Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[Mic]

Journaling again - I think I took a couple of giant steps back today. My H was late to the house which made my D late for school AGAIN. I called him and said can you please be on time. She has had so many tardies, she now has to go to counseling (school recommendation) and we are going to mediation. I don't want this to be harder on her than necessary. I asked him if it would be easier at least while we were sharing houses for me to take her to school and then bring the other two back to him. I wanted to make it easier on him and most important not have my daughter be late anymore. He said No he would make sure he was on time from now on. Her odd start time just keeps confusing him. (this is march she started in august:)
I also told him some of the conversations my D has had with me lately regarding the divorce. I told him our 2 year old cries and screams through out the night sometimes as I hold her or cries for Daddy/Mommy and I have to say he's not here. I told him how we were discussing democracy and the President and a dictatorship and CHina. She asked me why Daddy gets to make all the rules in this house and why can't we all vote him to come back. I said families don't work that way. She asked me a different time when I was trying to explain to her that she got to spend all of her time with her dad when she was with him. Wasn't that better? She said NO! It is better if you are both in the same house all the time.
He said they never talk about any of this with him.
I had to tell him that I was placing one of our cats today. He told he would pay for the cat to keep it. I told him it was not about money. He thinks money solves everything. I said No I need to know since I vowed to these animals that they would all have safe homes - I can't give them to him and if he remarries etc I don't know what would happen to them.
I then started crying and told him I still feel as if I'm in a dream I can't believe the man I loved and who vowed to love, honor and cherish me would do this to me. I said I know why because you don't love me the way you feel you should love a wife.
I had no idea how hard divorce is. I told him when I tell people I'm getting divorced they don't say Congratulations. They all say "We are so very, very sorry" I said people ask if I am anti marriage. I tell them NO. If I knew how hard divorce was I would have worked so much harder at my marriage.
I told him I never go to my parents for anything anymore. (big step for me) I either figure it out on my own or go to him when it is related to the kids.
He states "I want you to come to me for everything. I know that is confusing for you". He then said "I really have enjoyed those random texts you've been sending me about different things but then I think I shoulden't enjoy them or it will confuse you"
Is this just WAS double talk? As a man is he just saying what he means?
I told him more than anything I miss my best friend and the sex. LOL:)
I quoted him some of the statistics on divorced children. I told him my IC counselor gave me a book about the effects of divorce on adults and how adults even 25 years later still wish there parents would have stayed together.
Again he kept saying THanks for telling me all of this.
I first said I know that you believe if you ever come back you will be in black hole of despair and then I said - I'm sorry I should never presume to know what you are thinking or feeling.
I told him that I absolutely had post partum depression for 6 of the years we were married but I can't change that. I also told him that I know I totally disrespected him our entire marriage and that I vow to respect him as my ex-husband.
I said some of it is my pride but I am so embarrased to be divorced. We are planning on putting our 2nd daughter in a private school next year and I believe we will be the first divorced parents there.:(
I just said I chose you and said Yes because I knew you were the one person that I could completely trust and always stood by his commitments. I never thought I would be a single mom because essentially that is what we are now - a single mom and a single dad.
I know you can never guilt a WAS into coming back.
I did tell him that I feel like I am myself again and I'm going indoor rock climbing next week.
I said I am taking this day by day. He said day by day. He tries to get through this 20 minutes at a time. I guess the WAS suffers some also.
I'm sure there was a lot more and it was not a planned relationship talk or to guilt him into coming back. I finally said I should never have wrapped my life up so tightly with yours. I should have never relied on you so much for my happiness.