Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now.

[D2ndday]

IMHO, this whole process has phases. Ones we cant rush, but we need to be mindful of. So that when the time is right, we look at them.

Someone said to me here, picture what the best version of myself really looks like. Then start making changes to get there. I thought I knew what this meant. I pictured a couple topical changes. As time has gone on, I have kept that in mind, and realized there are others, deeper ones. I could not see them before, maybe because I was not ready to.

Some of these changes now, I see, were I believe contributing factors to where things are now. There was a shift. From this being about her and what she has done, to me, and what my part was. That was hard to see, and I think it took time. I don't think I could have seen it any sooner than I was ready to. It was more than just focusing on me, and moving on. It was about who is the perfect me. I think I had to go through it this way. Keeping busy, GAL, and through that I started to see more.

I thought she was my rock.

I have said just that, and felt it! AND there is a sense of terrible loss. But, now, I am making myself my rock. I can get through this. I can be better. Who is the perfect you? Am I the perfect me, no, was I? No. Will I ever be? I don't know. But I have an opportunity, to recreate myself, right now. Not that easy, but a focus.

I think a couple key things, that keeping in mind, has been helping me, and might help are:

Who am I? Who would I like to be? (I thought I knew, I had a plan, but I can make a better one)

W says something, and right now, they are just words. She may believe them, but leave it as that. Your focus is you.

Did you have a part in things getting here? Don't answer that, but think about it. What could that be?

IHMO, I think it is ok to post things she says and does, as long as you leave it here. Don't carry it. Because how does it benefit you to carry it?

Time, I wanted and sometimes still do want a quick fix. It is very very hard. Times, its like a weight pushing down on your shoulders. There is a whole lot of great insight here. What is interesting to me, is that I thought I knew what a lot of it meant, and over time, have seen that what I thought I understood, later, I understood differently or so another meaning of it. Like the perfect me.

Its a long road, probably the longest. At least that I have ever seen. You cant run it, I don't think there are any short cuts. But by enduring, and inner strength, and patience, we take step after step.

Not to show my geek side, or be too much of a yoda, but be mindful of your feelings. Sometimes we need to feel anger, sadness and to acknowledge what this is like. But don't linger there. When you start to feel that way, make a point to be aware of those feeling.

What can you do about any of this right this moment? What does a feeling you have do to benefit you right this moment? Who is in charge of your life? Who has the power?

For me acceptance, is a hard thing. Lot of emotions tied to all of this. The serenity prayer goes through my mind all the time these days.

Everyone here, is rooting for you! Remember to breathe it out. Sorry for the long post, kept thinking of things.