Thank you for your replies! I'm grateful for the insight, need to process but first I have a little bit for freaking out left in me, trying to organize my thoughts before ic this afternoon...
So, what I've learned/accepted about H is that he's a runner, runs from his feelings & covers with working and drinking and who knows what else. Since he's left, he has an inconsistent relationship with dds, none with me or other family to keep him centered. His world has been his own interests, his own self hatred, which he's tried to cover up with alcohol... and that state of self loathing makes it easier to work extra because he gets his validation with a huge paycheck and work camaraderie is his only feel-good since rejecting our family. Plus the mlc, the negative feelings associated with me because I want more for him, and he doesn't feel able to live up to that life. I've tried to expect absolutely nothing from him but that has taken maybe a misstep because instead of giving him the breathing room I thought he needed, he absorbed all of his efforts into working too much, his relationship with daughters became even more distant. And now we're to a place where he's maybe starting to try to take care of himself, he's seen me a changed person for over a year now, but still has no outward interest in having anything to do with me. We'll joke around if we see each other, it's always been our nature and I try to keep things casual. But I make no demands on him and am very outwardly appreciative of any help he does offer.
It all boils down to the decision I feel I have to make. Besides the emotional implications I'm been facing the past few days and journaling about here, there's a very real financial implication that I didn't really comprehend until last night when we were looking at our tax situation. All of this running, spare time because he's not with family, he worked SOOOOO much last year! I did not say a word about his W-2. Because that was old me, I'd always beg him 'please don't work so much!' 'spend more time with us, you don't need to accept the overtime'. But it's sinking in... and NOTHING is changing. It's getting worse in our relationship, his relationship with daughters, he's going to either work himself into an early grave, hurt himself on the job, or burn out and never make time for his personal work. We're talking 35% MORE he made last year than 2012. But he says he's broke... and I only got a small portion of his total income for the year. Work is an addiction for him too I believe, there's too many feel-goods to cut back.
And the financial reality is that d18's school loans are in MY name alone. Part of the feelings of feeling super foolish in not ending this marriage is because I'm not protecting myself financially. I know I can and will have to soon, but it's a stress that is fully on my shoulders right now.
And then I want to talk to him - again - and say can't you see what 2013 was like? Is this how you see spending the next 10 years? Working and socializing, while your kids build their own lives without you? D18 is really bitter lately and is tired of never being a priority in his life. But he knows that, he knew it before he left, and it's only got worse. It's funny in a way, the same resentment that built in me because he was gone all of the time has now transferred to our dds for the same reasons. And I've seen it build and fester especially since I don't participate in their relationship anymore. I used to try to create family time to keep a connection, but I stopped doing that last fall and both dds have lost respect and a close relationship with him completely.
So here's what I've learned with alanon, I can't make him be sober, I can't make him want a relationship with me or be a better father. I see the harm though, and I have such empathy because I still believe this isn't what he wants. Do I protect myself financially? Emotionally? Take control & truly move on & hope that someday he figures it out on his own? Do I try to see if he'll consider changing for our family one more time... but why would he change? He doesn't love me anymore, the love he has for his own daughters isn't a big enough motivating factor... and then I think, is it really my place to ask him to change? I've worked so hard to be accepting of myself and others. Maybe he's as happy as a clam & this is his true calling, to be a workaholic and not the family man he's professed to be for the past 20 years. And if he changes for anyone instead of because he wants a different life, then nothing will really change at all.
Please don't judge, this is the mess in my head, unedited.
