There's another dead bishop on the landing...

[ericmsant2]

Lois,
I am not one to judge. I totally understand the feeling that I suspect you are going through. They are real. I get it – I do. If you feel the need to date, which I suspect based on your post you are not dating per se but rather “testing the waters” – I would only say be careful. Here is what happened to me…and ftr, I know you know that you are not me…so take this for what it is worth.

So….here I was dealing with my ex mlc. No sex, no intimacy on any level. About the only thing I had was me. I was lonely. I spent a lot of time wondering…who would want a man with 3 kids, who would want a man that was broken, who would want a man that was damaged. Crap…could I even find an older women who would be attracted to me, especially with all the baggage. I needed validation (or so I thought). So I started flirting. Subtly – someone reciprocated. It felt great. Chit it felt better than great. After so long…..someone said, I was handsome, that I was an amazing man, that I was funny, that I was emotional, that I was the type of man they wanted. Even though, to be honest, I didn’t believe it. Not that I did not believe the person – nope – I didn’t believe myself. This person continued. They touch me on many many levels. We started an R. A physical one. I being in the frame of mind that I was in….interpreted these feelings as LOVE. Yipee I was in LOVE. Someone LOVED me! Yipee. I was worthy. I was according to her…the best thing since slice bread. The problem though was that I still did not believe it. Deep down inside I knew I needed this validation. Deep down inside…I needed this. Deep down inside I knew it would never work. Deep down inside I knew this was not the type of love that would make our relationship last forever. Deep down inside (and I am embarrassed to say this) I knew I was using this person to make myself feel better. So…. I told myself and everyone else that would listen that I was “in love”. Honestly, on some level I did love this person…but it was a different kind of love. This is that slippery slope….that Wonka mentioned. Not sure if this is what she meant but this is how I interpreted what she wrote. That slippery slope, where you THINK you are in love – when in reality what you are looking for is validation. Validation of YOUR sense of being a partner. Validation of being “lovable”. In the end, I broke someones heart. Still feel bad to this day about it. She loved me. I did not love her the same way. Deep down inside I KNOW that I USED HER LOVE to help validate me. At the end of the day, I am not gonna lie, if I did not have this relationship, I would not be where I am today. So although in many ways (and I am sure some will disagree with me posting this) this relationship was good for me. It just came at the expense of someone else and that is a cross that I must carry.

So Lois, is this what you really want? Do you really want to take a chance of hurting someone else? At the end of the day, I still needed to learn how to validate myself, I still needed to learn and REALLY BELIEVE that I was special. That I was a good man, that I was a good lover and partner. Yes, the person I dated help soothe the pain but it came at a price. Is this the price you are willing to pay? No one can answer that but you. I will not judge you.

On a separate note, I know several people that actually married the person they started dating before they were ready. To a man…each one….has regretted their choices. So Lois, think it through….
Flirting IMO, is like playing with fire. Ya never know when you are gonna get burned.
You mentioned in your post that you have used your looks in the past. My only question….is that who you want to be?

Once again…not judging…

Peace,
Eric