Last night the kids wanted me to sleep with them and they sometimes have been sleeping together in the master bedroom in our bed where my W has been sleeping (I have been in the guest room). My wife was out will her friends so I slept there. I put my pillow there and put hers in my daughter's room thinking she could just sleep there; it is a queen bed too and she has slept there in the past. Well i guess she got home at 11 or so and said she made so much noise but i wouldnt get up - i said well why didnt you just wake me? Well this morning my wife blew up saying I have no empathy and just think about myself. I guess maybe it was wrong of me ...I didn't think it was a big deal but W says that's what's wrong with me :-/ Ash Wednesday today so this morning I mentioned to the W that I will be there with her if I can move a work call i have scheduled; she told me not to sit with her or her folks ...this will be the first time in 20+ years as we have always sat together ...i will respect her wishes ...thoughts?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Eek. This is why I chickened out of asking about switching rooms yesterday.. I'm nervous about the reaction and undoing any work that has been done! But maybe if I approach it as a conversation and ask for H's opinion it will go more smoothly than just doing it without discussion.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I wasn't even looking to take over the room ...i thought of this as no big deal but W so pissed now. I am wondering if I should just be going to my room when wife gets home from work and just steering clear from her for a few days. Suggestions?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
"I am wondering if I should just be going to my room when wife gets home from work and just steering clear from her for a few days. Suggestions?"
This^^^ does not sound very strong and confident. Women like a strong and confident man. Not a controller. The master bedroom is yours. When I went back into mine exw got really pissed. Stay in the room, if she is the one who wants out, she will need to make other arrangements. You cannot walk on eggshells for the rest of your life hoping to not piss her off. If you breath she will get pissy, they will rationalize everything to justify their actions. Make the master bedroom yours again, lock the door at night, it's your space and you need privacy.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks Rick. I agree doesn't make me look strong and confident but if I tell her that she wanted the D so she can move her @$$ into one of the other rooms she will be so pissed ...she will probably tell me that again this is all about me, I'm needy and controlling, etc. No offense Rick I appreciate your comments but am interested in what others may think. Please please chime in ...anyone ...i know this issue will come up again tonight.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
All you can really do, given your W won't move out, is to be like water. Occupy space, deflect and absord her negativity, then go right back to your calm state.
You will only move millimeters at a time with her. You have to be a strong, desirable man that has himself under control. Don't get sucked into her chaos- that plays right into her hand. Make love bank deposits as much as possible while not making any withdrawals with your behavior. You wife doesn't want to like you right now. She wants to keep a rift between you so that she can proceed with D.
My wife would start becoming nice, but the second it seemed she thought she was being TOO nice, she would turn nasty and try to pick a fight. She was keeping a fixed distance between the two of us. If I was being too nice to her, she'd again rebel, trying to lure me into a fight so that I was "bad" again. It's the rollercoaster that you cannot get on! Be consistent. Act above it.
While your W is in an A your M will not recover. You are basically waiting it out at this point. Eventually it will crash and burn, they all do, and when it does you want to be an alternative for her. No two ways about it, really.
Your W and the OM (and her enablers) spend a good bit of their time discussing how bad it is at home. What a jerk you are, etc.. Don't feed that. Once they start having issues between them, instead of discussing the issues in her M, part of the fantasy will crash. He will start annoying her, and she will start annoying him. Demands for your Ws time will become an issue. He'll want more time than she can provide. Soon enough he will start appearing like any other demanding man in her life. Only then will she start wondering what she's running towards, and who she's running away from. What you hope is that you speed up the timeline of when they start to have conflicts with each other, rather than it being all about you.
I agree that women like strong and confident men and, I am a woman. However, I went through a bitter divorce years ago with a man who wouldn't leave the marital bed or bedroom during the entire divorce. He slept with me every night even after filing vile pleadings in our divorce case and made me feel implicitly threatened. It was entirely abusive-- and it went on for nine long months. I took to taking sleeping pills every night in case he tried to kill me. I figured that I wouldn't wake up to witness it. No joke. (I did try to get him out but he kept lying to the attorneys etc.-- another long story). Anyway, if you march back into the bedroom it is going to be very threatening and upsetting to her. I would be. This does not mean that you would be wrong for doing so. It just means that it will cause problems. Do I think that she would respect you more for it? Not on this. So my advice would be to pick a bedroom and then just sleep there until you work out another agreement between the two of you. I don't think, however, that you should avoid her at all. You made what you thought was a good decision last night under the circumstances so OWN it. Just go about your business calm and happy. If she's still twisted up about it that's on HER. You can't be perfect so just be yourself. You got this.
Thanks HS and Unbidden. I got it! I continue to be calm and just deflect/absorb her negativity. She complained that she hasn't even been able to get a good night's sleep in our bed let alone e having to go to another room. So I was thinking to buy a Sonos speaker to put by her bedside so she could listen to some soothing music that may help her sleep. Am I nuts? Is that pursuing ...
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Btw I can't figure the W out lol...last week we slept together when we were on vacation with the family and this morning she says that since I slept in her bed she now needs the sheets washed :-/ sheesh
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
