melissa

[25yearsmlc]

Lots of great stuff here. Thank you.

I'll address the other stuff later, but regarding the fish incident specifically . . .

I am having trouble bringing myself to talk to H about this, for two reasons. One of which comes from the right place and one that is me just being mean.

I'll start with the second one. I kind of think, you know what? Screw H. Why the F should I help him to have a better R with my kids? I TRIED to do this for YEARS, and you know what I got? I got, stop undermining me; stop telling me how to parent; accept that this is the way I parent, and everyone has different styles, why can't you ever "take my side?" I got, "I'll be a better Dad without you in the way." So WHY THE F would I help him?

OK, now that that shameful thought is out of the way.

The other thought is sort of related yet not vindictive. My H HATED that I would try to talk to him about stuff like this. Hated it. It is a 180 for me to say NOTHING about his parenting. Since BD, I have said not one word. And he has told me, a number of times, that he appreciates it. I am not saying that I should not bring this up to him to stay in his good graces. I am saying the part about him appreciating it, because it shows what his stance is on these things. He doesn't WANT to hear this from me. He's not interested.

Honestly, when I think back, I kind of wish that I hadn't interfered in their R so much. To me, it seemed like a good thing (for my kids, honestly I didn't really think much about him, because I figure that kids are kids and adults can deal, but isn't the general idea of parenting that you are there for your kids, but you don't stick your hands in everything? For example, my D9 HATES violin. But she is forced to learn/play it at school this year. She cries about it from time to time and begs me to get her out of it. (And she isn't really the crying type.) But I am not going to go to the school and fix it for her. Would you all agree that is the correct decision?

So for those who think I should talk to my H about this . . . where do you draw the line when deciding whether to interfere? There is no question in my mind that if there is a danger to them, I will speak up. But what about a hurt feelings kind of danger? Am I speaking up so that they will never figure out that their Dad is a self absorbed, unsympathetic guy? Am I supposed to speak up every single time he hurts their feelings? This is the way he is. It's not like the fish thing is some isolated incident. He is super fun and rah rah, but he is self centered and not good at dealing with others' emotions. Am I talking to him to try to protect my kids, or to change my H? Or to help my H? And should I really be doing any of those things?

This^^ is a great internal discussion that helps you check yourself. My first instinct, apart from your kids, is to say Get out of HIS sandbox.

And I DO say that^^.

Mostly b/c it's not your job to keep fixing him/his r's, but also b/c nothing YOU tell him about parenting, is going to sink in or make a difference.

If anything, it'll backfire on you (and lately, that may mean backfiring on your d too). I really think he wants to hurt you, with her.

We can pray/hope it's not a conscious choice of his, b/c God's knows he's not self aware.

But please, please do take your d to a counselor.

Let HER be comforted & guided in this by someone other than you. While I suspect a seed will be planted that maybe her dad's view on things or how he handled it, is improvable, I don't see a downside to that.

No counselor is going to "make" her disloyal to her dad.

But any other adult would tell her that there is another way to view the whole fish incident and then she'll pick up on the fact that what her dad SAYS might be what he thinks, but it might not be, and even if he does think something, it might just be how his eyes see it. That does not make it the truth.

HER eyes and her perception of life is not skewed. She wasn't "a baby" to think the fish death was sad. She's not crazy to wonder about his "dad pad" being such a great thing. She's not "Wrong" to distrust his version of events. She is on track. She'll be validated in a way he'll never be able or willing to do.

Mostly it's about compensating for the damage he is doing, and you cannot compensate enough, by yourself.

That's my .02