Is staying married a problem for you or are you concerned about how other people might view you?
Truthfully, I think I am exactly where I need to be right now, but I think other people judge me. And I've always been too worried about what other people think. I was raised where appearances were a huge deal, but the family I grew up with was different behind closed doors. I don't talk about my situation that much anymore irl because everyone tells me I need to move on, or my favorite "it's been almost 2 years!" said with exasperation, like yeah, I know.
So I'll add that to my list of things to talk to my IC about tomorrow. I've been giving myself deadlines since the time he left. Then my timeline comes and goes.. now I give myself a little grace and say that I'll reevaluate where I am at such & such time. But I've had in the back of my mind that I owe my marriage at least awhile longer. My new reevaluation date is our 23 wedding anniversary this summer... who knows.
BUT I think I may have pushed or pulled a little tonight in a negative direction. H came over to look at taxes where we're still filing married/joint. Entering his income, mine, house, deductions, etc we still owe almost 2k. And my comment was 'man, have you thought of what we're going to do for next year?' h answers 'i guess we'll file separately'. I replied with 'that's going to cost a fortune' or something like that. I did not get teary, did not seem even upset about this reality. I think I feel bad for mentioning it, because it's not my true desire. But maybe he thinks it is now... The next hour was light and easy working together, we laughed a little, I asked a couple questions about his apartment - subjects I never would have breached before. But I think it made a real 'i'm okay with this' impression. Then I got up to make dinner & invited him to stay and he said no and packed up & left in minutes.
Taxes still aren't done, so we'll need to continue the chore sometime in the near future. I'm back to wanting to do a temp check and offer AS's revised comments about I still care... I don't know labug, maybe it's a little bit of what people are thinking for why standing is getting harder, and a little because I want resolution so I push and try to manipulate where it would be more prudent to leave things alone. I know if I ask 'do you want to divorce?' now the answer will be yes. I need to find my inner peace and just be, without a decision, for awhile longer.
