I'm back again 4 years later

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you for your perspective, Stander.

He was never really looking for the family thing anyway. I told him before we got engaged that I wanted kids. He went ahead and married me. We were done after two (and we had JUST come back strong from his first time leaving) and we were in agreement for a vasectomy. The week before we were to make the first appt I found out #3 was already on the way. Then he lost his job 3 days later. It has been 3 years since he has been a full time student. He graduates in Dec of this year. He is talking about wanting to move to Seattle when he graduates. Now he is saying he wants to join the Navy Reserves so they can help with his student loans. (we did end up getting that vasectomy btw)

He seems very adamant about not wanting to be with me anymore. Of course I didn't remember all of my DBing and we had a long talk last night. He sad repeatedly that he is just not happy and he doesn't want to live anymore of his life unhappy. He wants to be able to go find what makes him happy....be it being alone or being with another person or whatever.

There is no one else as he knows that is his easy way out of this. He even said if he wanted me to cut ties quickly that's the way to go. He has been slightly cold towards me when we talk.

He said he would move out whenever I tell him to. He doesn't have a job but will get one this summer. He can go live with his brother if he needs to before he has the money for his own place.

I'm trying not to get hopeful here.

[praying_in_GA]

This is the first time we have done this with him staying in the house. Last time he told me and moved out all in the same day.

So,does anyone have any advice for this ?

[praying_in_GA]

2 weeks ago he agreed to give this marriage a chance... Work on things together. Now he is saying that he felt bad doing that. Like he was leading me on. Since he knew he want to work on things. He says he has already decided that this isn't what either of us needs. That we both deserve more. We both deserve someone who loves us. Yet he doesn't want to move out yet, he is still wearing his band, and he has stated that we should go on our previously planned outting because "that's how things start"

What do I do with this situation?

[praying_in_GA]

Our marriage has been lacking intimacy and closeness for a while now. My youngest is almost 2. The last time he left our youngest had just turned 2. I know he probably feels left out by the kids. He even mentioned that he knows I love the kids more than anyone else and he would never take them from me.

With that said, he isn't acting any different towards me now. He is just as interactive and polite as usual. It's so strange to know he has checked out but things are the same.

[praying_in_GA]

Does anyone have any advice?

[praying_in_GA]

Backstory: I work the night shift as an RN three 12 hour shifts per week. He is a full time nursing student.

So, this morning I got home and he was getting ready to leave for his final exam. We chatted about his haircut and his final today. I asked him if he still wanted to take the kids hiking this weekend since it was supposed to be nice. I mentioned that he need not feel obligated and that I would take them out to do something if he had "beginning of spring break" plans. He said he would still like to go or maybe we could take them bowling. He rubbed his hand across my shoulders a couple of times and said he would see me this afternoon.

Conversations are so easy going between us. There is no hatred or animosity. He just feels as though we make great friends. The spark is gone. The butterflies in our life have fled.

Is it wrong to chat with him like we always did?

He has been wanting a motorcycle forever. I have been very resistant to the idea due to my father being killed on one. He has been searching for sale ads frequently recently. Is this something I should engage in? I am fine with him getting one if that is something in his life to make him happy. If it is between him having a bike and him wanting to go by all means, get the bike! He leaves the page up for me to see. Should I mention to him that I hope he finds a good one or I would like to learn to ride it (honestly, I would)?

How do I interact with him? He is still wearing his wedding band. Do I detach and only communicate when it is in direct discussion of the day to day household / kids? Or, do I engage in casual banter while leaving out talks of R or M or anything related?

Please help. I feel alone in this and I want to know I am doing the right things.

[praying_in_GA]

I feel like we need to step back and get to know one another again. We need to learn to like and love each other again. We need that spark back. I feel like a small part of him is willing to let that happen but he does not want to commit to it right now. He even said that he is not ready to give me an absolute yet.

In the same breath, I do not want to take his kind manner and easy interactions as more than they are. I do not want to get my hopes up and end up crushed again.

[praying_in_GA]

I know I seem needy to you all right now but I need some feedback from someone who knows what dbing is all about. Please.

[Rick1963]

Praying if you are able to maintain civil convos I would continue. Just stay away from R talks. I know you have lil ones but you need to GAL. Stop wondering why he has his wedding band on, it doesn't mean anything. Do you remember reading about being and feeling happy? It is attractive. Are you faking it at least? Take a deep breath

[praying_in_GA]

Yes, I am very careful to not talk about R or even hint to it.

Today I have done a 180 from yesterday. I woke up and he told me he had a coffee for me. I told him to eff off. Yep, not my proudest moment. Today we have had friendly banter as if nothing is wrong in the world.

We just finished a conversation with him, his mom, and me (his mom is here helping with the kids while I slept after work) about his thinking about joining the Navy Reserves after graduation. I told him it sounded like a interesting adventure. I turned to his mother and asked her if she would be willing to help out with the kids while he was gone.

He mentioned his brothers coming to town in May with their motorcycles. I asked if he would be able to get a temporary permit while they were down. He said he has already looked into it and will be getting one Monday. This has been a HUGE sticking point with us. I really don't want him to have a bike but I told him that was great that he would be able to ride with them. Then I joked that when he bought (when, not if!) his own we would need to double his life insurance just in case. He laughed and agreed.

He got his final grade for this mini-mester. I told him that I know I haven't said it often but that I am amazed at his ability to be such an amazing student. I told him that I know he has a lot going on between the kids and the house and to include school into that and do so very well is a huge deal.

Last time this happened his main issue was not being respected by me. In addition he felt like he was not being treated like he was important to us, not being treated as an equal, not being loved or even liked by me.

I have been smiling and happy today.

I focus on that damn ring because a couple of weeks ago he told me that when he took it off I would know he was ready to move out and to be done with this whole thing. I know I shouldn't let that weigh so heavily on me. It is like my safety net.