Wife is Continuing Affair- When do I start LRT

[sandi2]

Hi, hope you will stick with the board while you apply DBing to your stitch.

January 1, my wife admitted to an internet/phone affair, and then after digging I found email that she was meeting with the OM the next day. I made several mistakes, freaked out, went into shock, told her if she met him it was over etc. lots of threats that I had no intention of keeping. I also asked her to leave the house.

I also had an Internet A. So I can identify with so e things your W is doing, but she has carried it further by meeting him in person. Do you know anything about him?

When you have a WAW in an A, you have to approach the stitch with a different attitude and do a different style of work than you probably had in mind. I think the first thing you need to try to grasp is this is no longer the girl you M. You will need to train yourself (for the time she is a WAW) to not think/treat her as you would your "wife". I will comment more on that later.

Have either of you been involved with another person while together in your R?

Remember, never give threats or ultimatums......unless you fully I tend to carry it out. Never say or do something to get a desired reaction from her. It will backfire on you!

She did agree to do a counselling session, we set one up for four days from then, and she said she would leave, but didn't know if she would meet up him. No communication for a few days, saw her again on Sunday, I continued to ask question etc. In counselling, she admitted to affair.

I know counseling sounds like the logical thing to do to fix this problem, but MC at this point will not help. She is not in the right frame of mind to desire working on the M. As long as she is in the A, she will not be ready to piece the M back together. So in other words, nothing will work to fix her....or the MR until she ends the A. Do you understand?

Where it gets complicated, is with our kids doing so many activities, we see each other almost daily. We are ferreting kids back and forth etc. Our interactions have been pleasant, lots of smiles, and a few flirty jokes etc. We have not been intimate for a few weeks, but were in the aftermath. I have not pursued this at all now for fear of destroying progress.

Make out a schedule regarding the kids activities.

Don't act like her H when you see her at any of the activities. Do you know what i mean? Just act as if she is a neighbor or co-worker. Be nice, speak or wave. Don't expect ANYTHING from her. The more you expect, the more you will feel let down. Do not get into a R talk while at any of these activities.

My advice would be to not plan for intimacy while she's in an A. However, if it should happen, please use protection. Don't accept only her word that she has not had sex with OM. If she has been sextingng and going to "visit" him, then it would be highly unlikely there has been no physical sex involved.

She is frequently crying around me, and told me she thinks she is a bit delusional.

Be careful when she does this. She acts out of her emotions. She will also do what we call "tempt checking". It is a way that the WAW uses to assure herself that you are still her backup plan.....if the OM doesn't work out.

Just let her cry and act pitiful. Do not tell her to move home and let you take care of her.
You don't act like a jerk when she cries, but neither do you try to rescue her from what she is feeling. The sooner she faces her new reality, the sooner she may be able to end her A. Do not invite her to move home as long as she is still contacting OM! She needs to have him completely out of her head before making that step.

Where I am struggling is with the trial separation coming up on March 1. Do I cut off finances, restrict time with the kids to certain days for each of us, or what. Feel like I need to do LRT, as she will just continue her relationship with the OM.

Get your lawyer's advice about the finances. As for the LRT, yes.....definitely!
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should I show her the book, she saw it accidentally, and was curious, but I don't think it would help. Although one of the success stories talked about a WAW reading the book and then returning

No, it is for your eyes only!

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I am acting as if, and giving appearances of moving on. Where do I draw the line. help her move, be nice etc?

Not sure I understand what you are asking, but as I said before, don't think of her as your W, but maybe a friendly neighbor or co-worker. As long as she is contacting OM, I advise you not to try act like her BFF. When you fall into the trap of being best friends, you will never know where to draw lines. I have seen it happen to much here on the boards. You cannot think of her as your friend or as your W, while she's involved with OM. I hope you brain will stay balanced when I say not to think of her as your W.

-her family and friends all support me, which is leaving her feeling like she has no one except OM to turn to. Not good

Is there a question there? Listen, most WAW's turn from those who don't support the new love interest. You should not protect her from the consequences of an A.

-I have discovered I have a great capacity for reflection, and I am not believing anything she says right now, or does. However, lots of it hurts tons

The main reason behind not believing what she says or does.....is a way of protecting you of greater hurt. And that is why I suggested to try to think of her not being your W.
That may seem impossible, but try.

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have been doing DB coaching by phone, should I involve her?

What does your coach say? Personally, I believe your W is not emotionally invested enough to benefit from it. DBing are tools for the S who wants to save the M. It would be placing pressure on her.....just as asking her to read material on marriages.