I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

I sit here before I start today to check in. Life has been different? I am still here. Thinking about stopping IC, feel like it has served a purpose. I just dropped from weekly to bi weekly, we will see how it goes.

Started a new workout routine. This is good for me because it does a few things. It regulates my eating, because I have to plan my meals, calories and such. So it make me eat, regularly, and healthy, not just instant stuff. I feel better health wise. It has give me a way to physically vent my emotions. I am trying to gain muscle mass, because I have wanted to bulk up for while. So that's all good.

Keeping busy at work, taken on a big project which is keeping me busy. Had to put going back to school on the back burner for now. Just not feeling ready to make a long term commitment like that yet. Still want to do it, just not yet. Too many things up in the air.

I love nature, and as cold as it is here, which I don't like, I am making myself go out into it. Taking my dogs to the park a few times a week. Gets me out into nature and playing with them. Good for both of us I guess.

Have been really working on not planning or stressing about the future. I know this was not only hurting me, it has been a behavior that I believe played a role in where I am now. I would look around at people going out and playing all the time, and thought how irresponsible they are. Meanwhile I was planning and keeping a strict structure and regiment, which was comfortable. Now I am seeing I have missed out on things, and that comfort does not always equal happiness.

One thing that I am now pondering, fantasizing about is that I have never really like it here, where I live. I don't wake up and look out and think, its beautiful. I don't love my job, its secure, and its a bad time to be out of work. But I don't like what I do, I done feel good after along days work. I am good at it, but I have no passion for it. So the fantasy is, what would I be doing and where. I know we all have days where we don't want to go to work, and I know there are ugly days no matter where you live. But I know people, who genuinely overall, love where they live, and love what they do. I also don't connect with people here, because we are different. I find that I miss the west. Personalities, hobbies, interest are just different here. SO, been thinking about that. Not planning, just imagining what that might look like and where. Not going to make any choices yet, but being mindful that its a big world.

Staying in the present, changing my routine, letting go of control. Things that I am scared of, and give me comfort. It is hard, I keep reminding myself. Its ok, I don't need to plan right this moment, I don't need to feel in control. I need to be aware, but I don't have to control it. What I feel, I need to acknowledge. That has been hard, but it is not feeling as bad or scary as I built it up to be.

What will happen tomorrow, I don't know, I guess Ill see when I get there. Something TipAnna said to me, about my fear of taking a vacation and what if W brought the OM to my home, comes to mind. Ill deal with that when/if it happens, but not to let it control what I do. I guess I am trying to incorporate that into my day to day life.

Two quotes for today:

The serenity prayer and this:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it is called the present. To be honest I think I heard it first from Kung Fu Panda, but I know that's not where it originated and it is true.

I need to find my peace, inside. To do that I need to be mindful of the moment, the present.