All you can really do, given your W won't move out, is to be like water. Occupy space, deflect and absord her negativity, then go right back to your calm state.
You will only move millimeters at a time with her. You have to be a strong, desirable man that has himself under control. Don't get sucked into her chaos- that plays right into her hand. Make love bank deposits as much as possible while not making any withdrawals with your behavior. You wife doesn't want to like you right now. She wants to keep a rift between you so that she can proceed with D.
My wife would start becoming nice, but the second it seemed she thought she was being TOO nice, she would turn nasty and try to pick a fight. She was keeping a fixed distance between the two of us. If I was being too nice to her, she'd again rebel, trying to lure me into a fight so that I was "bad" again. It's the rollercoaster that you cannot get on! Be consistent. Act above it.
While your W is in an A your M will not recover. You are basically waiting it out at this point. Eventually it will crash and burn, they all do, and when it does you want to be an alternative for her. No two ways about it, really.
Your W and the OM (and her enablers) spend a good bit of their time discussing how bad it is at home. What a jerk you are, etc.. Don't feed that. Once they start having issues between them, instead of discussing the issues in her M, part of the fantasy will crash. He will start annoying her, and she will start annoying him. Demands for your Ws time will become an issue. He'll want more time than she can provide. Soon enough he will start appearing like any other demanding man in her life. Only then will she start wondering what she's running towards, and who she's running away from. What you hope is that you speed up the timeline of when they start to have conflicts with each other, rather than it being all about you.
