Rise & Shine VI

[slow_it_down]

I recently went through a very similar experience with my H. My H loves our son, no doubt, but he works 90 hours a week and out of the blue started demanding 50/50 custody as a leverage point because he was angry with me. My H couldn't give me a schedule of when he could actually have our S but was very adamant that he would accept absolutely no compromises on the 50/50 thing.

I saw an attorney because my S is only 6 months old and I wanted to understand the custody process since he's so young. It put my mind at ease because it sounds like custody agreements aren't nearly as permanent as people think they are. They are actually pretty fluid and you can request they get amended as circumstances change. (at least in my state)

In my case my attorney advised me to keep a journal of how many hours/days my H is actually spending with my S currently. Since I told my H he can see our S as often as he likes it will be good to be able to say "when he had unlimited access, here's how often he actually came around..." should this ever go to mediation/court. For the past few weeks its been about 4.5 hours per week so I'm pretty sure his 50/50 argument won't hold up.

Also, my attorney said even if you come to an agreement at mediation/court you can always go back and request changes. Visitation is a use it or lose it thing. If you are giving him 50/50 but he's not using all of it, or has babysitters most of the time, you can petition the court to drop the extra hours he's not really using.

I'm nursing a little one while taking care of older kids too so I know what its like to spend literally hundreds of hours taking care of little ones only to have someone think they can use time with your kids as a negotiation tactic. However, I also think my little guy needs his dad just as much as he needs me in the long run. I can't give my H 50/50 right now because the baby is so young, but its always been my intention to let him build more and more visitation hours as my H actually uses them.

If he is talking 50/50 can you say 'ok, how do we make that happen,' rather than letting him drag you into the emotional battle he's trying to get you in? If he wants the time, give it to him and let him figure out on his own that he can't reasonably have them that much. Whether you walk away with primary custody or you walk away with your kids having a dad that has changed his own life to accommodate having the kids more you really can't lose.