she can ‘always outsmart me emotionally in an argument’.

Here are the ways we are separating:

Verbally: for example, she refers to our bedroom (where she no longer sleeps) as ‘my room’, instead of saying ‘my husband’, she says ‘the man’, and ‘our bed’ is now ‘your bed’. Beyond being hurtful, this seems a clever way to establish ‘fact’.

Physically: she has not slept with or touched me for more than a year now, and oddly, we have gotten used to avoiding contact with each other. I initially tried to touch her maybe once a day, but there has been no returned gesture, and I have basically given up. This is amazing given that we each work mostly at home, have basically all our meals together, etc.

Emotionally: while being friendly enough, she doesn’t ask how I am. We are unable to talk about anything interpersonal anymore, but remain friendly enough otherwise. We can’t even plan vacations together anymore, and the idea of taking a vacation without her (but with the kids) seems like having to confirm my own death.

I have been giving her space, pursued only a little (make nice lunches, help her out with work supplies, etc.). Now she talks about making a major effort this summer on renovating the house, is working on getting a job, and now I feel occasionally desperate. What shall I do? These small steps pushing us apart feel like water wearing down the Grand Canyon. Is there anything I can do to stop this slow slide to separate lives?

(somewhat) LuckyLuke